Confused and Lost

[Mimi00]

sorry you have to go through this.

I don't know...I may be weird but I consider you to have the upper hand with your wife still at home and thinking youre oblivious to her A.

On my anniversary, this past May, my H was hundreds of miles away. What did I get from him that day.... a "happy anniversary text" that was all......not even a phone call.

So look at the positives in your sitch even though the negatives seem hard to bare right now. Stay strong and don't make any permanent decisions based off of your emotions....

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks Mimi30,

It is a blessing that she doesn't know. I must not take that for granted. I am really looking forward to the anniversary but do not have any expectations. You are absolutely right about making decisions based off emotions. So many times I want to react but I find myself suppress those feelings until I can be alone to pray, cry or shout.

I remember when my wife first divorced me. The first 6-7 months were pure pain. There were so many times I wanted to quit and yet I fought for my marriage despite the odds. I don't know how I did it back then but I know it was hard and this forum really got me through a lot. Now that I am in the same boat (but this time with OM), I find it even more difficult to fight for my marriage. The OM being in the picture really damaged my self-esteem and confidence. I think I could fight forever for my marriage if there was no OM. But this is a different beast. I thought my odds the first time were bad but my odds this time around seem virtually impossible. Yet, I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. Reading the stories of how people in this forum have beaten the odds gives me a slight glance of hope. My wife is with OM right now and I have to accept that I am not in control. Ultimately, it's up to God and my wife if things will ever turn around. I would like to GAL but with school starting again tomorrow and my wife always leaving me with my daughter to be with OM, I find it difficult to have alone time to reflect, read and just listen. I am very thankful that this situation has caused my daughter and I to become closer. That alone is such a blessing - one that is making me want to fight for this marriage and keep DBing. I would do anything to protect my daughter from the pain of divorce. And yet, everything begins and ends with choice. My wife choose to have an affair and I choose to be a jerk. Now we both are reaping the consequences and I only hope that it is not too late to save this marriage. In the end, my only true hope is to save myself. Only then will the marriage have any shot of being restored.

[MileHigh]

"I thought my odds the first time were bad but my odds this time around seem virtually impossible. Yet, I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one."

I felt exactly the same way. This is second time around for this M, and I had one D long before ever hearing of DB. There's been an OM each time. It is painful, and I had the same problems concentrating. Seriously worried about losing my job!

You have to put those doubts aside so they don't drag you into self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a fine line to walk between hope and the brutal reality of the situation, but that's the path the DBing LBS must walk.

[lovenomatterwhat]

I am having to learn to live with this pain. I know that with time it gets better but seems like everyday I wake up and there is a certain sadness in me. I know that at this point it is no longer about OM or my wife. This has to be about making me a better person. If my wife likes who she sees, then maybe she'll come back. At this point I don't really think she will so I will have to learn to detach and accept that my wife is probably in love with OM and not me. Work wise things have gotten better. I am able to concentrate more and actually get stuff done. The week I found out about the affair I literally got nothing done at work, had my door shut and looked like a mess. My mind and heart is still heavy, but I am getting better at suppress my feelings, at least until I get in the car to drive then I really let the tears out.

I start school today and I am not looking forward to this semester. Mondays are especially a killer with me taking two classes. I told my wife that on Mondays when I get home (which will be around 10 pm) that I am not going to do anything else but spend whatever little time I have left with the family. I really wanted to take this semester off but she keeps telling me that I need to finish this - that the family didn't sacrifice all these months so that I would quit. She continues to talk about the future (like buying a new house together, maybe having another kid, etc). I guess those are very positive signs. I was supprised when she mentioned she wanted a family portrait done the other day. Yet, she enjoys having her cake and eating it. It's hard to tell if I'm the backup plan or if the OM is the backup. Either way, she is enjoying the best of both worlds while thinking I am oblivous to it.

