NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[2old]

"not because I don't know what is best, it's because the situation gets the best of me and my emotions still fail me."

Dont mean to hijack either but, this is exactly how I am. I'm a grown man acting like a winey wuss and haven't found the formula to get over this sadness. The worst part is I dont understand why I still let the emotions get the best of me. There has to be something to let me start walking like a man again and let me really detach....

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

I think the best thing to do (if you feel that you do get it now), is to proceed with the plan.
I am up for it – I am ready!

I will be:
Strong (GAL, PMA and Boundaries)
Changing (continuing the work on me, work on home, success at work and hopefully solving medical issues so I can get back to exercising.)
Totally withdrawn towards her by no contacts but kid-stuff, no questions, only answer direct questions on practical’s and don’t go out of my ways to help her and just treating her like the neighbor or the stranger asking for directions
Charming by tone of voice, smile, looks and attitude.

Even though you are having to implement some tough decisions, you still hope that one day she will want to come back home to you. That is why you can't be a jerk.

The tough thing in all this right now is not having Ds around that much but I believe I will learn to enjoy my time alone. I believe W sees me as a jerk right now because I don’t want the familytime but nothing else. Perhaps a few missed calls but I am sure she will get over that quickly when she meets the pleasant me!
I don’t want to be a jerk in any way! Some part of me feel like one since I don’t give the Ds family-time but in the long run this will be best for all. So the upsides of feeling jerkish outweighs the downsides, right?

you make the final decision

I totally agree and that’s exactly why you should not feel any kind of responsibility.
My sit, my life and me implementing advice!

I hope I can help. That's why I'm here.

This makes me truly happy and much more comfortable! You already have helped me so much but I do hope that you are up for one more of my questions. (And properly a few hundreds more in the time to come)

I don’t feel that much in doubt regarding interactions with W and without kids this would be simplified a lot. Should I act on my feelings towards and for the children as long I am NOT giving W family time??
As a couple of examples:
Before she moved out we talked about me having one of Ds a night out of schedule sometimes. I feel I could ask W this without giving her cake – do you agree?
If I feel like talking to Ds should I – at any given time – simply just call and state this (and only this) to W?
(I will get the schedule if possible but there will be times out of this when I will feel like calling Ds)
I know Ds will miss W when they are here – should I help them give her a call without them or her asking for it? (This could be read as brownie-points but Ds feelings should IMO be more important.)

It is the plan for months to come. But please do not get off into worrying over things that are a ways off. This is something that is not set in stone. It will be tweaked according to how things are going at that time.

Then just bring it on – I feel ready!
I will try not to worry but that is truly hard with a head like mine. Right now I believe the first thing to happen (if any) is W bringing up the family-thing again. Until then or something else I will post interactions with W and some about my life.
If you need for me to explain something then please let me know.

Thanks!


F

[Fartiltre]

Today I picked up S10 at W1s place and stayed there for a little while. S10 had a cold so no school today – we just went home and we have had the best of days. I enjoy the time with him so much and believe this is a mutual feeling.
S10 told me that XW1 and W ate dinner with the children’s yesterday at Ws place. I knew this was coming but it still gives me some unpleasant feelings. My whole family without me, but I can’t go there. I am guessing that W is trying to get her cake this way and hopes it won’t do.
IMO this is good for the children so I will just have to swallow the camel and then wonder why XW1 didn’t tell me this when I visited today.
XW1 is nicer than ever towards me! The invitation to go with her and S10 on ski has been mentioned again, standing closer, talking more and so on. I don’t believe anything should be put into this other than she has no reason not to be nice and pleasant but it is still a little funny in all of this(don’t worry, Sandi).

W sent me a text last night about some missing things and asked if I knew anything.
She has gone quite businesslike in her wording and she has stopped using smileys…I read a change and I am certain this is due to me telling her that friends won’t do for me. But then again I am mindreading and do not know anything.
I answered kindly this morning and got a reply back in same style, but with a new question that I also answered.

I called W this evening to talk to the girls but they were watching a show so W told me they would call back and they did. D6 didn’t feel like talking but D4 and I had a chat and that was nice! She is looking forward to seeing me Wednesday and she was just the sweetest on the phone. I will have to learn that I miss them and I definitely need more pictures around me.
I also need to schedule this with W. I don’t feel like calling her every other evening but as LTH wrote this will be easier with a schedule. I mentioned this to W this evening without making the actual schedule and she asked why. I told her that I miss the Ds and it’s nice to talk to them. I felt awkward saying this because I don’t feel like sharing that feeling with her but it is the truth and the only thing I could think about stating at the moment.
She came back on the phone after talk with D4 and I ended convo almost immediately.

