The girls weren’t up to anything. They were busy doing all kinds of stuff and didn’t feel like talking….that hurt me! Not that I don’t get them but I would just have loved to see and hear them.
My experience with children was to find them most anxious to talk when they came in from school. They want to share what happened throughout their day. Sometimes I had to prompt them by leading with questions that required more than a "yes" or "no" answer.
When you interrupt them out of something they are enjoying at that moment, they may not want to leave that action in order to have a conversation. That is just how little ones are.
That is a small example of the "timing" I mentioned. We don't always hit the right timing in things, but we can learn what wasn't the best time for certain activities, conversations, approaches of certain subject matters, etc. , and try to choose a better time for better results.
F, I feel somewhat responsible for your depression and confusion. For my own sainty, i can't take responsibility for anyone's R success or failures. I know there is always a risk when one is trying to advise another one, and the risk is greater when they are strangers......and even greater still, when there is a difference in language. Hence, my telling you to always ask questions to clarify anything you don't understand. And as far as I can tell, you were doing so.
You are correct, I was trying to get you to detach from the pattern of behaviors you were accustomed to doing in this R with your W. You were asking very detailed questions that would have taken weeks to answer all the scenarios of daily interactions. I should have gone more slowly instead of trying to give you a wider scope of the plan. As I told you before, I assumed you were getting the general idea of what i was trying to teach you about entering a new phase of action. Obviously, I was wrong.
Perhaps I threw too much at you at once, or maybe you were going off into all the "what if she says this or does that" sceneros that was too much to handle in written out conversations. You will always have a connection with this woman for the rest of your life. There is no way on earth any of us can give you a book of "rules" to use for every thing that is going to happen between the two of you till death parts you. Now, do see how "extreme" I sound? You may be thinking, "Sandi, come on now, I didn't mean I had to have a book of rules for every scenerio!". Well, that is how it sounds when you come back and say that I told you no more calls and do not enter W's house. You make it sound that you could NEVER, under any circumstances go beyond the doorway of her house. As if it had the plague! You said no calls meant just that.....no more calls . Really? You didn't know that I was giving a guide as how you are to handle getting away from her R hold? You don't know anything that would tell you instinctively that you needed to make an exception? F, it is a GUIDELINE, not the Bible. Life is too full of unexpected situations for you to be so rigid. There will be exceptions, this is a fact of life we all have to deal with. My mistake was assuming you knew.
I try to speak plainly b/c most LBH's want to use their kids as a crutch to keep contacting the WAW. He will cling to the excuse he had to check to seeif his kids were okay. So, when you told us that you and W trusted each other with the welfare of the children, I was relieved. I thought we would really get somewhere on this road, since you would not be the type to find excuses to keep from detaching from W. It also caused me to believe you would be one who knew the difference between what was an ecxuse (or crutch) from what was of true exception.
I have tried to give you guidelines for detaching. I have tried to give you guidelines in how to conduct yourself.... with the intent of having her to face losing you and the relationship it offered. The plan was that as result of your interactions (or lack thereof), she would see that she can't have it both ways. She can't enjoy family b/c she tore it apart. She can't enjoy hanging out with you and chit-chatting about her life b/c she left you. She would finally see that she lost of it due to her decision to leave you and break up the family. This was her choice. She hears that message in the lack of availability she sees in you. She hears that message in you lack of interest in her. She hears that message in the answers you give her when she asks why. She will know that this has all come about as a result of her decisions. This is what,she wanted? That question is what she will begin to doubt in herself. All b/c she sees what she has lost. That, the loss, is the result.
The intent is not for you to set about being her punisher. She will punish herself. Her guilt, the loss will punish her. Her seeing the result of her own decisions is what punishers her. Do you understand that point? She will see and hear that message loud and clear in everything.
The plan was so she would miss you and want to regain what she lost. You have made it so complicated for yourself, till you are further confused about what to do. I feel badly about it, but I don't know how to be much more clearer (but I will try to clarify any statements as best as I can). As with many LBH's, you want a visible line drawn, or scales to show how to balance things so not to get extreme. But you must rely on personal boundaries, common sense, and your own good judgement.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
