Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[JuneReN]

One year in for me too. If I had t had found all of you I know that I would not be where I am right now and am grateful for even the pain because it makes me appreciate the good.

I love that quote too. Funny that I just sent it to H yesterday when he sent me a rumi quote saying basically the same thing lol!

Seriously considering for my new ink " warrior in training ".

[labug]

thanks guys from a relatively newbie(one year) I want to get that 'in charge of my emotions'...also to implant in my head that worry solves nothing. I'm still just in the trying to detach phase! a lot to learn, but I am willing...

wbw, you'll get there as long as you keep moving in that direction. Everyday get up and set your path. Do things to move you toward your vision.

Focus on what you need to do not what your H is or isn't doing. Your happiness is up to you. ((( )))

I was still pretty unsteady at the 1 year mark-I should go back and read a post from last year.

Naaaaahhh.

[bustingout]

Naaaaahhh.

lol Bug.

[ces67]

Hey Ad, how was the concert?

My son bought a machete a while back as well. He's got a collection of various knives now. definitely a phase of teenage boys. I had to go buy a big piece of plywood to keep him from tearing up my fence. He painted a big zombie on it and it became a great target. I always supervise but its funny how fast that phase passed. The next big milestone is he asked for a storage tub to clear out all his lego's from his room....

Has school started for the boys yet?

[labug]

Both my boys went through that machete stage, too.

About the legos, I don't think my oldest will EVER get rid of his. I think they actually started him on his career path.

[adinva]

So, journaling the latest. I asked H for some money. My son's scout account was way overdue including this year's summer camp and ski trip and last year's summer camp. I emailed H and asked him to pay last year's summer camp, and he's going to.

MIL emailed asking to see us and we made a plan for this weekend, H brought her to spend the day with him doing errands and help his friend move stuff, and we were going to meet for lunch. 30 minutes before lunch time my dog ran off, S15 fell asleep claiming to be sick, S13 made plans to go to a friend's - which we try to encourage because he spends most days alone in our house. So I asked H and MIL if they wouldn't mind just coming to my house instead of meeting at a restaurant 30 minutes away. They agreed and I made fried rice.

S15 never came out of his room. S13 was made to stay home until he'd had a conversation with grandma but then he was allowed to go to his friend's. He and the friend ended up coming back to our house anyway.

MIL said she didn't want the boys to come to her house because she didn't want them to be bored. I asked her, does [other more favored grandson] go to your house? She said yes. I asked, "is he bored there?" she said no. I said, it would be nice for the kids to spend time at your house. Next time we'll come to you.

While H was puttering around somewhere else in the house she told me her good friend's daughter's husband "left and is taking everything." The kids, I asked? No, she said, the money, he wants all the money. I had trouble with this conversation so I did't ask follow up questions to encourage it to die a quick death and move on to a subject I felt better participating in.

I mentioned to H that S13 is thinking about hanging a hammock in his room, and H was all, I'll get the hooks and I can put them in and etc, and I asked him if he could do it together with S since S needs to learn to be self sufficient; I didn't tell H in order for him to jump in and do it FOR us.

H gave me a suggestion about a van he found for sale, and I asked him to please stop worrying about my car. It's fine, I'm not in the market for another car now. I let him know the service appointment was about the radio speakers, because he's getting in my business and acting like my car is his issue. That is annoying to me.

He's been working out a lot, his arms are huge. I do not find them attractive.

On the positive side, he made a joke about S13's friend having been raised in the jungle, and it was nice to all be laughing together. And he gave me two guitar stands that I can use for my meetup.

I felt a little bad or guilty because I couldn't produce the kids and get them to give their dad and grandma some quality time. Well, S13 did Ok before leaving to get his friend. S15 well, another mysterious illness that resolves after his dad leaves.

I hired a contractor to fix our walkway and submitted the application for HOA approval of the job. It's broken to the point that my mom can't get in or out of our house without a major production. I thought I didn't have the money to do it, but unfortunately someday I might be getting money from her estate. I decided to spend it now enabling her to get into my house. It'll all work out. Anyway, I wanted to keep H out of my business, but he's still a co-owner of the house and it seemed like a bigger infraction for me to be secretive about construction on our property, so I sent him a brief email informing him of the work that was going to be done, just so he wouldn't wonder when he sees the workers next month. He had no comment.

MIL made a big issue about how lunch at the restaurant was going to be for my birthday and I messed it up by cooking lunch, and she was going to need to take me out another time. I said, really, don't worry about it, seeing you is enough, and it means a lot simply that you remembered my birthday. H made no comment.

I told H there was something he could help me with, and he jumped right on it and took care of it. I needed help getting the metal screw part of a broken lightbulb out of our kitchen fixture. I would have thought it needed shutting off the power to the kitchen, but he just got pliers and fixed it. I appreciated having that done.

