So, W called me about some kid stuff, and I told her about a dream I had that was funny about her, and it kinda moved into R talk a little, but it was constructive and investigative. She started to go negative a couple times, and I was able to gently guide her back to keep it factual, and the emotional/opinion stuff out of it. I validated many of her opinions. I then simply said, "Hey we can have a war of words - we both say we've changed a lot, but it's just words. You simply won't allow any actions to go along with the words to see if they mean anything or not." She said her "heart had been shredded and she didn't know if she was tough enough to keep repeating stuff over and over again". I thought that was a pretty vulnerable statement to make instead of the normal "we're done, I'm moving on, our marriage is over, I'm not working on things, I'm not interested in fixing things with you" - you know the drill.

She is moving into a new apartment, and I had promised her a birthday present long ago. I offered it, and she said she didn't want to be a "gold-digger", but I said I wanted to keep my word. (I really meant that, and she knows that's who I am, not trying to buy love).

I told her that I had sort of ruined that birthday, and I wanted to make it right. This is a 180 for me - I'm notoriously bad about birthdays, or buying bad birthday presents. She told me what she wanted (a mixer) and I ordered it. It was weird because she called/texted me about 5 times changing her mind, saying "don't get it for me", then "fine", then "no, I'm not working on things with you", then "fine". I told her that the present wasn't a bribe, but simply me making something right that I messed up badly a few months back. I told her she could make some of her "world-famous pumpkin cookies" for me in return, and she agreed.

We had been texting a lot, and I told her to just call me - I hate texting, you lose so much, and it's easy to hide behind. I don't mind "pick up the milk" but otherwise, just call. She called me, called back several times, and then she had to go to the doctor's office, so she asked me to continue texting her.

Not good exchanges today at all from a going dark standpoint, but I think the 180 was worth it. If I look back just a week, she wouldn't speak to me on the phone at all, and would barely text; so a huge difference in just a week to have several phone calls with some from her! I'm certainly not expecting her to jump in my arms, but to go from barely speaking at all to talking a lot is not too shabby, even if not all of it is positive!

Again, she hadn't answered a phone call from me, even on business in close to two weeks, but I called tonight to leave a voice mail about the shipment being delayed, and she answered, and was very nice - when, recently, I've been greeted with cussing, etc.

I failed a few times in there, but it's steadily getting better, smoother. I'm much calmer and more in control of statements. I'm leaving out R talk more. I'm speaking with validation, and refusing to get sucked into anger.

I do know the gift had a big impact on her, and she said to bring it over to her when it came in. So now I'm going to take advantage of a good feeling and go PITCH BLACK until it comes in, and just let the good feelings soak. I sometimes think half this battle is leaving the WAS in a good place, and then quitting while you're ahead to fight another day!