thinking about you and your eye and the "friends at work" and all of this- hang on man-
foreveryoung is rite- 30+ yrs is a mighty lot of years. i can't say if my h would have stood by me if i went bonkeroo - idk about your h either- but the whole "standing" thing is about WHO WE ARE - NOT THEM - RITE???
i get a bit pissy inside when someone really blams h - i hate alot about him- BUT i know about the good stuff too - like you- they seem to forget that. it's so personal isn't it???
(they start it (mlc) - we finish it)
this is about us following our guts- doing what we feel is right for us - til we become aware of a different road we want to take- and so on...
i fight with this notion of whether or not i must change my intrinsic self in response to the mlc demands - the input of others - the db spiel- and in fact i find myself sometimes questioning who the heck i've become... it's hard to keep it all clear amidst allllll the (really) negative input we're getting in life.
or so it feels to me- i'm particularly sensitive to criticism- don't like it and don't take it very well in the sense that i usually don't think i deserve it.
i've got a notion we're the easy guys for people to "go for" becasue maybe we don't fight back in a huge and scary way- we're more likely to back off from conflict, etc.
i'm not perfect nor are you (maybe) - but i have a notion we're just alot less conflict oriented - and to the world (and particularly my mother) that makes us seem "wishy washy" or weak (their mistake here i think) .
my view- it's hard as hell to go about in life getting along with everyone- deciding to stand, etc. perhaps you, like me, think you've got this rod of iron inside that can withstand quite alot - but you don't have a need to showcase it on a daily basis and have some "image" for everyone. i honestly think who i am is enough to be. even my most wellmeaning supporters want to give me alot of advice- i just don't need any thanks...
of course- i may be a stubborn jerk doing what i feel i must and should stop and listen- oh well- who can know & be perfect all the time? or even most of the time-
all you need to know is who linda is inside- like her and admire her strength that you know is there.
the standing is the hard part - anyone can give in to anger and blow up-
(as i deal with my volatile sister- i realize just blowing a cork every time someone gets in your way is no way to go thru life)
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER- WE'LL GET THRU THIS- remember- IT'S JUST ONE DAY AT A TIME- JUST GET THRU TODAY, TRY AND SHOVE THE TRIP TO THE BACK OF YOUR MIND.
(my h felt compelled to tell me he was "driving north" yesterday- (at a hairy moment in hospital wrangling aroudn with surgeon & my stupid sister about a procedure (i needed to give permisson) (i hate responsibility for somene elses life,body,etc) - just nightmare overblown sitch ) so he's with ow as we speak- does it make me want him to just die and leave me alone - well, yes - is it a petty and ratty sentiment? yes - oh well huh??? i do not know "how" we do it- we just do.
one day it will be resolved- of that i am sure... one day you and i will have this all behind us- one way or the other- i don't know when- WHEN WE'RE READY to decide to do something else- until that time no choice but one foot before the other- it stinks, we can do it tho...
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR LIFE IS incredibly busy with work(s) and so on- everything is going to happen whether we like it or not- whether we suffer for or over it or not- whether we want it to or not- one little hour at a time it's unfolding before us-
so, forgot where i was going-
you can do it- nobody probably REALLY understands where you're cming from- i kind of do. somehow that 38 years is a powerful "tie" -
hope your day is better or not so bad or even GOOD! if i could get this hospital thing over and this infection thing over and actually focus and think- it'll be fun to meet up-
