Attraction, oxytocin, and limerence

[2ndtimearoundCA]

So our spouses tell us that it is over and we start DBing. But it is too little too late and we end up separated or in the process of divorce. Now we start the LRT. We get a life, we work on our 180s, we detach. We have taken a seat on the craziest roller coaster ride of our lives and it becomes our reality, our normal. Until we get off.

Will our spouses notice our 180s? Will they see that we have gotten a life? Will it make any difference? Maybe. But what if our spouses are seeking limerence (AnotherStander’s favorite word)? Will our spouses ever realize that the feeling of being in love is temporary and we offer a real love and commitment?

Our spouses have told us “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” Wow that hurts!! Especially now that we are realizing that we are losing something that we had been taking for granted. We want that which is scarce.

And so do our spouses. If our spouses see us as there and available will they ever come back to us? Or is it more likely that they will return when they fear losing us. It may seem ironic that our spouses may finally want us back as soon as we don’t want them any longer.

And so it happens. We begin dating others and truly moving on with our lives and the green-eyed monster reveals it’s ugly face and those brain chemicals kick in and finally our walk-away spouses have feelings for us again.

Oh yes, it is a chemical in our brains (oxytocin in the case of women) that causes those feelings of being in-love. This is what our walk away wives get from seeing an OM. What is causing the attraction (the release of oxytocin)? It is the uncertainty, the mystery, the push-pull dynamic. It is new and exciting. It is fun and stress-free. And don’t forget, our walkaway spouses get a rush just from being “bad”.

What if we, as left-behind spouses, could do things to create attraction in our walk-away spouses? Is it wrong to date others simply to get our walk-away spouses to notice us again? What other things could we do to create a sense of mystery and excitement and draw our spouses back to us? Would we do those things just to open the door of opportunity to potentially reconcile? Or do we need our spouses to come to the conclusion that limerence is temporary and we offer so much more than that?

Thoughts?