One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[T1000]

A friend of mine (with D7) asked if I wanted to take the kids on day trip on some trains and boats etc. Even offered to pay. We went and we all had a great day.
Hardly thought about W at all today. I did think how nice it would be to spend a day like today as a family. Weird thing was I started to think what it would be like if it was another woman not W. Just to try it on.

The day was just as hard as it would be normally. The only difference was W wasn't there for it to get to her or for her to deflect the negativity of her stress back onto me.
I'm not trying to have a dig at W after what has happened. Just thoughts I had today that's all.

Now I'm back home it's on my mind again. All sorts of sorts about her date and how it went. I try to clear them from my mind but it's hard.

Less than 3 weeks after MC and she was planning and getting excited about dating some guy. Her lack of effort really pi55es me right off!

[lovethehub]

T,

I wish I had some wise words of wisdom for you. I don't but I do understand why you feel the way you do.

Something for you to think about: if the Dr. determines she is bipolar (which I would insist on at least one other opinion before going on those meds), how does that change your path? If you can "justify" this behavior does that mean R would still be possible? Just want you to start thinking about it.

I honestly don't see it, I see a very immature, manipulative person but I only catch glimpses into your life.

[T1000]

T,

I wish I had some wise words of wisdom for you. I don't but I do understand why you feel the way you do.

Something for you to think about: if the Dr. determines she is bipolar (which I would insist on at least one other opinion before going on those meds), how does that change your path? If you can "justify" this behavior does that mean R would still be possible? Just want you to start thinking about it.

I honestly don't see it, I see a very immature, manipulative person but I only catch glimpses into your life.

If you mean justify her flip/flop decisions and not knowing which way she might lean from time to time then that is a maybe. Hard to so from where I am right now.
Lying to me and interest in other men...hell no!

[lovethehub]

Actually, I said that and then realized I was not any different. I would tell H it was over with OM and physicslly it was but emotionally it wasn't. I knew I didn't want to end our M but I was afraid to give up the happiness, freedom and fulfillment I had found so I told him what he wanted to hear and then did what I wanted. I wasn't trying to be mean or string him along; I knew deep inside I didn't want to lose him or end our M but I was also very, very co used and afraid of going back to that place I had been in for years. "One toe in" was probably a very accurate description for me for a long time, I just didn't admit it.

I am not excusing or justifying W's behavior. I just suddenly saw it from the POV I had after my A.

[T1000]

Actually, I said that and then realized I was not any different. I would tell H it was over with OM and physicslly it was but emotionally it wasn't. I knew I didn't want to end our M but I was afraid to give up the happiness, freedom and fulfillment I had found so I told him what he wanted to hear and then did what I wanted. I wasn't trying to be mean or string him along; I knew deep inside I didn't want to lose him or end our M but I was also very, very co used and afraid of going back to that place I had been in for years. "One toe in" was probably a very accurate description for me for a long time, I just didn't admit it.

I am not excusing or justifying W's behavior. I just suddenly saw it from the POV I had after my A.

Thanks for that LTH. So what do you suggest I do right now.

[labug]

I don't understand how it doesn't change my path. 6 weeks ago part of my path was me and W apart heading towards D. 4 weeks ago we were heading towards R. Now we're are not.

Your path should be you figuring the man you want to be and then working toward that, no matter what others are doing. That's where you get tripped up, you see this as a game with moves and strategies and countering. It isn't, it's life.

What has really changed for you? You still live apart from your W. You still see your kids part-time. You work at the same job. You have the same friends. The only thing that has changed is your feelings around what's going on. That's what derailed you.

I will think about S3's birthday. It's too raw right now and I think it will be then too. I'm not at the point where I even want to see her face let alone spend time with her.

Why?

I'm furious with how she has gone from MC, Retrouvaille, talking about us having more kids and making a go of it to changing her mind and not even telling me. It would be one thing to find it overwhelming but not tell me she was dating. I'm not having it.

