Blowing in the wind....

[RosaLinda]

Hi Bea! I so agree, i didn't mean to imply that I thought if I'd been aware of the existance of LLs over the past 38 years, I could have warded off my H's MLC somehow. What I meant was that my double vision eyes had suddenly become aware of all the kind little things he does for me. When I was driving to work, I noticed that he had replaced the squeaky streaky windshield wiper blades on my car. He does stuff like that for me all the time, even now while he's emotionally emeshed in this toxic relationship with the Russian. I always thought it was so nice and made sure to show appreciation for his kindness, but suddenly I realized that that is how he shows his love for me. 

Because I took that LL quiz a week or so ago to try to figure out his LL. I always knew I craved physical touch although I'd never heard of LLs, and sort of assumed that the fact that he was never very physically affectionate to me meant that he did not love me as much as I loved him. 

Thank you Wonka. You are always picking me up, brushing me off, and setting me off in the right direction I am SO excited about England. I think I'm more excited about the Isle of Wight than Londoni! It looks like a fabulous place with castles and cute pubs and beautiful beaches. 

Thanks Betsey. You're right, I can see my friends' point of view. I told them too much about my sitch years ago, back in 2010 and 2011, and told them all that he was in love with me again last fall, and then told them too much again this past March when they disappeared together. What set them off this time is telling a couple of them that he is going to Moscow. 

Usually when they ask I just say things are ok, and explain DB principles when they push too much. What hurt me this past week is that the two of them, two divorcing women, separately took it upon themselves to tell me what they are all saying behind my back, and how ridiculous I appear to them. But, of course it's naive to think that a bunch of women are not discussing it among themselves. 

I'm sorry your sister hurt you Betsey, and am so glad that your business plan panned out and was successful for you. 

"But she said what yours are feeling: They're scared for you. Scared that you'll put your life on hold and be accepting crumbs from a guy who doesn't deserve you. They may be right. But in the end, all decisions on how you choose to fight are 100% yours. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself if you feel this way.

If you don't, then you have other issues and they should probably be addressed. AFTER you come back from vacation. Don't you let this ruin your time!"

Bets, believe me, in his current state, my H does NOT deserve me. I guess my life WAS on hold all these years but it isn't any more. I am supremely happy, faking it until I make it, and like Forever said "Co-workers only worry about you when you appear to be floundering. If you're happy and content, they'll back off."

[Underdog]

Linda,

and like Forever said "Co-workers only worry about you when you appear to be floundering. If you're happy and content, they'll back off."

She's right! It's not so much that you feel or act a certain way, but if you always act fretful, sad and anxious.

If one of your kids consistently showed you that they were depressed over something for a long period of time, you'd probably be concerned for them and take them to task for not taking action, right?

So if you are determined to stay the course, that's great. You've made the best choice for YOU. No need to apologize or feel bad to the rest of the world, right?

One step further... since you're happy with YOUR choice, you ARE happy, right?

For the record, when you need to gripe, this is probably the best place for you to let your guard down. We understand. Been there, have the t-shirt and I have too many in my dresser.

Keep up the good fight, Linda!

Betsey

[kml]

He does stuff like that for me all the time, even now while he's emotionally emeshed in this toxic relationship with the Russian. I always thought it was so nice and made sure to show appreciation for his kindness, but suddenly I realized that that is how he shows his love for me.

One little thing that the book does not address - if your H SPEAKS Acts of Service, odds are that his RECEIVING language is Words of Affirmation (most of us DO acts of service in order to HEAR those words of affirmation "Oh honey, thanks for detailing my car, you are awesome!").

[nero]

heeeey linda -

I always thought it was so nice and made sure to show appreciation for his kindness, but suddenly I realized that that is how he shows his love for me.