I think this new kind of normal is manageable; I felt a little anxious about the need to avoid things that annoyed him in the past (like being exactly where I'm supposed to be exactly on time and not changing plans or making things more confusing) but when I felt anxious I reminded myself that there's nothing to fear, worry is useless and I can handle what comes as it comes, whatever it is. I didn't stay anxious. I did move the Shoes out of the front hallway and I did put away the Christmas lights that got pushed in a corner. Those were my concessions to things I know bug him. AKA 180s.

I had some GAL planned today but it fell through, there were too many teens over for me to sneak out to the bar my friend played at but they're there every month so I'll catch them next time. I got lots of work done on my gardens, much needed, and some catchup work closing out my final volunteer job, also much needed. I set aside this weekend for that type of stuff, and to get ready for a camping trip next weekend.

By the way, the new song I'm learning to play is Closer to Fine, bug!

[labug]

AWESOME! We need to have a big DB campfire sing-a-long and belt that one out. It always makes me happy when I hear it.

I think you're doing great in letting your boys find their way through this mess that is none of their doing. Does it feel uncomfortable? I would guess so. Does is fee like you should be doing more? Probably. They're just like all of us, the more you try to control them, the more they want to show you they can't be controlled, and then things really get off the rails.

[adinva]

Yesterday H was over, and i felt like he bugged the crap out of me. Today i'm wondering what i need to do to not be so irritated next time. Have a conversation asking him not to do certain behaviors i find disrespectful? Tell myself to be prepared that is how he acts so i can let it roll off my back? Put more distance between us so there is less interaction for a while? Go for a run?

I swear, things that i wrote about over two years ago (anyone remember our issues about garden tools?) still come up. I could cut and paste them.

I want to do better. I'm sad to think that after all this time and distance and all my introspection, we can't just get along like normal people.

I still tried to clear away things i thought he might notice and feel uncomfortable about, and i was very busy the whole time he was here and getting major big chores done, and he still managed to overlook everything good and remind me a rose clipper was next to the mailbox (yes i was still coming back to finish that chore). And that still irritates me and i still have that feeling that i could do 10,000 things but he would find a 10,001st thing to harp on. That was one of the first signals of depression that my IC pointed out to me.

Differences, i dont feel the same degree of overwhelmed or why-bother. I use his arrival as a good excuse to tidy up but i'm not doing it just to avoid his criticism i'm doing it for me, i believe. I give him less power over my emotions bc he's not my husband anymore and he's not staying just visiting.

But the similarities have me wondering when he's going to start treating ME like a neighbor or coworker. Meanwhile i know the secret behind being less irritated lies within me. Just need to figure out what it is i need to do differently, or think differently.

[Accuray]

Or maybe just be irritated and accept that? When two gears have different sized teeth they are going to grind no matter what you do.

You're right, he's going to find the 10,001st thing and he will point it out, and doing so will make him feel the slightest bit better in the moment and you will feel irritated and put down and unappreciated, and he won't care because he thinks your infraction merits those feelings and may teach you to be "better" and then he feels good about himself again.

I don't think that changes until he deals with his own issues and stops picking you apart, or you get to a place where you just laugh off that he's so petty and take pride in what you do well. It will take time and energy to get there, that you could invest in other ways.

Is it worth it until he decides to make an effort? That emotional energy can go into you and the boys instead.

He's a annoying guy when he does that -- that's no reflection on you! (But you already knew that)

[Underdog]

Hey there AD,

I'm reading your stuff with interest. You are an incredibly intuitive and a smart chick.

So put on your smart chick hat. I know you've got one.

Today i'm wondering what i need to do to not be so irritated next time. Have a conversation asking him not to do certain behaviors i find disrespectful?

OK, smart chick. You know that you can't have *this* conversation with him. You can't control how he behaves any more than you can control the weather. But unlike the weather, you don't have to put up with it.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just goes looking for sh!t. Seriously. He's keeping score, and he must be a walking pile of negativity.

Just need to figure out what it is i need to do differently, or think differently.

1. You can tell yourself that he's an a*hole and he is one mess of negativity and his opinions mean squat. (Yeah, that's hard, particularly when you're in the moment of being on the other end of his spewing.)

2. You could turn the sitch around and start laying into him about all the things he does wrong when he starts. (Hey, that might be fun? At least for a time or 2?)

3. You can tell him to pretend you are a co-worker he doesn't really know. And that unless you ask for his opinion, he should keep his mouth shut. In fact, you could tell him the only topic that you want to discuss with him here on out is about the boys. Period. And then end the conversation when he veers off course?

My vote? Get a can of WhupAss and go for #3. Then enforce it like hell.



Betsey