Me- LBS or WAS?

[tori2012]

GTO, lots of advice for you.

I thought about this and agree with AS. Joe moved in after I found out about his EA/PA, but he said he wasn't committed to the M. He said that in the back of his mind, he still wanted to know what was "out there." So I lived through hell, DB'ing while he grieved the loss of the OW. I remember waking and saying every day that I couldn't go on because it was too painful.

I think that if I had just let him be and did more GALing and had not pressed for him to make up his mind, MAYBE some progress would've been made. But maybe not, bc he had continued contacting the OW via email and Skype during his time back at the house.

Bottom line: having him move in could be really painful. Good idea for you two to take it slowly and really connect as time goes by. BUT it's your call.

I read a really good book about coming back together after a separation. Find it on Amazon. It was really good, although I read it too late.
(((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))

[littleGTO]

Thanks again, ruby, FY, AS, bustin, and Tori,

A LOT going on with me. A LOT. I am in a very weird place, myself.

Went out w friends last night & hung out w cute young friend of theirs....felt weird and wrong. Okay, we kissed, but it was a mistake. I had way too much to drink and was he was feeding me compliments and....no excuses, it was a BIG mistake. Now, I feel very regretful.

H came to house & spent 7 hours here. We did yard work together and he kept asking how I was and how I felt to have him there doing yard work. I said, "Normally weird." When he left this evening he said, "I don't like being alone and he gave me a full, bend-down to my level, giant hug.

It felt foreign but good. But I know he is "alone" because of decisions he did NOT make- OW broke up with him. He is grieving. It [censored].

After he left (& I was glad he did- felt like I could breathe again) my S11 and I went to take toys & books to cute D'ed guy's house (lives close by). S11 played with his S3 and cute guy made us all popcorn.

When I got back home (an hour later) we texted for awhile-flirtatious & fun.

So, friends, you can give me all the 2x4s you want but what I really need is some thoughts about WHY I am where I am and what the heck am I thinking and doing??? I actually was afraid to tell you all what is happening with me, but if I can't be open and honest here, then why am I here?

STEP BACK.....yeah, that's what I need to do now. Just sit for a while... breathe.

[AnotherStander]

Went out w friends last night & hung out w cute young friend of theirs....felt weird and wrong. Okay, we kissed, but it was a mistake. I had way too much to drink and was he was feeding me compliments and....no excuses, it was a BIG mistake. Now, I feel very regretful.

Less booze next time Booze can really cloud your judgment, especially when you're in emotional turmoil (and I sense that you are). Don't beat yourself up, just learn from it.

So, friends, you can give me all the 2x4s you want but what I really need is some thoughts about WHY I am where I am and what the heck am I thinking and doing???

Well all I can do is base that on what you've posted recently, and based on what you've posted it sounds to me like you still have very strong feelings towards your H although you seem to be trying to deny it (to yourself). I think you want him to snap out of it and dive back into the M so you can decide whether you want him or a new life, but you're frustrated because he's not where you want him to be. So what do I think you should do?

STEP BACK.....yeah, that's what I need to do now. Just sit for a while... breathe.

THIS! Stay away from H, stay away from cute D'd guy, and really do some soul-searching. Decide if you want to stand (IE, give your H more time to get his shitaki together) or if you're done with him. Every time you post something about him I think the same thing- he's very close to coming out of the fog. If you decide to stand you have GOT to be patient, it's still a marathon with many miles to go.

[littleGTO]

Okay, thanks AS, I really, really appreciate your thoughts...I think you are DEAD ON TARGET.

I do have feelings for H... I just don't know what they are anymore. We have so much history together, so I think I will always have unconditional love for him. BUT, I don't think I am in love with him in the same way at all--not be a long-shot.

New job starts Monday, so I've got to get my head wrapped around that, which is probably a VERY GOOD thing for me right now. I could use a break from all this drama. I doubt I will see H as much (except maybe tomorrow) since he will probably just come to the house after the boys get home from school (like last year) and then leave when or just before I get home.

I think I need the space from him.

I think I nailed the title to my thread just about right...not sure but I just might be the WAS now, or at least not the "waiting around to see what happens" spouse.

Others thoughts for me???

[LBH_LC]

Yeah, you definitely are sounding more like a WAS to me.