I can empathise with emotions causing actions. I struggle to empathise with hers. It's not like it's even an anger thing. Over the last few weeks she has made decisions and not only failed to inform me but also tried to hide it and lied to me.
I deserve better.

Why do you struggle to empathize with hers actions?

How do you feel about giving way to your anger, hurt, fear to use S's birthday to punish her?

Until we can empathize with ourselves we can't empathize with others. Until we can forgive ourselves we can't forgive others.

Hang in there, T.

[T1000]

I don't understand how it doesn't change my path. 6 weeks ago part of my path was me and W apart heading towards D. 4 weeks ago we were heading towards R. Now we're are not.

Your path should be you figuring the man you want to be and then working toward that, no matter what others are doing. That's where you get tripped up, you see this as a game with moves and strategies and countering. It isn't, it's life.

You are right I do see it as a game with moves and strategies and countering. That sort of thinking is filling my head right now.

What has really changed for you? You still live apart from your W. You still see your kids part-time. You work at the same job. You have the same friends. The only thing that has changed is your feelings around what's going on. That's what derailed you.

I saw a future on the horizon with W and the kids as a family (yep expectations). That's been taken away along with the trust built up. It has derailed me more than I thought it would too. It feels like I'm starting again. Not only that there has never really been any trust issues before. Now I don't trust her, no matter how we go forward that makes it harder.

I will think about S3's birthday. It's too raw right now and I think it will be then too. I'm not at the point where I even want to see her face let alone spend time with her.

Why?

Because she deceived me when I was starting to trust her. I feel disappointed and disgusted by her actions

I'm furious with how she has gone from MC, Retrouvaille, talking about us having more kids and making a go of it to changing her mind and not even telling me. It would be one thing to find it overwhelming but not tell me she was dating. I'm not having it.

I can empathise with emotions causing actions. I struggle to empathise with hers. It's not like it's even an anger thing. Over the last few weeks she has made decisions and not only failed to inform me but also tried to hide it and lied to me.
I deserve better.

Why do you struggle to empathize with hers actions?

It's the whole randomness of it all. I was looking over some of my old threads before just trying get inspiration from myself 6 weeks ago. What she said and did weeks 4-6 are totally contradictory to weeks 3-1. It's entirely up to her what she does but I don't think I will ever understand it.

How do you feel about giving way to your anger, hurt, fear to use S's birthday to punish her?

Worse than i did when I said it. I'm currently thinking of going in the morning. I'm not sure how I can deal with it though. I don't want to see her and S3 being autistic it's not 3 people it's more like 2 people and baby. Lots of time for talk that either won't happen or I don't want it too. I'm not saying I can't but 3-4 hours+ of small talk with W won't be easy.

Until we can empathize with ourselves we can't empathize with others. Until we can forgive ourselves we can't forgive others.

I find that a strange one. What sort of person doesn't empathize with themselves?

Hang in there, T.

I'm trying.

[T1000]

I'm just talking specifically about the interaction between W and I.

S3 does take in more than any child I know. He has the intelligence of a 7-8 year old.
He will be taking it all in but it's not like having a third person there.
He could go all morning and only say what he wants to eat.

[labug]

Because she deceived me when I was starting to trust her. I feel disappointed and disgusted by her actions

How you feel abut it is understandable but it's all on you. Remember back when I was reminded of 2 kids fighting in the back seat of a car, He hit me, No I didn't, she hit me first? You're still both there. One of you can be the adult both of you can be the adult or you can stay in the current pattern.

If you think either you or your W are going to snap out of patterns and behaviors of a lifetime, those again are unrealistic expectations. This is going to take a lot of time and patience and it still might not work the way you want it to.

Tell me you definition of empathy. Why do you think you have empathy for yourself?

[T1000]

Empathy is understanding someone else's feelings. I always know why I'm feeling upset etc.