Newcomer's brief summary

[sweetbabyred]

As the others have said, goals are things that you do for/by yourself. If it involves someone else's actions, it is not a goal.

You just need to work on the issues that you know you had within the relationship and become a better person, no matter what happens with your w.

And definitely don't ask those questions. Because even though it might be obvious to the entire world that her relationship won't work out with the om, she is only feeling hormones and "love" right now, and it may only cause her to prove how right they are together and how wrong you are.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Hi Doubledown,

I am in a very similar situation and I too am struggling with whether or not I should confront my wife about the affair. Generally speaking though, I don't think anything good will come out of it. In my situation, I think if I confront my wife she would deny it, then accuse me of not trusting her and would probably ask for a divorce. People in affairs are not rational and cannot be spoken to in rational ways. Unfortunately, they have to come out of the fog and fantasy on their own and there is nothing we can do to spend that process up. This will be the hardest thing you will have to endure but be strong. I know you can do it. Your story has given me some inspiration to press forward. Keep posting, journaling, venting, etc on these forums.

[doubledown]

Thanks Flyonthewall,

I appreciate your words and understand your position.

[doubledown]

Hi Cadet. Thanks for that response!

You hit the nail on the head! I have two school's of thought in contrast. My DB coach suggesting waiting a couple months so I could do DB and 180's. There's been no indication my W has noticed. And my therapist saying do it now to put it in W's lap so she needs to make a choice before it progresses even further.

I wasn't aware that MWD is against confronting the spouse. I thought I read that the LRT was an optiion after the affair was revealed and the WAS refused to end it. No?

I realize it's my choice and I do have to live with the consequences, that's why I'm trying to get feedback from as many people as I can who have confronted their WAS with the knowledge of the A and want to know their outcomes.

I will re-read Sandi's post. I would like your opinion as well. It all helps!

I'm thinking that if I confront her prior to her just telling me that she's unhappy in our marriage and that she's leaving, I will be able to put the onus on her.

Leaving a marriage is one thing, but leaving for another person that you are sexualy involved with while your married and have two small children at home is going to put the pressure on her because she'll have to think about how all the people we know, including family, will react.

Per MWD and Sandi's suggestion, I would never divulge that information to family or friends, but my W doesn't know that.

That's what I'm thinkg. Thoughts?

[doubledown]

Thank you so much for your feedback rkyfat73! I really appreciate your thoughts and words. It makes me feel a little more confident.

That's really something to consider about taking a breath and not rushing into anything. And I do need to work on getting myself in a better place and build my strength(emotionally). I'd hate to start running again since I've lost 20lbs. since 7/5/13!! Stress.

I think what W is getting from OM is attention, complements, he's 12 years younger, they share a strong work ethic. W told OM that they share the desire to set goals and work hard to attain them, if they hit an obstacle, they find a way to overcome it. That is not not my strong suit!

They worked together for a couple years until today, and the owner of the landscape business where they worked, died suddenly. The OM held the owner to the level of a father figure as he had worked with him since he was 15. So they grieved that loss togther.

I'm sure he pursued her.

Our marriage has been challenged a great deal over the past 5 years. W lost her career due to economy in 2009. Took lowly reatil position at landscape nursery. Felt humiliated, underemployed, unappreciated, we scraped by, as she had been earning 6 figures prior to this. She ran into big conflict with manager and found it difficult to work there, but had no other options. Was invloved in a serious auto accident in 2011. Recovered for much of 2012. Went back to work in 2013 at same place and now is in relationship with OM, who is an overweight, uneducated 32 year old hispanic who speaks broken english and smokes. I'm puzzled.

Ever since she started working at this place we constantly argued about how many hours she put in at work and that I'm at home with our two kids every evening, and all day on weekends.

We literally spent no time together for two years. And this is the result.

How do I attempt to meet her emotional and other needs at this point? Do I just stay upbeat, PMA, GAL and have fun with the kids?

I'll work on my skills and learn more abour DB and DR. I've read 5 Love languages as well.

[doubledown]

Thanks for your response and supportive words JonF!

I think my "patience and grace" are possible because ultimately, I realize that my other option is to react emotionally like many have in this situation. I don't think that's the most productive route and would probably be cause for a quick exit from W.

I realize that I do not know what the future holds, but it's so difficult to think about the past 12 years being chucked aside by W and not valued at all! Our two boys WILL be damaged. My W is selfishly making choices that will affect four people and damage the rest of their lives. The worst part is that 3 of those 4 have no say in the matter. That hurts.

I just don't understand how a person will not take responsibilty for their committments. Everyone makes mistakes and has shortcomings. Who is one person to determine that there are no more chances? And the penalty is your family is broken up and taken from you.

To think of all the physically abused spouses out there, addicted spouses, and those who truely hurt each other who seem to work through their problems. But then there's people like me who are held to a different standard. W doesn't feel in love with me and has withheld her love and intimacy for years, so I lose my family with no questions asked?

AHHHH!

[doubledown]

Wow TooTrusting!! Thank you! I'm so glad you responded to these posts. I really struggle with all these thoughts because most of the posts I see from others are after an A has been revealed by some means.

You have helped make it a little more clear to me about better ways to approach this. Basically, I'm hearing that confronting her outright with the specifc knowledge is aggressive and controlling, perpetuating any opinions she may have of me.

You mentioned that she may be telling him things that are not necessarily her true intention? I have seen in previous texts and emails between them that she does lie to him about some details. Especially about me.

Your point about W living in a dream world and needing to get to reality on her own is interesting. I must admit, it's been embarrassing to read some of their text/email exchanges. They're very childish exchanges, blindly making all encompassing statements about "forever" and how much love they have for each other, when in reality, it's been a relatively short time to be making end-all statements like that.

What do you make of it?

I like your suggestion of sharing with her my committment to get help and work on myself for me, kids and her and including a concern of why she's working late, because I'd really like to work on our relationship and spend more time together as a family in the evenings.

I'm really going to think about these suggestions TooTrusting. This is exactly what I 've been looking for with regard to getting some feedback from others who have been through dealing with an A.

What was the process in your situation? Was is revealed to you? Did you find out on your own and DB? I'd love to get moere details if you're willing.

thanks again.

[doubledown]

Thanks for pointing that out. I've been wondering about these goals. I can see your point about them being about what I want.

Can you help me out and give me an example?

[doubledown]

Thank you lovethehub, for responding to me and even more for taking the time to consider my concerns and get back tome with your thougts. I'm very greatful that you would consider sharing with me your perspective as a WAW. That will be truely valuable to me. Again, I appreciate your help and will await your next post.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you again soon.

thank you so much!

[doubledown]

Thank you sweetbabyred! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

Sometimes I'm confused by MWD's books (DB & DR), because they focus alot on working on a marriage in trouble, but not necessarily while a spouse is involved in a heated PA without the other spouse's knowlegde. So, I've found it very challenging to find an approach to address and improve my realtionship in its current state.

Your point about setting goals for myself and working on things that were present and problematic within the relationship and becoming a better person, is a great help.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees that this relationship with OM doesn't have much going for it. If that's the only reassurance I can get, I'll take it. There's not alot of that available in my daily life. At this point, I haven't told a soul about my situation and I'm not comfortable sharing it outside of this community for fear that it could potentially be shared with others.

thank you!