One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[T1000]

I don't understand how it doesn't change my path. 6 weeks ago part of my path was me and W apart heading towards D. 4 weeks ago we were heading towards R. Now we're are not.

Your path should be you figuring the man you want to be and then working toward that, no matter what others are doing. That's where you get tripped up, you see this as a game with moves and strategies and countering. It isn't, it's life.

You are right I do see it as a game with moves and strategies and countering. That sort of thinking is filling my head right now.

What has really changed for you? You still live apart from your W. You still see your kids part-time. You work at the same job. You have the same friends. The only thing that has changed is your feelings around what's going on. That's what derailed you.

I saw a future on the horizon with W and the kids as a family (yep expectations). That's been taken away along with the trust built up. It has derailed me more than I thought it would too. It feels like I'm starting again. Not only that there has never really been any trust issues before. Now I don't trust her, no matter how we go forward that makes it harder.

I will think about S3's birthday. It's too raw right now and I think it will be then too. I'm not at the point where I even want to see her face let alone spend time with her.

Why?

Because she deceived me when I was starting to trust her. I feel disappointed and disgusted by her actions

I'm furious with how she has gone from MC, Retrouvaille, talking about us having more kids and making a go of it to changing her mind and not even telling me. It would be one thing to find it overwhelming but not tell me she was dating. I'm not having it.

I can empathise with emotions causing actions. I struggle to empathise with hers. It's not like it's even an anger thing. Over the last few weeks she has made decisions and not only failed to inform me but also tried to hide it and lied to me.
I deserve better.

Why do you struggle to empathize with hers actions?

It's the whole randomness of it all. I was looking over some of my old threads before just trying get inspiration from myself 6 weeks ago. What she said and did weeks 4-6 are totally contradictory to weeks 3-1. It's entirely up to her what she does but I don't think I will ever understand it.

How do you feel about giving way to your anger, hurt, fear to use S's birthday to punish her?

Worse than i did when I said it. I'm currently thinking of going in the morning. I'm not sure how I can deal with it though. I don't want to see her and S3 being autistic it's not 3 people it's more like 2 people and baby. Lots of time for talk that either won't happen or I don't want it too. I'm not saying I can't but 3-4 hours+ of small talk with W won't be easy.

Until we can empathize with ourselves we can't empathize with others. Until we can forgive ourselves we can't forgive others.

I find that a strange one. What sort of person doesn't empathize with themselves?

Hang in there, T.

I'm trying.