Wednesday is our anniversary. I got her some diamond studs, plan on taking her to a fancy restaurant, will decorate her bed room with balloons, rose petals, etc and will send her chocolates and flowers to her job (I would like to see OM express when those come in - J/K). I am not sure if I should write her some type of letter telling her that I am sorry for all the stuff I put her through and that I love her, want to be family, work on our marriage, etc. Maybe that will be too much. Any advice there? She's been telling me that I need to go big but I'm so afraid of being pushy. Maybe I need to start taking so risks? Maybe not. It's so hard to say when she is so deeply involved with OM.

[MileHigh]

"It's hard to tell if I'm the backup plan or if the OM is the backup."

I think it's likely she doesn't know, either. But you have to remember not to push her in OM direction. I learned that from experience, believe me.

Those thing she's mentioned do sound positive, but be careful to take them with a grain of salt. If she's confused, she can change her tune quickly. But do pay attention to such things. The hard part is moving very slowly, taking it in and taking time to think about your responses and actions. I have had a very hard time with that, and often my impulses were not the best choices.

[25yearsmlc]

I feel totally confused and crushed right now. Last night our daughter feel asleep on my wife's bed so I slept in my daughter's room. At around 4 am my wife calls my cell phone and tells me to come to the room because her back hurts. So I put a heat pad on it and then she made some room so I can sleep on the bed. I actually held her all last night. It was night.



All of this^^^ was good! THEN you blew it by snooping! You gained nothing!

She wants to love you but is attracted to the OM
But does not trust your changes. Instead of being more motivated, now you want to quit??

STOP SNOOPING! It's getting to be a real compulsion of yours and you need it to stop!

I later did some snooping (I know, I shouldn't be doing that) and the OM was texting her kisses. My wife responded that friends shouldn't be kissing and that they need to just be friends. She then told him that it is so hard just to be friends and that once she starts kissing him she just can't stop. Arr......


Be glad she only wants to be friends. This could be so much worse. And it will be if you keep snooping and putting yourself on a roller coaster.

This is self inflicted crazy making mood swings you put yourself on!

Earlier today my wife was telling me that we need to take a family photo together and that we need to get her wedding band traded up (the place we brought it from allows you to trade it in for the same amount that you paid as long as you pay 20% more than the original item). We spent most of the day running errands.

Right now she just left the house to have coffee with OM. I am just hurt.



Wow. I mean on one hand I totally get it. It does hurt.
Otoh, I am detached enough to want to shake some sense into you.
She wants a future WITH YOU!

Don't make her regret that. And she will if you revert.

Sounds like you want to be your old nasty self and this time blame it all on her...is that it?
Man I hope I am wrong.


Even though she called me at 4 am, she was texting this guy from 2:30a to 4 am right before she called me.

THEN she called YOU! She wants reassurance from you. You are your own worst enemy. Yes SHE IS CONFUSED!
Now is Not the time for your waffling & moaning and Not being stable.

BE ROCK STEADY IN KNOWING YOU ARE THE MAN SHE NEEDS FOR LIFE, Because if you don't KNOW THAT BY NOW, HOW CAN SHE?

What do YOU want? To wallow?

I am being direct and blunt because I don't think I will get thru to you fast enough if I am not blunt.

Just when I think I am making progress she continues to run and seek this guy first.

What matters is who she ends up with...


When I found out she was having coffee with OM (she continues to talk to him in the bathroom and sometimes I can hear both sides of the conversation), I just felt like crap. As soon as she left I started to cry and almost threw up. It hurts to think that my wife does not desire me, does not want me, would rather be with OM than her own husband.


You must have heard a totally different conversation, or you are being a negative glass is half empty type. I did NOT hear her say she prefers him!

Stop the stinking thinking!

I think things are getting better but I feel like I am fooling myself. This is so hard. I know I have to get a grip and act normal when she comes home. Days like this I just want to confront her and bare my soul. I want more than anything for our family and marriage to be restored.


Fine^^^^ to this, but then below, you begin to spiral negatively, and that's not helping your situation at all.


I hate OM. I hate that even when my wife is trying to break away he is able to seduce her. I hate that she refuses to take a stand for our marriage and tell OM enough is enough. I want my wife to love me, to want to be with me. To really commit to making the marriage work. $%*# scream. Grrr...$%*#

Had to vent. Really down.