[labug]

Get to the root of your feelings. You're running from them and the OMs are the "drug" right now. When we don't want to face ourselves and our fears we look for distractions men, sex, booze, drugs, food, work...

When you allow yourself to go into the center of you, what do you feel? What are you afraid you'll uncover.

[LBH_LC]

I have to agree with labug, your relationships with this (these?) guy(s) doesn't sound healthy. I'm terribly lonely right now and would love some female company (preferably my wife), but I've told myself I'm not going to date until my divorce is final. Now, that's up to you, I guess people do date before it's final, but that's just my choice. But more importantly, I know any relationship I get in right now would not be good for me or the other person or have any prospects for longterm health.

I bet it feels good to have the interest, especially when your H isn't being the H you would like him to be, but I honestly think you're playing with fire here.

I hope I'm not offending you, you said you're welcoming clue-by-fours. I'm just giving you my take on it, not the canonical truth.

[ForeverYoung]

Wouldn't this be a lot easier if we had that crystal ball telling us how everything would play out?

I'd sit back and just watch H for a while. And cut off all the flirting with OM. (flirting with men has never been my thing anyway)

These flirty relationships only cloud your judgement of H's progress, if there is any, and are likely to develop into EA/PA that will eventually crash and burn just like H's A did.

I didn't say this would be easy, and you will go into a mini withdrawal when you do this. The longer you carry on a flirty relationship (or EA/PA) with OM, the worse the withdrawal/grieving will be. Again, look at H. Do you want to be broken like that? I wouldn't.

Time is on your side here TG. You've come so far and worked so hard on yourself to get to where you are, and like Tori pointed out, this may be your big chance to renew your M with H. It will still take plenty of time though... H has a long way to go.

I might swing a 2x4 or two, but I certainly don't want you to feel bad about anything you've done. You've been spectacular through all this, and are only human. Bust On!

[littleGTO]

FY- I don't know why, but your thoughts and opinions mean so much to me! I feel like I'm losing face here. Like I said, I was embarrassed to post that I've kissed not one, but two guys!

The drunken kiss was a mistake and I wish I could take it back.

The one that concerns me is the cute D'ed guy I am liking & want to see again and again. Yet, we have only hung out a few times & he shows far less interest in me (doesn't initiate texts except late at night & has been drinking, no direct compliments as of yet, made it clear he is not interested in a R right now)... yet, he is also becoming a good friend. Someone to talk to/someone who has been through what I have been through (D'ed...W left him).

Anyway new job starts tomorrow...changing my focus now. Need to give distance & because of circumstances will be easier now.

leftcoast-- I didn't think I would start dating before a divorce either--we'll see. I didn't think I would kiss another guy--too late. I don't intend to have sex with another man--still don't. Things get all twisted on this journey sometimes.

labug- what am I really afraid of? I think I'm afraid I still love H ( a lot) and in order to rise to the next level of detachment I am purposely engaging in other R's to protect myself from the continued hurt he is causing.

To watch your H grieve the loss of OW is sickening. I hurt for him, yet the reasons for his hurting are enough to make me want to kick him to the curb.

I AM NOT PLAN B, and yet is that what I am waiting for?? To see if H will eventually come around, through this hurt, to MAYBE want to R on the other end of this? And, should I continue to want him? And, should I NOT be continuing to GAL and meeting new people and forming new friendships?

Everything logical in me screams I am done, yet my emotional side keeps battling me on so many levels. I love H. I don't love H. I like cute D'ed guy. I don't see any real R with cute D'ed guy.
I won't be Plan B! Maybe I WILL be Plan B, even though I never thought I would settle for this. Maybe I will stand and stop seeing cute D'ed guy. Maybe I will continue to stand but see cute D'ed guy with boundaries. I just don't know.

I have so much to think about, but need to take a break for my new job.......!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Hi gto .. I just read this entire thread but not your earlier posts. I have some conflicting thoughts on dating others during separation. Since my w and I separated I have dated quite a bit and I still am. If w and I do reconcile I am not sure what long term effects the dating will have. I can see it adding extra conflict to have to get beyond if a new relationship with w will work. I can also see it help me get beyond the fact that my w has had an OM. I have been all over the Internet reading stories of people trying to get back together with an ex and it seems that those who have a chance to reconcile usually have moved on to the point where they are seeing other people. So it appears to help in the short run, although I could see that it could possibly do more harm than good in the long run. Who knows.