one comment to your observation about your h & being nice. it is my experience that my H - as he approaches an assignation- he becomes alllll nice and pleasant, etc. my take is that on some wierd level-
1) he's happy and excited about his big upcoming adventure and so he's feeling "generous" to me. (this is sickening to feel and think- but this is my honest reactions)
2) and then, part of me thinks he needs to check in and check up and MAKE SURE i'm all in my place in his life and still "there" (whatever that means- idk-i don't think it's conscious on his part). he makes sure his "old life" is all intact- before he can go enjoy his new one.
the second notion- is not exact science. if i scream or yell- he goes anyway. HE IS SOOOO immersed in thInkng he's in LOVE (I GUESS - tho he won't say it to me- he said it to her in that e-mail - but then he was saying it to someone else also at same exact time- so? sick or sad or both) anyway tho- HE IS WILLING TO TAKE THE CHANCE with me walking away.
oh yeah - the pivotal thought going on tho- in the background -
3) part of me also thinks (and he's said this a million times - "i know what you think" "i know what you'll do") he is SOOOOOO ABSOLUTELY F'ING CERTAIN ABOUT ME- how i feel, what i'll do- etc. he does not believe i will walk away from him. your h is probably absolutely certain somehow that you will always "be there". forever. if he wants you in 20 years- i believe, that they believe, they can reclaim us.
PERSONALLY - I THNK it's garbage and they under rate us. maybe not- i'm still here- tho i do have a notion it's my decision "to stand". for whatever reason- this would take three years to dissect- for either of us... the WHY (every nuance)
the time frame- the 7th would be good - - i've been feelin bad to think the whole trip was queered - if ur works sun and ya wanna come fri and leave sat- that would be good. if you want to come by self that could be good. if dawn can manage it- that's okay. if it's just for lunch - that's okay- i'm pretty darn loose - in general - in life.
maybe this will inspire me to do some HUGE amazing DE clutter in life- . i'm even forgetting for one moment my mother and geting her home from hosp- etc. in life. i'm hoping tht will all somehow iron itself out- i'm sooooo DONE with it all. maybe nazi stuffedshirt sister will take over and make it happen WITHOUT ME BEING THE WORKER BEE that is actually present and putting in the time & work - yeah, rite....
i need to say out loud that i haven't "entertained"in a million years - so i'm not Martha stewart. (i may not be an "exciting" hostess either- FEEDBAck last fewyears is less than glowing - my kitchen is small as a twinkie and i haven't planned meals in years- but i'm willing and will try and get this garden &house tidied up alot more than it currently is..... ta da...we can just visit and "wing" it all. the connecting being the important part.
SO - DO I make a new e-mail address with some other provider- then open myself up a fb as something like nerosgarden db? i'll go give it a try- i would like to meet you (funny- we all share so much to think i don't know you guys)
this cloak and dagger stuff is soooooo jerky- and not me. the lengths i feel i need to go to for what? really? so this guy that says he doesn't care- finds out something or another??? aside from being a stinking whiney wounded animal- what have i got to hide so much??? my weak underbelly?
that being said- my new notion of my family is that it's nothing more nor less than "animal instinct" going on here. we're a "pack of jackals" and i am last couple years (or was anyway) the "wounded animal" - they can smell weakness or sickness - AND I MEAN SMELL - the minute you're "limping" they gotta eat ya - or leave ya to be eaten. no more- no less- you're goin down if you're not keepin up with the pack...
nice huh? nothin personal man- just "business". we coulda been mobsters huh???
okay- let me go try the fb thing. xxoo have a good day
