Right now I am dating a guy who shares my love language - physical touch. And it's SO nice! I realize I don't think I ever dated anyone before who shared this with me. We hold hands all the time, lots of touching and snuggling - and for once, I never have to feel like I'm annoying my partner!
Well PT is my LL and I ain't gettin' none, so just reading this is annoying me!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Me too Forever! Ellie that relationship sounds like heaven to me! My husband apparently tolerated physical touch for 38 years, but since BD2 in April, says he's tired of pretending and it wouldn't be faIr to the Tramp. No mention of what might be fair to me!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
ya know- this LL topic you guys are chatting about got me thnking yesterday - on way out the door.
it's true- we don't always express l in the same ways - BUT it got me thinking how much i feel like all of you about the mixed signals or un-acknowledged signals - BUT AGAIN -
FOR MANY MANY years - the LL may have differed- but always managed to make us both feel connected and loved)
THEN - allllllll OF A SUDDEN (these f'ing computers & e-mails & cellphones & EASY access to "mystery & sex & lies & intrigue" - aka EXCITEMENT comes along and KA BAM - NOW thre's the disconnect (partly, but less so the L L) - - -
then i got thinking about this whole "thing" in life of what people are looking for in r's. It always come bAck to this - - - boredom rears it's ugly head - - IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO FIND - YOU DO. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BAD TO FIND- YOU DO.
it takes the power out of the hands of the "blind" partner. you can use the right expressions til the cows come home - it won't matter - if the dissatisfied person (mlc?) is looking for "REASONS to criticize" they fnd it. +
it is how i feel last bunch of years.
anyway tho- i use words- maybe h uses things he does for me- he moved alllllll my computer contents to a new pc because mine was slowly dying other day(i did hook up new one because old one croaked - so yay) - he mows the lawn & hooked a computer to downstairs tv so i can find wierd british shows - he buys stuff -
i feel like he's trying to "buy me off" because he's a "bad" guy now. idk- (is it "love" and he can't identify it? sometimes i think so - why would ya even care to buy off someone you despise???) i find it offensive - and yet i'm here and i take it because of my own life/lifestyle & mother's needs - emotional quandry (& financial insecurity).
so even if we all inspect & agonize over our LL - does it matter (much?) idk
sure makes one tired huh? as usual - TRUST THE PROCESS (I HOPE) it tells us it's out of our hands- we didn't break them- we can't fix them.
oh well- i'm outta here- havea wonderful day- try not to worry too much linda- time will help that a bit- even me, with h and ow rite now- i'm not "as bad" with it asi used to be- soooo on some sick level- i'm more detached -
it comes - whether we're "doing the rite things" or not...
I think understanding the love language of others is an important part of a relationship, but let's not lose sight of the fact here that most of us were in a fully committed relationship, whether married or not, and then our SO decided that maybe things were better elsewhere.
Do any of us seriously believe that this is simply a matter of our getting the LL wrong? These people are freaking nuts, dancing with pixies, and not in their right minds.
My friend...[my hands are on your shoulders...looking into your eyes]...dust off that crap and get back up on your feet. Remember you have that delicious fish and chips waiting for you!!!!
In my view, it is good to have some self-awareness about your own LL and H's LL so you can adjust accordingly during DBing. Like Bets said, monitor and take note of things that do WORK. Sometimes some certain things work at certain times and other times the very same thing does not work. It is all due to timing and circumstances. For instance, if H is crabby...you wouldn't try to touch him.
Now back to the good ol' Great Britain stuff...how's that going for you so far?
I second all the folks here who are advising you to focus on the good that's happening in your life and leave the rest of the navel gazing alone. If you live too much in your head, you're going to explode!
Quote:
Thursday one of my co-workers kindly (and I mean kindly, I am not saying that facetiously) took the time to explain to me how ridiculous and crazy I seem to all of them to keep standing after four years. frown Then today another co-worker used the same term, ridiculous. My actions seem ridiculous to them. That is SO hurtful.
As someone who waited 2 years to get out of limbo, I want to ask you to put on another set of glasses and see your sitch through their eyes. Their eyes, meaning these people are probably folks you consider friends enough to share your personal stuff with?