Because I took that LL quiz a week or so ago to try to figure out his LL. I always knew I craved physical touch although I'd never heard of LLs, and sort of assumed that the fact that he was never very physically affectionate to me meant that he did not love me as much as I loved him.

i think this too- you're soooo nice in your outlook and devotion to h. i wish i could just either feel it alllll - like you still do- or not feel anything.

the input from friends thing- i have one friend that hates sseing me suffer- i know she can't help it- she is the "speak it rite out" type. she offends alot of people- somehow, i like her still , even tho. once when i was absolutely twirling in place over an upcoming giant party at my house for my mother's 75th birthday i think (or some big one) - she just showed up at my door to help me clean. i can not imagine who else in my life ever did it- just didn't wait to be asked - just did it. it says something about her-

BUT- she can be TOO frank for most folks- sometimes her "being cute" comes out wrong - people get offended. when she jumps in and calls h a rat- i notice my hackles still getup. it's okay for me to- not so much for her. sometimes i can overlook it- sometimes i have to say- "listen- 38 years of history and lots and lots of happy times make this not sooooo cut and dry to me" or something like it- she quickly backs off and acknowledges she can't imagine how it would feel.

it's BEING FAIR - I THINK ANYWAY- us acknowledging the GOOD that keeps us tied somehow. i guess we could go rite to the place of 'it's alllll bad" but like you and your H- mine still does things he thinks are important "for me". like jerking around all day fixing up and loading up a new computer with all my junk so i could switch if things got bad.

idk why he does things to improve and smooth my life - he still does- i say thanks - i'm still pissed & hurt he's got to be boinking ow. how the he!! we reconcile it- idk.

what i like about you is your unashamed loyalty. i think in some way i have it too- even in the face of disbelieving friends and f'ing judgemental and demanding relatives.

f them. so, got a magic matra? i wonder what you tell yourself and if it would work for me?

some days i just think over and over - "you can always leave tomorrow". most days my mind has soooo much rubbish in there it can't fix on anything - good or bad.

i just remember allllll the good things - so far they outweigh this huge huge BAD thing.

who wins in the end? idk...

i'm tired and it's morning- off to hospital before i just , what? explode- think i'll take a tranqilizer- it's small but takes off "caring edge" so

glad you're out there- i'll find a picture and send so you can know what the heck my head looks like-

xxo

[RosaLinda]

Thanks so much Betsey, I AM happy with my choice to stand, and know that it is what I need to do right now. At the end of the day, I will be able to look myself in the double vision eye and know that I truly tried, gave it all I could. Maybe someone else would have done better, been stronger or more of a natural at this, but I'm okay. I AM happy! In general. I think I am doing great with "letting go" and not as great with detaching, but I'm getting there, and am so much happier and at peace with everything going on. I might burst into singing "Que sera sera" any moment! No joke!

I realize that I made a mistake as soon as I gripe to someone out of our circle. I've made resolutions not to tell people what is going on many times, and will continue to try. I'm just such a blabbermouth, it all comes tumbling out!

Thanks for this Ellie: "One little thing that the book does not address - if your H SPEAKS Acts of Service, odds are that his RECEIVING language is Words of Affirmation (most of us DO acts of service in order to HEAR those words of affirmation "Oh honey, thanks for detailing my car, you are awesome!")."

That makes perfect sense. I am sort of doing that naturally, being grateful, but now that I have read LL, will make a greater effort to speak those words of affirmation. I know they are SO important to my H. Thank you!!

Nero, I'm glad you recognize this about your H too. Did you read that book? You can read articles about LL online and take an online quiz too. It helped me so much to realize that not everyone in the world loves hugs! Sixty years old and just learned that! STupid! But see, H is showing you that he loves you in many ways. Now you need to step up to the plate and give him those words of affirmation letting him know how much you respect him and how grateful you are. WHEN you are I mean, don't be phoney about it.

"i just remember allllll the good things - so far they outweigh this huge huge BAD thing."

