You are a loveable person, you don't need other men to know that, it's something you have to discover about yourself. Iknow you're hurting and searching for something but I fear you won't find it in the places you're looking. I think it's keeping you further from your truth.
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labug- what am I really afraid of? I think I'm afraid I still love H ( a lot) and in order to rise to the next level of detachment I am purposely engaging in other R's to protect myself from the continued hurt he is causing.
Think more about where your fear lies.
Detaching from one person doesn't require another person.
Are you protecting yourself or running.
To get beyond the hurt, you have to go through it. You have to feel it to your core, let it pass through you. Distracting yourself with OM will only delay that process and it will come up again.
What I hear in your post above is you're not really sure who you are or what you want. That's a scary address, I lived there for too long. I tried to run from my fears but being busy, having stuff I "had" to do, people I had to see yadda, yadda, yadda.
I was in full blown flight mode.
Once we face our fears we usually find out they aren't as scary as we thought.
((( )))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I do have feelings for H... I just don't know what they are anymore.
Right, that's why you need some time to sort things out without the distractions of a new R. I'm not saying not to date until D, I'm just saying wait until you're sure that's what you want.
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We have so much history together, so I think I will always have unconditional love for him. BUT, I don't think I am in love with him in the same way at all--not be a long-shot.
I know what you mean. I just don't think it's possible to maintain love for someone who doesn't love us back unless it's a limerence thing (which is very unhealthy). I'm not in love with my W anymore. I was thinking about it over the weekend, about how bizarre it would be to have her back in the house and my bed. I used to want nothing more, now she just seems like a stranger to me. I don't think I would even like having her back. If she ever wants to R there's going to have to be a LOT of rebuilding work first.
39:)minus 21 years together.....dont wonder why you are enjoying this. Its been a long time and you met your H young- during the "party"years.
Furthermore- Who cares what the OW did or didnt do. He walked away.
What do you want the end result of this mess to look like? Its your decision, but you need to decide. Once you figure that out your next steps become very easy.
Decide now because at this moment you have lots of doors to choose from- wait longer and continue on and those doors become fewer and fewer.
My biggest fear is that something happens that allow H to play the victim card at the moment YOU realize that you want your family back.
Happy first day back
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
PS- First day back was good- thanks for asking! My new job is going to be A LOT of work but ultimately I think I will enjoy it very much.
labug- You are right that I may be running- IDK. I am tired of feeling hurt and sad. In fact I most days I feel pretty good- have accepted what IS and am living my life.
Part of that feels like I am ready to move on/enjoy new R's (which I am a bit). But, I do have boundaries with cute guy- very clear boundaries & he knows what these are too.
ruby-I am definitely not hanging out with him for revenge. He is someone I enjoy talking to & having fun with (playing board games). Yes, we have kissed-one time. Will it happen again? Likely.
PS- What do you mean "He walked away?" H's OW evidently told him SHE needed time to be alone. Her D is final this week. I don't know what this will mean down the road... will H wait to she if she changed her mind to be with her--possibly, maybe probably. Once thing is VERY clear to me...if this rekindles I will be filing. I am not going to live my life wondering when/if it will end again and again.
I was already on the edge of filing myself before our sitch shifted (H has NC with OW...maybe at work ???) & I just started a new job.
I am willing to wait a couple of months to see what happens. But, I will continue on my own journey at the same time. I pray that God will lead me & I trust he will help me to make good choices.
PS- "What do you want the end result of this mess to look like?" The answer is I don't know. 6 months ago that would have been an easier answer. Now I have traveled further on my own path and it would take A LOT on H's part for me to consider R. I'm not saying I wouldn't consider trying BUT I think he's MONTHS and MONTHS away from even considering thinking about R. I don't think I have it in me to not move forward which may in effect mean that I am no longer choosing to stand.
For now I am sitting back from it all. Guarantee you I will hang out w cute guy (with boundaries), though.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Like work for your H isn't going to be awkward lol!
You know the best path for you. It is unfortunate that when the WAS fog begins to clear, sometimes we have some momentum going. The final outcome of DB is to be good with you, in whatever form it takes
Also, it's okay to now know exactly what you want. The answer will come to you.
However, kissing the guy won't help you get the answer you need. I know you like spending time with him, but I would avoid it. It's like trying to lose weight but stocking on Ben & Jerry's (which I did---and stopped doing!)
I tried to run from my fears but being busy, having stuff I "had" to do, people I had to see yadda, yadda, yadda.