Not New to This Anymore

[steveh27]

Just going to journal a bit.

Had a bit of a back pedal. It's is so hard for me to not have control over my emotions. I can't get out of my own way at times.

W went out with her SIL for dinner around 5:30. Kids texted her and I guess she didn't answer. My S15 wanted to go to a friends house with other friends but the W and I are not a fan of this family and the way they raise their kids. I said no ... and S15 gets upset and asks why and I tell him the toned down truth of our feelings. He obviously at 15 doesn't get it and texts my W. She texts him back and says "Dad has his reasons for saying no". Saying that unfortunately left an opening for the S15 to keep asking me and blaming me for the reason he's not going. I get upset and text her back with "I'm sick of being the bad guy - at this point I dont care what he does." Yes, I was not in a good mood and handled it poorly in hindsight but I felt left out to dry, which plays into a theme lately for my situation. Ok, I was feeling sorry for myself a bit also in all honesty.

This played into the rest of the evening when the W wasn't home at 11:00pm (which is very very rare), and it got the best of me.
She came home around 11:30pm and said her sister and brother (SIL's husband) met up with them at a pub. I was already upset from before and asked if she could of respected me enough to let me know she was going to be out later than just dinner. We got upset and I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore and we went to sleep. Again in being honest, jealousy definitely was my issue here, on a couple different levels. I was jealous she tends to go out more than I do. I was jealous she looked great. She never looked this great since we were first married, although either did I until recently. Not pointing fingers on how well she looked but more of why. I know she is looking to move on and wants to look and feel good for herself and unfortunately someone else. I know I have to shake these feeling if I am going to be mentally healthy, but holy cr#p it is hard as a LBS.

Unfortunately this is the stuff that would drive her crazy during our M and I'm not helping my cause by not detaching enough not to
backpedal like this.

I almost feel I need an IC again to deal with my emotions. I should have stayed with one but was feeling I was just regurgitating the same old stuff early on. My thoughts and the situation has matured (I use the term loosely for myself) to a point where it may be helpful to talk some of these things out in more detail.