Yes -- they do. I'm glad you describe yourself as unashamedly loyal "even in the face of disbelieving friends and f'ing judgemental and demanding relatives." We can only be ourselves. I keep my Plan B (same as yours -- "you can always leave tomorrow") in the back of my mind, and as Forever says, it helps me to stand longer. But I keep it way in the back, I do not think about it constantly. Remeember the good things Nero, that will help you!

I hope your mom feels better soon, and your sister gets off your poor sore back. You have a lot going on in your sitch besides your H, give yourself a break my friend!

[Portia]

Princess Linda,

Catching up on your sitch. You sound like you are processing well my friend.

Like you I was amazed at some of the reactions that I had from other people when I finally had to tell people what was going on. I began by telling those who had been in break ups after long term relationships thinking they would be more sympathetic since they had walked in my shoes. Didn't turn out that way at all. I guess it is the way we react to an experience and not everyone gets that.

If you are strong in your decision to stand for your marriage then that choice is yours alone. As my Grams would say about those who won't or can't be supportive: piss on them.

I, too read all about LLs. Ironically mine is QT, so xSOs vanishing was a bit of a double edged sword for him . I think they are a wonderful thing to employ in a relationship but IMO there should be a strong foundation of love, trust and respect otherwise the LL is lost in translation. I do agree though it would be a good gift for new couples.

Thinking of you and your upcoming surgery and trip. The universe apparently wants to distract you a little

[Wonka]

Linda,

Sending you positive vibes for your surgery!

Onward to good ol' England and please say "hi" to The Queen for me.

[RosaLinda]

Hi Portia. Yikes, being abandoned by your beloved SO must be doubly hurtful for someone whose LL is QT. I'm sorry your friends gave you a less than sympathetic ear once you told them what was going on with your sitch, especially the ones who had been thru breakups. I found in my own sitch that my divorced friends are the most bitter. But like Betsey said, we made our choice and are happy with it, therefore, we are happy! It's hard that our friends do not try to understand that we are doing this for US as much as for our relationships. Thanks for sharing your Gram's advice: "Piss on them!" Fabulous outlook on life! We all could use a bit of your Gram's feistiness How old is she?

Portia and Wonka, thanks for your positive thoughts about my surgery and trip. Wonka I am fully expecting the Queen to ask me to be the royal baby's God mother, so might need for you to fly out there and help me out with the protocol, picking out a proper hat and everything!

You're right about the distraction Portia, between my H's trip, my trip, my surgery, and the problems I am having trying to function with this double vision, I am not TOO too focused or spinning on any one problem in particular, I've been an equal opportunity spinner And his trip is taking my H's mind off his possible stomach cancer. God is good!

But that said, do any of you have any advice about how to actually say good bye to my H? He will be leaving a week from today, for a month. He has been so friendly and nice lately, really talking to me a lot and doing a lot of things for me to make my stay at home alone for a month easier, like defrosting and stocking up the freezer, and frying up a bunch of chicken cutlets and individually wrapping and freezing them for me, and checking out my car and making little repairs. I've been thru many EA infatuations with him over the past 4 years, and if not for the fact that he is going to be with that Russian Whore while he's there, I would truly believe that his infatuation for her is passing. I have been doing the casual touch every day and I gave him a hug yesterday. He smiles and sometimes flirts a bit, but does not touch back. I know myself, and will want to ask him for a hug good bye if he does not volunteer one. I'm not sure what to do or say.

Here is my tentative plan: to hug him good bye AS IF I am his wife whom he loves. And then let him go with love and go get my eyes fixed. And although I'll want to know if he landed safely and to let him know how my surgery went, I plan to avoid all contact with him unless he contacts me first. Thoughts?

[Wonka]

Yes, no emails or texts while you're in England and H is in Russia. You can say to H when he leaves for Russia:

"H, be safe and please be sure to bring back a Pushka doll for me." Keep it short and light.

[Whiterose]

Linda

Have some champagne for me at the christening

I like your idea about when H leaves. I think Wonka is right too. Light and short and no contact. You'll be too busy with your trip, surgery, time with friends

Take care