[Fartiltre]

I went to the hospital today and got examined by the doctors. I will have to go through surgery on sept. 19. This is good news exept I worry about the possible side effects.


I have had a nice afternoon after hospital working on my home – there’s a long way to go but it keeps getting more and more MY home and I like it!

XW1 called twice today! First time about some homework S10 didn’t do yesterday and she was mad. I told her that IMO when you are to sick to go to school then you are to sick to do homework aswell and then I told her not to direct her anger at him but at me if any! That cooled her down totally!
Second time this evening we talked for half an hour. S10 has been crying – he expresses sadness that he won’t see his sisters more than 3 days every two weeks. We talked about this and I told her that I will talk with S10 the upcoming weekend and also told her that I still need some time to figure out how I feel all of this should be handled to secure the children’s happiness in the best way. I told her that IMO I need to guard a rule about these weekends having at least one day where there’s no sports, no birthdays and so on otherwise these three children won’t get any time together. It was quite a nice talk but afterwards I have been thinking if I should have stated this.
XW1 also told me that S10 will stay the night at W in 10 days. She did ask me but I am having 15 guys visiting my home that day and night and it won’t be a place for 10 year olds.

Shortly after W called twice – I was busy and didn’t hear the phone but called her back. D6 picked up and asked if she could attend girlscout tomorrow. I was caught off guard and did a stupid, stupid thing – I said “I don’t know!” I should know better than leave a question like that unanswered! Later on I told her that we will go tomorrow and that we will talk about GS the following weekend but damage was done. D4 came on and then W for 2 seconds.
W called again later and told me that D6 had been crying and that she was sorry about me being caught off guard (before I mentioned anything!) Then she started chit-chatting. I tried several times to end the convo but didn’t manage to so it ended up lasting 10.33 min and I said almost nothing. She primarily talked about the Ds but also a little about a mutual friend that has gotten very ill.

So lessons of the day!
Strict plans for the children’s activities at least one week in advance
Practice on ending Ws chit-chats



SteveH and 2old

Thanks for looking in on me! I do hope that all the time and effort put into my sit by VETs and others can help – not just me – but a lot of LBHs. So when the two of you posts here it makes me glad!

You however seem to have a good handle on implementing a strategy once you understand what others are trying to say.

Thanks for these kinds words!
I try my best and hope you are right! When I get it I do feel I am able to implement it and even though Sandi might disagree I have felt this way from early on. I now know that I properly followed the wrong path and the reason for me to do that was that this path simply was the one I believed the most and that’s only due to LBH-fog!

The worst part is I dont understand why I still let the emotions get the best of me.

I have been guilty of this and so have almost all LBH – if not every single one! It’s not about if it happens because it will over and over for a long time – it’s about what you do when it happen and I try to follow the rule of doing absolutely nothing when I carry my feelings on the outside. The 48 hour rule is also a dear friend of mine!

There has to be something to let me start walking like a man again and let me really detach....

IMHO only one thing – YOU! Don’t even think about detaching for real right now – you will have to fake it! Get your emotions and thereby yourself under control – that should be your first step! Start by focusing on you by:
Exercising
Gaining knowledge about the WAS and your situation
Changing your looks and your surroundings
GAL and focus on meeting NEW people or taking up old friendships
…and then stick to Sandi2s rules: they will keep you on the right path if you follow them!

Stay strong and live your life healthy. I will be trying as well as it seems my situation is slowly following your path.

I am not up to speed on your sit but if you do believe you are going down the same track then do be aware of not misinterpreting signals from your W. If you have read my threads (and spend the week it takes) you will know that my W did so many nice things and acted very pleasant, but still moved out!

Be strong! I wish you guys all the best!

F

[sandi2]

I don’t want to be a jerk in any way! Some part of me feel like one since I don’t give the Ds family-time but in the long run this will be best for all. So the upsides of feeling jerkish outweighs the downsides, right?

The point I want you to understand is that your W has used the excuse of giving the Ds family-time, which to her means all of you together. This is how she gets to eat cake. So, try to re-train yourself to think of family time meaning you spending time with your girls. Some day, hopefully, it will include all the family members, but for now it will be you and the children.