Pick yourself up and see a C soon. Did you hire a DB Coach?

They are very good, and much cheaper than a divorce.

There IS hope. Hang in there. Your anniversary plans sound good. How about dancing? Or a show or play?

Maybe lose the rose petals unless she has mentioned them before. It will be too much pressure. Also mention your d and gratitude for her AND or getting the chance to become the man you always wanted to be...

And above all, Stop the Stinking thinking! It brings you down way too much and darkens your view, and where I see light, you seem blind.

Make sense?
Good luck!



.

[Mimi00]

I wouldnt write an apology letter....why bring up negatives about yourself from the past, that she can read over and over again, especially on your anniversary? Stick with present talk and let you actions give her glimpses of the future. If you do write something make it encouraging something that causes her to feel love and hope and good about herself.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Not sure if there will be an anniverary tomorrow after all. Yesterday I blew it big time.

Class finished early yesterday so I decided to go see my daughter swim. When I got there, my wife was with OM sitting down watching my daughter. I was livid and confronted both of them on the spot. My wife took our daughter home and I spoke to OM for about an hour. I told him that seeing my daughter swim or participate in any activity was unacceptable. I told him that I am aware of the affair and that what he did is not right - that it is a complete disrepect for family, my wife, my daughter, etc. He kept denying it and said that they were just friends - that I am making assumptions. I told him that it was not appropriate for him to be telling my wife that he loves her, to be texting her in all hours of the next, etc. He continued to deny it and then told me that he has a lot of dirt on me and that he cares too much about my wife to tell her about it.

When I got home my wife at first laughed it off like it was funny and a misunderstanding. She kept herself busy for the first 45 minutes (putting clothes away, working on some work stuff, etc). Nonetheless, I told her that I knew about the text messages, about her going to his apartment, about them being sneaky, etc. She blow it off like it was just a misunderstanding. She even asked me to lay down next to her and go to bed. That night I couldn't sleep. I kept walking and pancing back and forth. My wife got up at around 2 am and let me have it. She told me that I had invaded her privacy, that she is very close now to just walking away from the marriage, etc.

Today she has been very cold with little contact. I feel like I really blew it and that the marriage is now lost. I was not expecting to see OM watching my daughter swim and I lost all self-control (no excuses, should not have happened). I sent her a text message this morning telling her that I love her and that I want to make it work. She replied "how do you want to make it work when your doing things like this"

I wait about two hours and sent her a long text (I know, I probably shouldn't have done it). It reads

"I don’t like how things came out the way they did. I truly believe you want to make our marriage work and so do I. It does not change the fact that you tell this guy that you love him, that you miss u and that you can’t wait to see him. It doesn’t change the fact that this OM calls you his amour. It doesn’t change the fact that you were planning on going to the beach with him for your birthday. It doesn’t change the fact that you have been secretive with your dealings with him, coming up with reasons to see him at night (coffee, going to HEB, whole foods, etc and yet it takes you 2 hours to do these errands when it should only take like 45 minutes at most). It doesn’t change the fact that you two text each other in all hours of the night and try to hide it by pretending you are sleeping under the covers. It doesn’t change the fact that you will be talking to this guy and as soon as I come in you will hang up or pretend you were doing something else. It doesn’t change the fact that every time I have asked you for a lunch date you turn me down only to go out with OM. When you love someone, you don’t do these types of behavior. He is playing the role of a husband and that is not his place. Wife, deep down I believe you want to make our marriage work and so do I. I love you so much and I am sorry for everything that I’ve done that drove you to seek this guy over me. I made a lot of mistakes. I was wrong about so many things and did not treat you like the princess you are. I want to save our marriage. I know that I have made my mistakes and I am sorry for not being the husband I should have been. I was wrong. You too were wrong for allowing this relationship with OM to get this far. I want us to be one, to be husband and wife. I believe you when you say there was no physical affair but this is an affair nonetheless. Friends don’t tell each other I love you and try to hide their activities from their spouses. There should be no secrets in a marriage and I have given you access to all my stuff. I want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage but obviously the relationship with OM is a deal breaker. You can’t pour your soul out to another person and expect the marriage to be fine. You can’t expect OM to meet your emotional needs and have a successful marriage. I understand you don’t trust me. But if we are going to make this work, we are going to both have to take a risks and fight for our marriage. I am willing to try, to make an effort. Tomorrow is anniversary and my feelings for you have not changed in spite of your dealings with OM. I love you and I want you to be my wife"

