Tonight went very well. We had a nice dinner, and she was smiling, and we had some laughs. I was doing my best to maintain eye contact, smile, keep the conversation going. I think I did very well. It was pouring rain when we left and getting late so we're going to check out the new book store later. Se stayed long enough to watch a show for almost 2 hours. It was almost like old times, until she had to go. We were both getting very sleepy, but she seemed happy to stick it out until the end.
It's amazing how often divorce/separation/infidelity can come up. I had seen the show we watched already, but forgot about the couple that were separated in the same house, and how the husband had filed for divorce, then withdrew it, then filed again, and how the W was hoping... awkward.
Then there's real life. At dinner, W was telling me about someone from work and mentioned this lady and her husband had been separated for 3 yrs but got back together - even though he treated her very poorly. And somehow we got onto the subject of some other people's affairs, separations, open marriages and a friend who lives with a gay man as if they're a couple (I think it started as a relationship, and then he came out....) but she likes the companionship and occasionally hooks up with guys (random s*x, my W said). Anyway, it really seemed like she wanted to put it all in a more accepting context, because she had always had a very black and white view of moral issues and cut very little slack for people. We all tend to view things differently when we're the one's who have done them though. But, I am drifting too close to mind reading there.
The only really awkward thing was that one of the unusual marital situations that came up involves a family member of mine, and that led to the topic of alcoholism and that seemed to upset her for a bit (very sensitive topic because of her mother's alcoholism). And driving in the car is still a bit tense for me. not only because I'm trying to drive carefully but it's a good opportunity for a lot of silence and that can be ok in normal times, but a little jarring in this situation.
But, overall, very happy with the way things went today.
Sounds good. Now how can you slowly start getting out of the friend zone? Since she's watching you on FB, how about posting an inspirational thing about individuality? Then you can slowly start to post something about sharing a life with someone else. Little things like that you can do to work on all levels on her.
Maybe if you start a weight loss regimen and start posting your results and make the posts only viewable to her, she can SEE how you're doing without being there. Use FB as a vehicle to show her your changes. And if she brings it up, just say that you didn't know she was reading up on it and was keeping it as a daily log for your success.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So, tomorrow we're off to see a movie, and go to dinner again. Her suggestion.
Also, she asked if I could keep the cat for another day or two, because she said she might paint a cabinet. I have a propensity for trying to be a mind reader, but if you know of our recent history, it sounds like further indication that there's not someone around to help out with such things (a painter, for instance. Ahem). I mean, why even bring it up? Kind of like the two times she indicated it would be a problem to have to assemble the cat tower/hammock/thingy.
Anyway, I mention it, but I'm not dwelling on it. I've been focusing much better at work, and keeping up with my chores so the house isn't a mess. Once my back is ship shape again I've got tons more to keep me busy.
What's weird is that I can't pin down if I started feeling better after W and I started having more and better contact, or the other way around, because it was all rightaround the same time. But, I do notice that my mood isn't dictated by her contacting me anymore. It's just a bonus if she does.
Been thinking about the IC. I think I found something we can start discussing next week. I do want to talk about the past - regarding M. I was thinking about her comment about me jumping through hoops. I did explain my anger/frustration/impatience, etc. What I didn't tell her about how when W and I first met, she was young and had never even been in a real relationship, and I was older (enough) to have been married once and I had had a few "serious" GFs in HS. She looked to me to learn a lot about the dynamics of a serious relationship.
I wasn't a very good teacher. And she had a way of tensing up a bit when I hugged her, so I took that as rejection and started withholding affection - hugging, hand holding, basically any kind of touching. This wasn't a problem in my first M so I judged her to much and instead of looking for what worked, I began pulling back and did so for years until she was starving for affection. Things I was insensitive about really upset her and festered for years.
I did better for just a while when we started piecing after first separation, then fell right back into my old ways.
The older we get, the more she is becoming a treasure to me. In her own words, she told me I took her for granted.
If we make it to piecing again, I need to completely overhaul how I treat her day to day. The small things, that melt a woman's heart. Telling her she's pretty. Giving her little gifts for no reason. Holding her hand when we go for walks.
So, I need accountability partners if I'm going to make that change for real this time, and keep it up. My IC, and you folks here on this forum!
I wasn't a very good teacher. And she had a way of tensing up a bit when I hugged her, so I took that as rejection and started withholding affection - hugging, hand holding, basically any kind of touching. This wasn't a problem in my first M so I judged her to much and instead of looking for what worked, I began pulling back and did so for years until she was starving for affection. Things I was insensitive about really upset her and festered for years.
It's great that you are able to recognize this. I find this to be one of the great things about DB, at least for myself, because now I am able to look at things in a completely different way than before. Sounds like you are, too. If you didn't have this S, you would not have had this realization.
Sounds like some interesting things are going on for you..
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Thanks LTH. Yeah. It's sad, but true. I would have just kept on going down that cheese-less tunnel, running faster and faster, just sure the cheese was around the next bend. ;-)
W is heading over. Going to lunch, then Best Buy, then dinner and a movie.
Yesterday was a marathon - especially as it was the first day I did a lot of walking after my back injury.
W and I spent all day together. She was very animated, smiling, making good eye contact when talking about movies and stuff at lunch.
When we went to the movie theater, she asked me to get us a couple medium diet Cokes. Now, we always used to get a large and share it. Funny thing is, I predicted this (or maybe had a latent memory from 6 yrs ago when we first went to a movie after being apart... don't know) and had already ran the scenario through my mind. I would have gotten the two sodas if she hadn't suggested it, to relieve any awkwardness. She seemed to keep well away from that center armrest, but we did have a good time and enjoyed the movie.
We walked the mall, did some shopping, and after the movie, had dinner at the mall.
Since she's planing to paint a kitchen cabinet, I ran into Home Depot and grabbed a gallon of premixed white paint while she waited in the car with some stuff she got at Walmart (where we forgot about the paint. :-) As for the paint, I see that as a good sign someone else isn't helping out, or someone else would have been getting that paint.
She got a little fussy over some things while driving, but not too bad, and I just let it go by. That's something I need practice/training on anyway - not reacting overly harshly. I realize these outbursts come from her fear of driving. She really hates it and is always nervous in a car, even when I'm driving.
She wanted to stay and watch another Inspector Lewis episode (they're 1.5 hrs) even though she was leery of it being dark already (she hates driving in the dark more than anything). But, she did have some clothes drying, so no big deal.
As she was leaving, I was helping load something in the car for her. I asked if it would block view. Said "it doesn't matter." Sounded frustrated. Then as I was going in, she knocked on window to get my attention and waved goodbye.
Wish I could have invited her to stay over, but just too soon for that. I would also love to be invited over to the other house. For that to happen, I think I need to get off my butt and get that darn car, much as I hate the expense.
Things continue apace... W was over for 2 hrs or so tonight. Stayed to watch a show, then took the cat over to the other house. Brought me a few things from the store, including some tea she thought I might like.
She always seems conflicted about leaving, but so far we haven't done anything but enjoy each other's company. No R talk, no physical contact.