The tough thing in all this right now is not having Ds around that much but I believe I will learn to enjoy my time alone. I believe W sees me as a jerk right now because I don’t want the familytime but nothing else.

When she begins to see you and the girls enjoying time together (family time) without her.....she will see a new definition in that term she uses. Right now, she is defining her version. You have your own.

You will miss them when they aren't with you, that is a fact in which you can't pretend otherwise.....nor would I want you to do so. My son has gone through his first year of divorce. He also has two little girls. He was the stay at home parent, and suddenly everything turned upside down for him.

Before she moved out we talked about me having one of Ds a night out of schedule sometimes. I feel I could ask W this without giving her cake – do you agree?

Yes, I agree. As long as you are not doing it as favor for the W. Not that you can control her going out while the girls are in your care, but neither do you want to appear as a handy babysitter. Again, you can't get too rigid about some of these things, or you may look "jerkish" to her.

[lovethehub]

I told her that IMO I need to guard a rule about these weekends having at least one day where there’s no sports, no birthdays and so on otherwise these three children won’t get any time together. It was quite a nice talk but afterwards I have been thinking if I should have stated this.

F, try not to be too rigid. I still don't understand the harm in D participating in scouts and if two nights a month your schedule is off, that's really not a big deal. As for having a day each weekend you have them that you will not allow sports or birthdays, is that practical? If your son joins a sports league, what will he do? If they get invited to a party, they can't go? I know you need to balance activities and family time, however, these issues are faced by families every day whether they are M or D. Yes, some kids are in too many things and it rules lives completely, but it is hard to just pick a day and say "nope, you can't do anything on Sat/Sun". In an effort to keep things under control, we only allow one activity at a time. If S is doing baseball, no scouts, etc..

The tough thing in all this right now is not having Ds around that much but I believe I will learn to enjoy my time alone. I believe W sees me as a jerk right now because I don’t want the familytime but nothing else. Perhaps a few missed calls but I am sure she will get over that quickly when she meets the pleasant me!
I don’t want to be a jerk in any way! Some part of me feel like one since I don’t give the Ds family-time but in the long run this will be best for all. So the upsides of feeling jerkish outweighs the downsides, right?

F, I can't help but think that your with/without time is very long. Is this the norm in your country? I had to go through parenting classes when ex and I separated (mandatory for all D's with kids) and also had to take my D to a psychologist when ex took me to court for custody issues. We were told that 7 days on/7 days off was okay when kids were older but was too much time apart from one parent when they were little. Is 50/50 each week an option?

I can understand your concern on not having any "family" time with D's. Sandi is right, this is your family now. Yes, there are times where parents will spend bdays and major holidays together for the kids, and that is great. What Sandi is trying to help you with is the fact that your W wants this family time regularly to ease the consequences of her actions. If she gets all of this family time, she will be less likely to miss you. Christmas is a long way off in DBland, maybe by then it will be okay to spend some time together that day.

If I feel like talking to Ds should I – at any given time – simply just call and state this (and only this) to W?
(I will get the schedule if possible but there will be times out of this when I will feel like calling Ds)

If you really want to talk them, yes, call. You don't have to have a schedule, that suggestion was to ease your concerns about W misunderstanding why you are calling. You don't have to be rude/abrupt either (and only this), you can be friendly and say what you want without worrying if a few other words are in the conversation!

I called W this evening to talk to the girls but they were watching a show so W told me they would call back and they did. D6 didn’t feel like talking but D4 and I had a chat and that was nice! She is looking forward to seeing me Wednesday and she was just the sweetest on the phone. I will have to learn that I miss them and I definitely need more pictures around me.
I also need to schedule this with W. I don’t feel like calling her every other evening but as LTH wrote this will be easier with a schedule. I mentioned this to W this evening without making the actual schedule and she asked why. I told her that I miss the Ds and it’s nice to talk to them. I felt awkward saying this because I don’t feel like sharing that feeling with her but it is the truth and the only thing I could think about stating at the moment.

F, can you video chat? This would be even better for the girls and more interesting to them. Little children are not the greatest at phone conversations but at least they could see your face every couple of days. You should not feel awkward about saying that you missed them and wanted to talk to them, it is the truth.

went to the hospital today and got examined by the doctors. I will have to go through surgery on sept. 19. This is good news exept I worry about the possible side effects.