I think I just killed my marriage. I am going to IC in just a few minutes but I am not looking forward to going home. I feel awful and know that I will pay heavily for this mistake. I don't see hope but I'm holding on by a very thin string now. Help!!!

[MrBond]

Don't falter! You can do this. Stand strong because right now she will make you feel like cr@p. To be honest, I would have done the same thing. However, you need to be cold and calculated right now. You made yourself look like the crazy spouse, but don't let them make you into that.

You stood up for your family. You should be proud of it.

[lovethehub]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I can only imagine that many would have done the same thing when they saw that. I also don't think the text you sent was bad because you had to do something. You were fair and accepted your responsibility but didn't accept 100% of it. She may choose OM now, however, reading your posts she does seem very confused and it does not seem as if she is 100% focused on being with OM.

That is what I needed to hear. My wife actually told me about two months ago that remarrying me was the biggest mistake of her life. I know she was disappointment and felt abandon these last 6-7 months when I went back to school. That is not even including the mental abuse I gave her on top of that.

It has most likely been longer than 6-7 months that she has felt abandoned or she would be understanding and realize it was just because of school.

My wife is on a roller coaster ride. She sometimes will be inviting and other times she will flat out tell me to get off her bed. It's hard to tell if I should make a move or back off - so I tend to err on the side of caution. I so much want to go all out and shower her with love and attention but she is not always receptive so it makes it hard for me.

Yes, she is on a roller coaster ride. LBS's tend to think that the WAS is having the time of their life because they are having an A. What I found was, when I was with OM I felt happy,alive, better than I had in years. When I wasn't with him, I felt confused, sad, stressed out, not sure what to do. I wouldn't call any of the time during my A 'carefree'.

The last 5 months have been miserable and filled with sadness, pain, grief. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I salute all the people who have fought for their marriages for months and years in spite of the circumstances and pain. My heart is so shattered and my self-esteem is so down the toilet right now. I am literally faking it till I make it. Being in the same house as my wife is sometimes hard as I never really know what mood she is going to be in and it is really hard not being close and connected with her.

Can you accept that your W most likely felt the same way and for longer than 5 months? You said she wanted more of you,and you didn't give it, and you were mentally abusive. Did she know what mood you would be in? Did she feel close and connected to you?

This year has been the worse year ever. The tears, cries, pain and overall torture this emotional roller coaster has been is really beginning to take its toll on me. I don't want to live in this place forever or another six months. I want to move on with either a life with my wife or begin a new chapter if that is what will happen. I don't want to be limbo. I don't want to go home and not feel loved, not feel wanted, not feel like my wife doesn't give a rip about me. I want more than anything to be a family - to be one - to be united and intertwined in love. This is not how I envision my life to be. This is not want I want. Ahh...... I feel like this roller coaster is about to crash.

Yes, it is very painful and I am sorry you have to go through it. What you have to decide is if you are in it for the long haul. Even if W ends her A today, you still have a long way to go and it will not be easy, even if you both commit to repairing your M. There will be a lot of fears, trust issues, insecurity, etc for you and your W will need to believe that she can be happy with you again, that you will forgive her, that you aren't going to change back. It is a lot of work to restore a M after an A. It took H and I years to get back on the road and, although it feels more hopeful than ever, only time will tell. Are you prepared to deal with her emotions over OM? Over losing him (if she ends it)? To not be ready to jump right into everything if she does stay?

Don't falter! You can do this. Stand strong because right now she will make you feel like cr@p. To be honest, I would have done the same thing. However, you need to be cold and calculated right now. You made yourself look like the crazy spouse, but don't let them make you into that.

You stood up for your family. You should be proud of it.

Exactly