One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[Fartiltre]

T,

I just had a little break from the forum - returning and reading your postings makes me feel sad on your behalf and astonished by the actions of your W.

I can’t offer you anything but thoughts and prayers.

You have received good advice and perhaps it is time for you to do a little break – just for you!

All the best!

F

[T1000]

T,

I just had a little break from the forum - returning and reading your postings makes me feel sad on your behalf and astonished by the actions of your W.

I can’t offer you anything but thoughts and prayers.

You have received good advice and perhaps it is time for you to do a little break – just for you!

All the best!

F

Thanks F

Do you mean a break from the forum or something else?

[T1000]

W has the mental health appointment on Tuesday.

If W contacts me to tell me what happened, what should I do?

[adinva]

What would you answer yourself to that question if you were someone else?

[T1000]

Do you mean if it was someone else's sitch on here and I was advising them taking into account recent events?
or
Someone who isn't W telling me about it?

For the 1st one I would probably tell them to wish them luck with whatever they were going through or something similar.

2nd one, probably empathize with them (that's for labug ). Tell them if they needed me to let me know.

The 1st is game playing to certain extent. Why would I give W anymore who doesn't want me as a H?

[labug]

I think that might be sympathy^^^

Empathy goes a little further in that when you have empathy for another's situation you have a level of understanding, as if you feel with the other person, perhaps because you've experienced a similar situation.

Having empathy for yourself can mean you don't beat yourself up over mistakes you've made: I did X, it was not the best choice, I will learn from this. I will check my feelings to learn why I chose x and the next time I will try not to act our of my feelings. Now I will move on and leave this in the past

The things that other people do that set us off the most are usually things we don't like within ourselves. So the first step in being able to have empathy for others is to have empathy for ourselves, just as the first step in forgiving others is forgiving ourselves.

[T1000]

Not heard from W since mid Friday.
The plan was on Monday I would drop the kids off at her Moms because she wasn't back in town until 17:30

Seconds before I was dropping them off at 16:00 I get:

W: Eta?
Me: I've dropped them off. (After dropping them off)
W: At my mothers?
Me: Yes, where else?
W: What time did you leave them?
Me: Just now.
W: Why so early?
Me: No reason
W: Well in future can we keep it to 5pm? I'll head round and get them.
Me: Sometimes it can be.


Through the text I kept saying to myself, "don't react, respond, don't react, respond."
I felt like biting at the "why so early?" and the "Well in future..." really got me wound up.
The "I'll head round and get them." is game playing. She has told me nothing about what she is doing to the point that I'm dropping them off at her Moms.

"I'll head round and get them." translates to "I was actually here but you didn't know it and I'm slipping this in here to get to you"

I was listening to an audiobook on Boundaries in the car. I tried to listen to it months ago but it didn't sink in. Makes a lot of sense now.

I regards to dropping the kids off I feel that seeing as I'm doing the driving unless it's special occasion I should be deciding when I drop them off within reason. I'm feeling like a timed babysitter.
Things like bringing them back later on a Sunday and similar things I had been doing recently because W and I were getting on and working at it. In a way I was giving her some of the benefits of having a H.

We aren't working on it and I want to take some of the benefits away again because they aren't suitable in the current position.

I'm going to be careful to not tackle them right now or W may see this as me being punitive. Some of it actually could be, I'm not the best judge right now.

I have just messaged W telling her I would like to be there for S3's birthday in the morning.

[T1000]

Me: I have thought about it and I would like to be there for S3's birthday in the morning.
W: So you not doing something with him in the afternoon now?
Me: I'm open.
W: Right well I was just going to do my own thing with the boys in the morning...let me have a think about it.
Me: OK
W: Wish you'd make up your mind.
Me: I could say the same about you.
W: Fair play
Me: Can you answer something for me?
W: No. Not really


I was going to ask her what changed her mind about working on the M etc.

Now I'm not sure what she thought I was going to ask.
I have it in my head that she thought I was gonna ask if she slept with the guy she was on the date with.
I know it's a lot of mind reading but either way if she did the sooner I accept the possibility the better it will be for me.

[AnotherStander]

W has the mental health appointment on Tuesday.

If W contacts me to tell me what happened, what should I do?

When I talk to W about her cancer treatments and how she is I do the "friendly neighbor" thing. I ask questions, make lots of eye contact, but I don't drill down too deep into what's going on if that makes sense. I let her lead the convo, sometimes she's chatty and other times I just get brief responses to my questions. I don't particularly care which way she goes on that, if she's chatty I'll listen but if she's brief then I don't keep asking questions, I find something else to do.

W: Eta?
Me: I've dropped them off. (After dropping them off)
W: At my mothers?
Me: Yes, where else?
W: What time did you leave them?
Me: Just now.
W: Why so early?
Me: No reason
W: Well in future can we keep it to 5pm? I'll head round and get them.
Me: Sometimes it can be.

You're pushing each other's buttons. You could have defused things by saying "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted me to drop them off at an exact time. Can we agree to some leeway since we can't predict traffic, say between 4:30 and 5:30?" Don't let her drag you into the mud, instead you try to pull her out of it.

Coparenting requires constant negotiating. You ARE going to need favors from her in the future, and she will likewise need favors from you. I know there's a lot of anger/ bitterness over what she's done to you recently (and I totally sympathize with you there, she really hasn't been fair to you at all), but try to wear a different hat when it comes to your kids, be the negotiator instead of the wronged husband.

[AnotherStander]

Me: I have thought about it and I would like to be there for S3's birthday in the morning.

You might have added "if it's OK with you" since you already told her you would not be there. The above sounds kind of like a demand when it should be a request. Like I said in the post above- it's all about negotiating.

I was going to ask her what changed her mind about working on the M etc.

NOOOOO! Get back to your DB'ing my friend Get comfy with Sandi's rules again. Don't ask that kind of stuff, no matter what the answer is you're not going to like it.