It is a blessing that she doesn't know. I must not take that for granted. I am really looking forward to the anniversary but do not have any expectations. You are absolutely right about making decisions based off emotions. So many times I want to react but I find myself suppress those feelings until I can be alone to pray, cry or shout.
I remember when my wife first divorced me. The first 6-7 months were pure pain. There were so many times I wanted to quit and yet I fought for my marriage despite the odds. I don't know how I did it back then but I know it was hard and this forum really got me through a lot. Now that I am in the same boat (but this time with OM), I find it even more difficult to fight for my marriage. The OM being in the picture really damaged my self-esteem and confidence. I think I could fight forever for my marriage if there was no OM. But this is a different beast. I thought my odds the first time were bad but my odds this time around seem virtually impossible. Yet, I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. Reading the stories of how people in this forum have beaten the odds gives me a slight glance of hope. My wife is with OM right now and I have to accept that I am not in control. Ultimately, it's up to God and my wife if things will ever turn around. I would like to GAL but with school starting again tomorrow and my wife always leaving me with my daughter to be with OM, I find it difficult to have alone time to reflect, read and just listen. I am very thankful that this situation has caused my daughter and I to become closer. That alone is such a blessing - one that is making me want to fight for this marriage and keep DBing. I would do anything to protect my daughter from the pain of divorce. And yet, everything begins and ends with choice. My wife choose to have an affair and I choose to be a jerk. Now we both are reaping the consequences and I only hope that it is not too late to save this marriage. In the end, my only true hope is to save myself. Only then will the marriage have any shot of being restored.