I am sorry you have to have surgery but hopefully this means they actually know what the problem is now and they can fix it?! Good luck

[2old]

Hey F, thanks for the words and yes, reading ppls sitchs' here helps to see were not the only one going thru this. Im into 4 months now and am now trying to really get a grip and move forward. I believe you are right when you say gaining knowledge about our WAS' and our sitch. B/c without that info I dont know how far we can really get to honestly move forward. I may be wrong but may not be either. As Ive heard many times we cannot control what our WAS' are doing but maybe understanding why they did helps the LBS.

[hotwheelsaust]

I know you need to balance activities and family time, however, these issues are faced by families every day whether they are M or D. Yes, some kids are in too many things and it rules lives completely, but it is hard to just pick a day and say "nope, you can't do anything on Sat/Sun". In an effort to keep things under control, we only allow one activity at a time. If S is doing baseball, no scouts, etc..


I am sorry you have to have surgery but hopefully this means they actually know what the problem is now and they can fix it?! Good luck

Fully agree with lovethehub, when you have kids, whether separated or in a good marriage, these issues come up all the time.

Good luck with the surgery F.

[Fartiltre]

LTH,
Once again – THANKS! I keep stating that and the meaning of it keeps rising!

F, try not to be too rigid

I am trying but let me paint the picture!

3 children in three different classes means more than one birthday a week.
S10 plays football Monday, Thursday, Friday and then match Saturday and/or Sunday.
D6 is GS wedneysday and one day some weekends
D4 will properly start gym in a short while. One weekday and every other weekend.

I want my children to know each other out of a car – and I want to know them.
I have S10 from Friday afternoon to Wednesday morning every two weeks and some Tuesdays. I have Ds Wednesday afternoon until Monday morning.
You 2x4 me on this one earlier on and you was right in doing this! Since then I have been thinking and calculating. If I go with all birthdays and sports (now and to come) they simply wont see eachother. You have to take in to calculation that S10 is living 45 min away and so is soccer and birthdays. Ds is 15 min away.
Scouting Wednesday is from 17.00-18.30.
Soccer normally ends at 19.00
My normal working hours are 8.15-16.00 (45 min tranport in both end have to be added)
I also would like for them to bring a friend here once in a while.
Also add them visiting friends.

I am having a hard time on this one – I want to do good for my children, I wan't them to have friends and do sports, I want them to know eachother and I want to spend time with them!
This will get harder when all of them joins something and their social life expands! My family is gone and I haven’t got any help around.

I am not trying to be punitive or inflexible (and I am not sobbing allthough it sounds like that) - I properly just want it all and now I have to do some prioritizing. I simply can’t do it all, keep regular eating times, get D4 into bed at a reasonable hour and so on. I do hope you understand.

F, I can't help but think that your with/without time is very long. Is this the norm in your country?

Nope, norm is much worse! H: every other weekend (Friday – Sunday) W: the rest! – Crazy, but true.
I will work on seeing one of Ds alone some days and I believe W will see this as good. I just need a few weeks then I will ask her about this.

Is 50/50 each week an option?

Not at the moment! I will any day of the week lose trial!

I can understand your concern on not having any "family" time with D's. Sandi is right, this is your family now. Yes, there are times where parents will spend bdays and major holidays together for the kids, and that is great. What Sandi is trying to help you with is the fact that your W wants this family time regularly to ease the consequences of her actions. If she gets all of this family time, she will be less likely to miss you. Christmas is a long way off in DBland, maybe by then it will be okay to spend some time together that day.

I get this totally! I will meet up on Bdays in the mornings but only W, children and I. Likewise the other way around. Bdays is not until spring so let’s wait and see. I will wait deciding on Christmas until then – I have all 3 this year and I will look for a nice place to spend the evening. We celebrate Christmas in the evening on the 24.

If you really want to talk them, yes, call. You don't have to have a schedule, that suggestion was to ease your concerns about W misunderstanding why you are calling. You don't have to be rude/abrupt either (and only this), you can be friendly and say what you want without worrying if a few other words are in the conversation!

I have done this but I feel good reading that this is OK! – Thanks!
I am getting there, LTH!

One question:
Was is you writing about how your happy posting on FB tricked something in your H. I did post 2 things on FB yesterday and got a lot of likes and comments. I have never done this before but I am thinking about being more active on FB but this seems to go opposite of all I read in here.

All the best!

F

[hotwheelsaust]

Wow F, that is a whole lot of kid stuff time. I really don't have much of an answer. Have you/ could you discuss this with the kids altogether and see what they have to say?