Thanks LTH and T1000 for the responses. Thursday while we were having dinner I did suggest that friend come to our town and they could take the kids to dinner here then bring them to our place and I would watch them so they could go out. She didn't want to do that since she would already be on that side of town for horse show. We talked Saturday morning when she returned. It went very well and kept my cool and didn't get upset at all. I told her why I was disappointed and she completely understood. She had every intention of being home by midnight, but the birthday situation through that off course. I told her I didn't want to look like the bad guy to her friend and I just wish she would have told friend I need to go home. W said the reason friend called was becuase friend brought up staying out and she told friend no way I would be comfortable with that right now. I explained to wife when friend said something about staying out is when she should have said I would like to, but at where we are in out marriage it is more important to be home tonight. I did wake up to a text that wife sent at 130 am, "we are back at friends. I will be home ASAP in the morning. Love you" Hadn't heard those words in over a year
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Calling AS!! Need some advice. W broke down in counseling about something today that I said. Told counselor this is what she was talking about in her "one on one" session. Said that I am such a good salesman and will just say what is needed at the moment. She says, I'll say one thing in the heat of the moment and then another when discussed later. Because of this she feels like she can't come to me with emotional issues sometimes. How do I do better at validating concerns? I am genuinely concerned about whatever is bothering her and want to be there for her, but because of past behavior on my part she is having a hard time trusting that yet
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I think you should validate her concern and tell her you will work really hard at learning not to that and to ask her to call you on it then and there if it happens. We are all human and you will never be perfect. The best you can do is listen to what upsets her and try your best to improve.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Thanks LTH. Based on what you said that's what I went and did. I told W I was sorry for coming across that way and I can understand why she would have those concerns. And to let please point out to me when she notices it because I want to be the person she leans on
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Calling AS!! Need some advice. W broke down in counseling about something today that I said. Told counselor this is what she was talking about in her "one on one" session. Said that I am such a good salesman and will just say what is needed at the moment.
I'm flattered that you thought of me on this subject I do like lovethehub's response to you. Just keep in mind what validating is and, maybe more importantly, is not. It is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ arguing/ justifying. It is simply acknowledging. So in response to the above bolded part, you might reply "that sounds frustrating, is that how it makes you feel?" The goal is to get her to tell you her feelings. Your question about her being frustrated is not meant to lead her, it's meant to get her to talk about her feelings whether it's that or something else. So she might respond "no I'm not frustrated, but it makes me very angry." Your validating response would be something like "I can tell you're angry, and I understand why you feel that way. I don't want you to be angry, so let's talk about what I can do better in the future." In RetroV they teach you to explore the magnitude of feelings too, so if she says she's angry you would go on to talk about how angry it makes her feel by relating it to a scale of 1-10 or maybe a previous similar event (IE, does it make you as angry as when I yelled at you for wrecking the car? Something like that).
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She says, I'll say one thing in the heat of the moment and then another when discussed later.
The validating takes care of how she feels right now, but it's important to take her comment seriously and really look at yourself and evaluate what you're doing in the "heat of the moment" versus later. I assume she doesn't like how you're responding in the heat of the moment, and then when you respond more appropriately later she feels it's dishonest. If that's the case, figure out how you can change things up in the heat of the moment. Refresh yourself on this by reading DR again, Michele offers some great advice on this. I really loved the example she used of the two older people deciding they would only fight in the nude. When they would start fighting they would start stripping, and by the time they were naked they would be laughing so hard they could no longer fight! That's awesome!
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Because of this she feels like she can't come to me with emotional issues sometimes. How do I do better at validating concerns?
By changing YOU. You can effect changes in her by changing yourself. Do something to change the dynamics of arguments. Diffuse the situation. I've done exactly that, I used to be a real hothead when people would push my buttons and now I'm not, I've learned to turn arguments into conversations. If I can do it anyone can!!
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I am genuinely concerned about whatever is bothering her and want to be there for her, but because of past behavior on my part she is having a hard time trusting that yet
Be patient. Work on the above, and give her time to come around. Good luck!
Thanks AS!! I need a refresher on the validating. I talked to my "wise man" the other day and told him some of the communication issues that are going on. He suggested that we still attend RetroV, even though things aren't in "crisis mode" because RetroV really teaches how to communicate in a non threatening way The one near us is full next month, but there is one in January
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Hey C, just stopping by to see how you are doing. Sounds like things are going well for the most part.
I know you have had some trouble with patience in the past. Can you think of some ways you can try to change how you react in the moment?
Count to 20, take a walk, sing a song, whatever. What you do isnt important. What is important is that you take a timeout before you speak or react to something that you know is a trigger for you.
It takes practice and work. I know how hard you are trying. You will get there, sweetie. You are doing great.
As far as valildating, a good friend of mine wrote this. I hope it helps.
There is a huge difference between being heard and being listened to. Simply repeating words back to a woman, does not mean that you listened to them.
It means that you simply understood the language that they were speaking.
Feeling the emotion, the subtleties in which it was meant, finding the value in their thoughts, validating their words, feeding the conversation with acknowledgement that you are present, and being available to "just be" for them. Asking them if they want your opinion afterward, or are they just looking to vent. Taking the time to appreciate that their feelings are worth YOUR time.
I do like lovethehub's response to you. Just keep in mind what validating is and, maybe more importantly, is not. It is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ arguing/ justifying. It is simply acknowledging. So in response to the above bolded part, you might reply "that sounds frustrating, is that how it makes you feel?" The goal is to get her to tell you her feelings. Your question about her being frustrated is not meant to lead her, it's meant to get her to talk about her feelings whether it's that or something else. So she might respond "no I'm not frustrated, but it makes me very angry." Your validating response would be something like "I can tell you're angry, and I understand why you feel that way. I don't want you to be angry, so let's talk about what I can do better in the future." In RetroV they teach you to explore the magnitude of feelings too, so if she says she's angry you would go on to talk about how angry it makes her feel by relating it to a scale of 1-10 or maybe a previous similar event (IE, does it make you as angry as when I yelled at you for wrecking the car? Something like that).