"o I feel like I don't have a place up there... each kid has a room and W has taken the "big room". There is also a porch attached to the big room - perhaps I could hang out there, though it gets dark by 9 here now."
The fact that you don't go up there is YOUR problem. YOU are stopping yourself. You've isolated yourself for so many years that you are now afraid to go around your own home.
"o I feel like I need a reason to be up there. I'd really just like to hang out though, and be with the family. Daughter is playing tiddly winks in big room just now, where W is working on school job stuff."
Why do you need a reason? You keep stopping yourself. YOU are YOUR OWN worst enemy. Just go and join your family.
"o I did try to go up once, in the middle of the night, but W told me that "we don't know each other that way any more", and so I went back down again."
That was a long time ago. And we all told you that the way you did it was wrong. You just don't suddenly show up. You have to slowly reintroduce yourself to your own family.
"o W is pretty, sexy, smart, fit, energetic, creative, international, was once loving. It is hard to find women like that."
BS there are tons of women like that. The problem is that you've emasculated yourself so much that she doesn't want you.
"o W had various dominant boyfriends before - the physically big football star, the stock broker with a Porsche, the drug dealer driving a fast car, etc. Now she has an engineer, working most of the time at home, alone, on abstract seeming computer stuff, and then gone to the States 30% of the time for work."
Seriously? You're going back to this again? What happened to the Luke who went to EE and was trying to get is bollocks back? You're going back to becoming the helpless spouse who has no self confidence. No one can get that for you but yourself.
"o she cited abandonment as one reason for her anger at me. Yes, I am gone 30% of the time, far away, but am then at home even for work, and so can cook, do logistics for the kids, run errands, shop, etc. I definitely do not have the usual commute to work job, gone from 7.30 to 6.30, here in Sweden(though I do when in the States)."
Why do you keep rehashing these things? You brought this up over a couple of years ago and you still bring it up. Stop living in the past and make things better for the future.
"o our house is very nice, with a beautiful garden, on a lake, in a good location. I am loath to probably have to leave it if we D.""
No you are AFRAID to leave. You've become the domesticated wife and she the dominant husband. YOU have to reverse that if you want to save your M. I don't know how many times I and others have told you that for a very long time.
Have you talked to Power of Now lately?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
