I am having to learn to live with this pain. I know that with time it gets better but seems like everyday I wake up and there is a certain sadness in me. I know that at this point it is no longer about OM or my wife. This has to be about making me a better person. If my wife likes who she sees, then maybe she'll come back. At this point I don't really think she will so I will have to learn to detach and accept that my wife is probably in love with OM and not me. Work wise things have gotten better. I am able to concentrate more and actually get stuff done. The week I found out about the affair I literally got nothing done at work, had my door shut and looked like a mess. My mind and heart is still heavy, but I am getting better at suppress my feelings, at least until I get in the car to drive then I really let the tears out.

I start school today and I am not looking forward to this semester. Mondays are especially a killer with me taking two classes. I told my wife that on Mondays when I get home (which will be around 10 pm) that I am not going to do anything else but spend whatever little time I have left with the family. I really wanted to take this semester off but she keeps telling me that I need to finish this - that the family didn't sacrifice all these months so that I would quit. She continues to talk about the future (like buying a new house together, maybe having another kid, etc). I guess those are very positive signs. I was supprised when she mentioned she wanted a family portrait done the other day. Yet, she enjoys having her cake and eating it. It's hard to tell if I'm the backup plan or if the OM is the backup. Either way, she is enjoying the best of both worlds while thinking I am oblivous to it.

Wednesday is our anniversary. I got her some diamond studs, plan on taking her to a fancy restaurant, will decorate her bed room with balloons, rose petals, etc and will send her chocolates and flowers to her job (I would like to see OM express when those come in - J/K). I am not sure if I should write her some type of letter telling her that I am sorry for all the stuff I put her through and that I love her, want to be family, work on our marriage, etc. Maybe that will be too much. Any advice there? She's been telling me that I need to go big but I'm so afraid of being pushy. Maybe I need to start taking so risks? Maybe not. It's so hard to say when she is so deeply involved with OM.