NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

HWA, Sandi, T & LTH

Thanks for all your advice and caring! I needed some time for me and that’s why I haven’t answered.
I need time to process all of this and writing about it in here doesn’t seem to get me any closer! I read and understand all your words but converting them into real life is hard on me! I want to do well and I fear making mistakes so much that it will drive me towards insanity if I don’t get hold of me!

I have been feeling good since starting LRT but today I am home alone and my brain is going in all directions. I feel sad, then I feel good, I feel hopeless and 2 min. later I believe she will come back. My feelings are all over me and I guess that’s why I am looking for rules. I want something firm to hold on to during this and I have been searching desperately for this in here, with coach, in books, at shrink and everywhere.
I need to realize that firm doesn’t exits and that I will have to go with my own beliefs adjusted towards the advice of friendly neighbor. I need to understand this concept fully and from thereon trust my feelings and my beliefs.

T, I believe to some extend that you might be right about me being black/white and that this is also one of the reason for me finding myself here. I want to do the things, that gives me the best odds for R in the future and as I see it, this means going with Sandis, LTHs and your advice. I try to follow the advice strictly as a new set of rules but I guess I am realizing now it is not rules and when Sandi tell me not to go into Ws house she is really saying “Don’t go into W house if not for children’s sake. When I am told “Not to help W with a light bulb” It means “Don’t help W with a light bulb unless you would have done the same for a complete stranger”
That’s what I have to measure my future actions against as I see it now! So rules goes to the dumpster and in comes these principles that have to sink in and become a part of me!

I need to work through this my own way but based on the advice (that I now see as guidelines) given to me.

Don't make a call to her so you can chit-chat. But something may require you to have to call. Do you tell yourself you can't just b/c Sandi said no calls?

Yes, I did! When you say no calls and let her calls go to VM then I don’t call and I get a VM! To me don’t is don’t! Black and white! You do or do not! So reading your post once again I still read the same “don’t call” but I now get that while these were the words, the intention of them was another – It was to make me pull back! But when you initially told me what to do I told you that I would follow through! When I state a thing like that I do my best to make it happen!
That’s why I have been confused: Advice is to do or not to do but the guidelines (friendly neighbor) is otherwise. The guidelines and these hard suggestions didn’t match up in my head. I will from hereon go with the guidelines and then if needed make rules on my own to keep me on the path.

But when you know the main purpose, the goal, your boundaries, and apply your good judgement (or common sense) to the situation at hand.....then you won't appear to be so ridgid.
T can tell you, F, learning how to balance and learning good timing is everything!

Although I am not sure how to understand the balance and good timing – this is what I will do!

I want to be happy, I want my family back and I won’t take any abuse.
I want to be the best farther and a nice and pleasant human being.


Now, about the blaming part:
I don’t believe Sandi told me to put the blame on W anymore – I believe I misread, misinterpreted or something her words and that were why I kept on asking about it - without doing it! I do blame W (internally) for the way she made this happen – that I am guilty off but I also blame myself. At first I felt all the responsibility for BD was mine but I was advised to adjust this and so I have.
I see why she did it, I see my own stupid actions, I see a lot, but as many LBH I do not see the reasonable part of BD without talking first. I know she properly feels that we have talked, that she have tried and so on but that is her POV and not mine. I believe LTH, Labug, Adinva and more 2x4 me months ago about this taking responsibility in front of the children. You all did well and managed to get a new POV through my thick and sometimes unreasonable skull. This still sticks with me!
I don’t feel anger towards W, I don’t feel she is entirely responsible, I feel this is 50%++ my fault. I would like for her to take her part, but that’s up to her and not to me! Sometimes I just feel like grabbing her and giving her a good shake to wake her up, but I understand that this can’t be done. I feel like reasoning with her, talking with her and so on but also know from advice and costly experience that this won’t get me anywhere.
I have thought about the words of LTH and still am – could I just be kidding myself and subconsciously feel otherwise??? I simply don’t know!

LTH, I hope you understand me! Thanks for the 2x4 about responsibility! I do not agree fully but I know what you mean and simply knowing that demands for me to get into this one level deeper.


I still don’t get the difference between pointing things at her decision and blaming! This could be due to my foreign interpretation of the words, me seeing black/white or simply because I don’t get it…but I do feel responsible!

When I saw your examples of how you could answer some of her questions, that is when it hit me that you thought I was instructing you in how to talk to her hatefully. That would be hurting yourself. Instead, you want to say things and do things for her to get this message that this is the results of your decision to break up the family.

A sentence like this confused me and still does!
I wouldn’t use the word hatefully but you are right! I thought you told me to put the blame on her and I didn’t get it – that’s another reason for confusion.
I get that you want me to be nice but also to let her know that all of this is a result of her decision. Last part will be hard so I have turned it around. These sentences that I have written have to go! Instead I am working on a list of words not to use. Responsibility, fault and guilt are good examples – these has to go if W ever addresses this friendship matter again.


This is solid advice:

One more thing, then I have to stop tonight. If she comes to your house and asks if she can go in, my advice is to say, "sure". The reason is b/c your house was where she,shared part of her life with you. When she steps in that house, she has memories of those times. Hopefully, they will trigger positive emotions in her heart.

This is action-oriented, it is explained so I know the why and it follows the friendly neighbor.

F, you are doing great, but I would think sandi is going to come back and tell you, you are putting too much thought into everything. Relax, we don't always say the right things at the right times. Just remember to change your focus: you are co-parenting, not friends.

HWA – I don’t feel I am doing great at the moment but I will try to let your words convince me otherwise! And you are so right in stating that I should relax and simply just co-parent – I am having the hardest time relaxing and only co-parenting!


Thanks!

F