One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[sandi2]

Lying to me and interest in other men...hell no!

I believe this is a moral issue, and not mental health related. Unless bi-polar disorder causes you to do things against your own volition.

Yes, we can be more patient, loving & understanding......maybe even excuse some things people do if we discover they indeed have a mental problem. I agree that it might explain her flip-flopping, but this date with OM was "planned". She was counting down to the days till she could be with him. I think that is plenty cause for fresh pain. Yes, you had expectations, but who doesn't when they think they feel a sliver of hope in the air?

I am concerned about tomorrow. Maybe the two of you can take S3 where there are other things to help keep each other preoccupied. If you just depend on each other to carry the conversation, it may be tough.

[T1000]

W has the mental health appointment on Tuesday.

If W contacts me to tell me what happened, what should I do?

When I talk to W about her cancer treatments and how she is I do the "friendly neighbor" thing. I ask questions, make lots of eye contact, but I don't drill down too deep into what's going on if that makes sense. I let her lead the convo, sometimes she's chatty and other times I just get brief responses to my questions. I don't particularly care which way she goes on that, if she's chatty I'll listen but if she's brief then I don't keep asking questions, I find something else to do.

I think in the position your in what you do is correct. However considering my W's recent treatment of me does she deserve even that much?

W: Eta?
Me: I've dropped them off. (After dropping them off)
W: At my mothers?
Me: Yes, where else?
W: What time did you leave them?
Me: Just now.
W: Why so early?
Me: No reason
W: Well in future can we keep it to 5pm? I'll head round and get them.
Me: Sometimes it can be.

You're pushing each other's buttons. You could have defused things by saying "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted me to drop them off at an exact time. Can we agree to some leeway since we can't predict traffic, say between 4:30 and 5:30?" Don't let her drag you into the mud, instead you try to pull her out of it.

Again going on her recent actions and the way she expects things I don't believe she deserves that much form me.
Maybe I'm just not in the right place right now. Any sort tone from her and any sort of niceties go out the window.

Coparenting requires constant negotiating. You ARE going to need favors from her in the future, and she will likewise need favors from you. I know there's a lot of anger/ bitterness over what she's done to you recently (and I totally sympathize with you there, she really hasn't been fair to you at all), but try to wear a different hat when it comes to your kids, be the negotiator instead of the wronged husband.

I find that hard to believe. I have been driver, provider and weekend babysitter for over a year now. I can't think of anything where I would need a favour from her that she would do.

Sorry if I'm being negative AS, I appreciate you helping I'm just not in that place right now.

[T1000]

Me: I have thought about it and I would like to be there for S3's birthday in the morning.

You might have added "if it's OK with you" since you already told her you would not be there. The above sounds kind of like a demand when it should be a request. Like I said in the post above- it's all about negotiating.

I was going to ask her what changed her mind about working on the M etc.

NOOOOO! Get back to your DB'ing my friend Get comfy with Sandi's rules again. Don't ask that kind of stuff, no matter what the answer is you're not going to like it.

Right now I don't feel like having her in my life as W anymore. The question was more for her to look at and maybe think about more than anything else.

[T1000]

Lying to me and interest in other men...hell no!

I believe this is a moral issue, and not mental health related. Unless bi-polar disorder causes you to do things against your own volition.

Yes, we can be more patient, loving & understanding......maybe even excuse some things people do if we discover they indeed have a mental problem. I agree that it might explain her flip-flopping, but this date with OM was "planned". She was counting down to the days till she could be with him. I think that is plenty cause for fresh pain. Yes, you had expectations, but who doesn't when they think they feel a sliver of hope in the air?

I am concerned about tomorrow. Maybe the two of you can take S3 where there are other things to help keep each other preoccupied. If you just depend on each other to carry the conversation, it may be tough.

Had a little look into it and the manic phase of bipolar is linked to infidelity.
I know she isn't diagnosed I'm just curious.
When I was looking I came across a list of bipolar traits. It read like a list written about my W.

It's W's mental health appointment tomorrow. S3's birthday is a week on Wednesday.

[T1000]

@Sandi,

I know we don't do rules here but with looking at F's thread I was curious to what you think my guidelines should be right now.

What sort contact with W?
What Family time should I do/not do. (Not that there is necessarily any on the cards after S3's birthday)

I feel like doing all the things you have advised F to do but obviously each sitch is different and we are in different places.
I could just give up and prepare to file myself but I know this could be just short lived anger and frustration.

[Fartiltre]

T,

Hold your horses for a second and think back through your sit…..

You have been in the exact same spot once before and that was also about OM!
I remember your anger then and I see it now! I understood it then as I understand it now.
I read the same feelings surfacing and you need to cool them down right now!

Do not speak in anger! This goes if you choose to end things but also if you don’t! Speaking in anger is much worse than not speaking at all! You have been and still are a jedimaster of DBing so that’s exactly what you should do!

I'm going to be careful to not tackle them right now or W may see this as me being punitive. Some of it actually could be, I'm not the best judge right now.
So true – so don’t say anything that could be judged!
When I told you to take a break the other day it was a break from W, sit, forum – just all of it! I am talking about two or three days.

[quote=Sandi]However considering my W's recent treatment of me does she deserve even that much?

Again going on her recent actions and the way she expects things I don't believe she deserves that much form me.

Sounds punishing to me and I do understand why you feel this way! She deserves a #!”%#”(&! for this kind of behavior but if you go down this anger-road she will be in control! She will have gotten to you! You know the drill, the words, it all – so right now cool off, have a run and a beer, let W be W and figure out what you want, but first let go of some of the anger!

Hopefully Sandi will be back with some more solid and actionoriented advice than mine, but the above is what hits me!

I do feel and pull for you!

F

[T1000]

T,

Hold your horses for a second and think back through your sit…..

You have been in the exact same spot once before and that was also about OM!
I remember your anger then and I see it now! I understood it then as I understand it now.
I read the same feelings surfacing and you need to cool them down right now!

Thing is F, for the last few weeks thoughts of the original OM were creeping in my head and I have been trying to fight it. I struggled with the 1st one, you know how much I did and W and I were apart at the time.

We were still working on M this time last week.

It could just be too much.

[Fartiltre]

It could just be too much.

I get that, T - I really do!

I am not telling you to do either or - I am just suggesting that you don't make the decision right now and that you don't talk to W right now!
You need to be able to look back, at this decision whatever it turns out to be and in the future to come believe you didn’t act in anger. I believe this will serve you good later on.

I remember the last time very well – I was the one that told you at that point, that she wasn’t cheating on you! IMO this is totally different – this is simply way across any line of sense and reasonable behavior!
This is your call and yours alone! We will all be here and support you no matter what you choose

All the best!

F

[labug]

You're hurt and you want to hurt her. Is that really who you want to be?

When you are are in this mindset, she does control you because you hand the control over to her by reacting to everything she does.

[labug]

I forgot to mention all the mindreading you do that makes the story fit your emotions.

You need to take a break.