Me- LBS or WAS?

[littleGTO]

FY- I don't know why, but your thoughts and opinions mean so much to me! I feel like I'm losing face here. Like I said, I was embarrassed to post that I've kissed not one, but two guys!

The drunken kiss was a mistake and I wish I could take it back.

The one that concerns me is the cute D'ed guy I am liking & want to see again and again. Yet, we have only hung out a few times & he shows far less interest in me (doesn't initiate texts except late at night & has been drinking, no direct compliments as of yet, made it clear he is not interested in a R right now)... yet, he is also becoming a good friend. Someone to talk to/someone who has been through what I have been through (D'ed...W left him).

Anyway new job starts tomorrow...changing my focus now. Need to give distance & because of circumstances will be easier now.

leftcoast-- I didn't think I would start dating before a divorce either--we'll see. I didn't think I would kiss another guy--too late. I don't intend to have sex with another man--still don't. Things get all twisted on this journey sometimes.

labug- what am I really afraid of? I think I'm afraid I still love H ( a lot) and in order to rise to the next level of detachment I am purposely engaging in other R's to protect myself from the continued hurt he is causing.

To watch your H grieve the loss of OW is sickening. I hurt for him, yet the reasons for his hurting are enough to make me want to kick him to the curb.

I AM NOT PLAN B, and yet is that what I am waiting for?? To see if H will eventually come around, through this hurt, to MAYBE want to R on the other end of this? And, should I continue to want him? And, should I NOT be continuing to GAL and meeting new people and forming new friendships?

Everything logical in me screams I am done, yet my emotional side keeps battling me on so many levels. I love H. I don't love H. I like cute D'ed guy. I don't see any real R with cute D'ed guy.
I won't be Plan B! Maybe I WILL be Plan B, even though I never thought I would settle for this. Maybe I will stand and stop seeing cute D'ed guy. Maybe I will continue to stand but see cute D'ed guy with boundaries. I just don't know.

I have so much to think about, but need to take a break for my new job.......!