I read your thread and I really commend you for keeping things together with yourself and your kids. Most people are not capable of doing this.
First of all, I am coming from this from the opposite side as a marriage councilor. We often disagree, but I think I am well qualified to at least offer a perspective of what doesnt work! I really, really disagree with not or delaying your confrontation.
Basically, while I understand the idea of delaying confrontation until you think you may have had a chance to implement the 180, fix major relationship issues, or become more detached, personally I dont buy it for a second. Without a confrontation, you are just living in limbo where none of these things are likely to ever be accomplished. Will your wife really notice or care if you become slightly better husband material over the next couple of months? I doubt it. The longer this goes on the more she will love OM and hate you. You could be absolutely perfect in every way, and this process will still play out because she is engaged in instinct driven behavior of rationalizing away any evidence contrary to her goal of maximizing phenylethylamine stimulation. I promise you that she is not thinking beyond her addictive butterfly feelings of a new, secret relationship.
In my experience dealing with divorce on a daily basis, I have never, ever seen an emotionally-charged affair end without some sort of outside pressure. People cite statistics that affairs burn out and dont last - sure they dont last when things hit the fan but if they remain secret, protected, and enabled, there is no reason they wont continue. The only thing I have ever seen end an affair is consequences, and your wife has not faced any.
The longer you allow your wife to live in la la land with her affair fantasy, the more it becomes her reality. Women are hypergamous by nature, there is literally a brain chemical process that causes them to emotionally detach from their partner if they find a new one. Right now you are protecting her secret, you are even thinking about giving her space to conduct her affair so she wont resent you. What you are doing is making sure there are no consequences to her affair, while consequences are the only thing that will end her affair. The longer you wait to take action, the more detached she will be from you, the more attached to the OM she will be, and the harder it will be for you to take action. You will start rationalizing excuses, you will become increasingly afraid to take action, you will become accustomed to an increasingly toxic and abusing behavior from her. For example, why on earth would you wait just because she is changing jobs? Why are you making it easier on her at the expense of you. You will be stuck in limbo where your wife will increasingly disrespect you and if you sit there and take it, she will just dish it out more.
One final thing, and this is really just my opinion, but it seems like women in particular tie love to respect. The real way to kill love and attraction is not making her angry, resentful, or mad, its by making her lose respect for you. She is leaving to spend the day with another man, to have sex with him, and you say nothing. You actually make it easier for her by being there to watch the kids, and send her off with a smile. No wonder she and her OM spend their time denigrating and insulting you. Imagine what she would think of you if she found out that you did this while you knew what she was up to.
