I just feel so much better. I went to church this morning and felt this new peace that I haven't felt in awhile. Got myself back on the track that I committed to over a year ago.
And I still have much to learn about love. Just like I had to learn about letting go lovingly, and setting up boundaries loving..
... now I have to learn how to communicate with her in a loving way when it comes to my negative feelings.
and now I have to learn how to love her whilst protecting my heart.
I wouldn't use the word excited.. but I feel very inspired now.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I am very glad to see you are willing to take risks. X admitting her fears and acknowledging the broken trust is IMO huge. Having empathy and perceiving from another’s perspective is also huge.
As a friend I have concerns you could be hurt and I acknowledge your courage taking the risk. Risk is a part of everything we do and without risk there are rarely rewards.
Good Luck tonight.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
There was a portion of a thread over in Newcomers that expressed this better. In my own words:
One cannot plan the minutia of every conversation or how to respond to every permutation of a conversation. So don’t allow yourself to get wrapped around the axle of what to say.
It is better to have a general goal for the conversation in mind and utilize conversation to steer in that direction.
The goal is the destination. The conversation is the journey. Keeping the journey pleasant and headed in the general direction of the destination will get you to your goal.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Dinner was hard. I'm still processing so forgive me if I don't make a ton of sense.
Met with X, we started off with normal chatter. It was pleasant and there were laughs.
Getting into the bigger conversation was hard. I will be honest with how I feel now.. fully aware that it may change and fully admitting that I have no idea what to do with this information.
She is scared of me. She is never sure how I am going to treat her. She was afraid that I was meeting with her to lash out, tell her I hate her, make her feel sh!tty (more so than she already does). Lay a guilt trip on her... and the list went on.
All negative ways she believes I acted in our Divorce. TBH - I don't recall too much of that but I could tell by looking at her that those things are her truth.
She also informed me that she had no intent when reaching out to me initially. Only that she saw good conversations and kept building on that. She realizes that at some point she started initiating conversations with me.
But at the same time, she has no idea where it is going. She doesn't know if it will turn into a friendship and that she doesn't want to commit because she one day it may get to a point that it is too much for her. And she doesn't want to hurt me again. She admitted it was selfish but honest.
There was alot of times that she mentioned. "This is my truth, accept it". When I mentioned texting was not ideal for me when I couldn't tell her tone - she made it very clear that "phone time"' was hard for her. She had work, 6 sponsees, 2 sponsors, and a girlfriend, meditation and yoga. She has soo many people in her life, she literally has to schedule everything in.
She told me I could either accept that about her or not.
Wonka was right. Her trigger on Thursday made her think "Screw This.. I'm done". I guess I trigger her a ton.
I said everything made sense. I mean - I had asked her to tell me what she feared and she did.
She wasn't super responsive to my end of it. Talking about my fears and triggers. There was alot of I understand it, but not alot of "how can I help with it".
That too was hard.
I walk away with the impression that I still want to put in the work to make it safe for her.. but she does not. Makes sense to me - if she was willing to put in the work - we wouldn't be divorced.
She said she was leaving the conversation with the ball is in my court. I'm not sure what that means...
She tells me she is around - but I honestly have no idea what that means....
I don't feel like it was a bad conversation - but I feel emotionally beat up.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It is an important first step for the two of you. Talking things over. Obviously, it wasn't easy at all.
We cannot change our WASes perception of things as they see things as they do and it is their truth whether we agree with it or not. Sometimes in the midst of the divorce process, we all have said and done things in the heat of the moment that we regret and can't take back. The past has passed-as T said in his thread.
Perhaps when the emotions settle a bit more and enough time has passed, you might want to consider taking the next step to reach out to XW as she thinks that the ball is in your court.
State to her that you appreciated her being open and honest with you which required a great deal of courage from her. Then make a genuine apology for your part in causing her pain and ask how you can make amends. I'm thinking it'd be an important step in conveying to XW that you 'heard' her and that you're making sincere efforts to aid in the healing process for the two of you.
I think what you can take away from the convo is that XW is very wary of your reactions and has her guard up to a certain extent in a self-protective mode. You are going to have to figure a way to transcend beyond old conflicts and old pain. Again, I do believe that asking for help in making amends with XW would be an important step forward in achieving that goal.
Let me share with you a bit on the first phone conversation I had with Ms. Wonka last Fall that was a first in many years. She told me that she wanted a healthy R, being able to support and encourage each other with mutual respect. That was big coming from her and that did soften things up between us. Perhaps in time it will happen between us. Who knows? But it starts with a dialogue, then many more thereafter.
I know you are a very thoughtful, insightful woman and good at analyzing stuff from various angles. Wanted to share my POV to give you some additional information on how you'd want to take the next step with XW.
You can do this!! I'm right behind you propping you up.
Hey Val. The dinner seemed pretty heavy. Especially for you. Be very proud of yourself for staying so open minded throughout... I'm sure at times it would have been easy to throw up some walls but you didn't! ((((((hug))))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I'm right behind you propping you up.