I learned this one as well, so know I'm not just saying this stuff because I like to talk...
But your friends HATE seeing you in pain. THEY see you as stuck and wishing that things were different. Would they be right? Friends don't like seeing you unhappy.
That being said, If after 4 years you are crying the same story to them, and you don't want their input anymore, it's up to YOU to stop repeating yourself and being unhappy around them.
I'm sorry if this feels like a 2x4 - I really don't mean that to be, okay? I'm just asking for you to see their perspective.
I am completely supportive of your decision to give it as much as chance as you can. But you can't blame friends for seeing your life the way they do. It may be tough love to accept their position as valid, and I understand that. But try to be fair to them? As you indicated, your co-worker was kind to you. You just didn't like her observation?
Since your MIL shared the same POV, how are you going to handle this? I'm saying this seriously and with kindness. I don't think you owe anyone any explanation, but apparently they feel they know and like/love you enough to be honest with *their* feelings and speak directly TO you instead of behind your back. Do you have a game plan on addressing them?
If it makes you feel better, when I was 2 years into my own separation, I had some close friends say the same thing to me. It *was* tough. Fortunately, my XH decided 2 years was long enough to keep me and the girls in limbo.
Just remember you always, always have choices. Choices not to share with other people who don't have your back 100%. Choices to come up with new game plans. Choices to stay the course and tell everyone why you've made your choice, and the choice to kick your H to the curb.
And one last reminder: just because other people are uncomfortable with your choices doesn't mean you have to be uncomfortable with YOURS. But it's up to you to tell them that unless you ask for their advice, to please not dispense it?
Sorry, had to do this with my sister last year. My business was really suffering due to the fiscal cliff and the pending election. For some reason, big business was not making any purchases and I came as close to closing the doors as I've ever come. It was untimely and difficult - since 2008, businesses just weren't spending. With help, I rebranded my company and launched a new product line. I knew we had a winning game plan.
But in the meantime, I was having to borrow money from my parents to keep the doors open, had tapped into all the home equity available to me, and prayed like hell. It was then that my sister told me, "You've been backing a losing horse for years. Why don't you quit throwing good money after bad and do something else?"
Yeah, I was pissed. I had to tell her, "You know what? I *KNOW* I'm going to hit a home run and after the first of the year, this is going to happen. If you don't believe in me, that's fine. I'd just appreciate it if you can't support me to keep your opinion to yourself." My business partner (who knows her well too) told her in a more stern manner, "Your sis didn't ask for your opinion, and if you can't support her 100%, it would probably be wise if you'd keep your mouth shut. Because I helped her build this up for success."
Here I am a year later, and I've had the best year for sales in a really, really long time. She hasn't apologized, but she's told me that she was scared for me and was happy the outcome was happy.
Linda, my sister is one of my best friends. She always will be.
But she said what yours are feeling: They're scared for you. Scared that you'll put your life on hold and be accepting crumbs from a guy who doesn't deserve you. They may be right. But in the end, all decisions on how you choose to fight are 100% yours. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself if you feel this way.
If you don't, then you have other issues and they should probably be addressed. AFTER you come back from vacation. Don't you let this ruin your time!
Hope the double vision gets corrected soon. That sure sounds awful.
Big hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I MADE THE FB PLACE- SO, ARE YOU IN TOUCH - (OUTSIDE OF THS FORUM) WITH DAWN AND UR??? AM I SUPPOSE TOJUST BLAM THIS SUPER DUPER ULTRA SECRET NAME RITE HERE IN A POST?
I'M SOOOO NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON- ALL SECRET-IE AND SO FORTH. HATE IT.
ANYWAY THO- DID IT- AND TA DA- TELL ME WHAT NEXT-??
XXOO YOU-KNOW - WHO (SEE, I EVEN HATE TO USE A FAKE NAME- I'M SUCH A LOUSY SPY. AND- DEPRIVE ME OF SLEEP FOR EVEN ONE WHOLE NITE AND I'D SPILL MY GUTS ALLOVER TOWN...
