Been with this woman for 10 years, married for the past four. She has long felt like I don't give her enough love and affection, and two months ago said she wanted a divorce. She had contacted a lawyer and I talked her out of it. We were up and down for the next two weeks and I discovered there was an EA going on and flipped out on her, got angry.
We struggled for almost a month and she went from two weeks ago saying she would never divorce me to last week locking me out of the apartment (I was staying elsewhere while we worked on issues) and saying she wanted to think about a divorce. When she locked me out of the apt she told me she wanted me to stay gone and not talk to her or anything. I spent that night obsessively looking for her. The next morning she called me back and said that she wanted me to stay away.
She called me back a few hours later to scream at me about how I had never treated her right, never loved her enough, and that she didn't want to have kids. I had just started reading DB 180 stuff and did not argue with her, or anything, but told her that I saw where she was coming from, etc. She then took some AD meds and calmed down, and asked me stuff like if we could still be friends after the D, and why I wanted to be with her, etc. She then asked me if I would sign D papers if she sent them to me. I said I didn't know. She also mentioned that she would get her own place and eventually maybe we could R and I could move back in with her, but for now she wouldn't want me to know where that would be.
So after that I stayed away from her and stopped contacting her family/friends to intercede. Today we met, and she told me it was over, and she screamed at me for a while about how I was emotionally abusive (I had sworn at her during earlier fights), and how she had finished moving her stuff out of the apartment and filed D papers and asked if I would sign them. She told me she had tried and tried and I never did anything to change and she can't trust me. She said she didn't want me following her or trying to talk about reconciling and she would only talk to me about the divorce proceedings. I told her ok to all of this, but that I wanted to think about things before signing paperwork, maybe have my own lawyer look it over. She kept screaming more and more and getting more and more angry that I asked her to stop yelling at me and asked if there was anything else she needed. I then left calmly while she was very visibly upset.
I am going to try to talk to a DB coach tomorrow. Any advice? Anyone see how this could turn around? Is it over? Is it better to just give her a quick divorce so she doesn't hate me more for fighting her?
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
For now just give her space to think. Start thinking about what you can do for your self as far as 180s and GAL activities. Read Sandi's rules and see which ones fit best to apply to your sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607 Keep posting (in one thread) and I am sure others will come along and help you sort though things
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thanks. The situation has changed a lot since the other thread so I guess I will just pick and use this one. For me I thought a 180 would be not following her around and trying to control her, and giving her space.
I feel she is too quick to act and is impulsive with things.
I don't know if this was right or not, but about five hours after we had that discussion today, I called her to tell her I saw she had cleared her stuff out of the apartment, and to say thanks for her respecting my space. She asked if that was it, and I said yes, and she 'goodbye' and hung up.
I called her back a few minutes later to apologize for having sworn at her earlier this week when we were arguing on the phone, and I told her that no matter what happened between us I wouldn't swear at her again.
She said thank you and then after another minute said it was getting late and she had to go. I said goodnight.
I think that might have been too much neediness on my part calling her back like that and calling her late at night. I don't know.
I don't know how the GAL would apply to me since I had a life, and my own friends, and a full-time job. I am enrolled in classes in addition to my job, and am wondering if I should stay in them or not. The pain is so raw right now I wonder how I can function.
As for the 180, she told me she feels like I don't show her enough love, so how do I do a 180 without appearing needy? Do I just continue to support her in divorcing me?
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I called her last night after we had the discussion in the parking lot and I apologized for swearing at her before and said it wouldn't happen again regardless of what happened between us.
Today I texted her to let her know I was moving my stuff out of our apartment (she has already moved out but holds the lease), and she texted me back asking if I wanted one of the cats. I said I thought they should be kept together since they like each other, and asked if I could borrow them maybe some time when this was all over (I thought she would like the silliness). She said yes and I didn't text her again.
I am trying to show her I am being cheerful and ok, and not controlling, and not obstructing her wish for a divorce.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Also I talked to our landlady who said she thought my W still loves me and that my W had told her only a few weeks ago how opposed she was to D. She says maybe we can make it work. The landlady suggested I maybe send my W flowers? I am guessing this isn't good for the 180 stuff and LC/NC. Still waiting for a DB coach to call me back.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
As an update, while moving my stuff out I talked to the landlady today at our old apartment who said my W called to vent to her. My W was really upset and apparently quite emotional with my landlady and told her I have 90 days to sign the papers for divorce, but maybe I could change before that.
My W told the landlady I was emotionally abusive (I swore at her during an argument which I already apologized for), and my W also told the landlady that I never took her anywhere to do anything, and that I took too long to pick her up from the hospital when she was sick recently (she called me at 5:30 a.m. and she at first told me she had another ride back from her parents but they wound up not showing so I picked her up 45 minutes later). My W said that her parents saw how upset my W was from the way I treated her and wanted her to D me.
The landlady said my W didn't feel loved by me and wanted more attention, etc. The landlady suggested I call my W and send flowers to her parents' house. I did send my wife a few text messages that were light and cheerful (a reference to our cats and I told her to have a nice day), following it with a question about a dresser, and she sent me back just "No to the dresser". I am trying not to bother her too much but at the same time if she is telling people I don't pay her much attention what am I supposed to do? Unless she is trying to play the victim to the landlady. A separate counselor I had told me my wife uses other people to try to manipulate me. My gut reaction is to call her out for telling the landlady that I am emotionally abusive and she is now also "afraid of me" because I drowned her cell phone in the sink when I found out about her EA.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I met with our former marriage counselor yesterday. She had been to him a few times on her own (well, with her mother), and only twice with me before declaring she never wanted to go again. I told him what happened and he said she wasn't making a rational decision and was treating this like high school (we're 28). He also told me that he had a more direct approach to telling people what was going on and what they needed to do to change, and that she had not wanted to change and instead had a habit of shifting blame, wanting to be the victim, and using lies and manipulation to get her way. He said things might turn around, but she would need a lot of help before we got together, and we shouldn't be friends if we weren't together. He said her relationship with her parents was unhealthy and that they could be part of the problem.
I talked to her a little Sunday night and after some texting she called me and seemed depressed and resigned that our differences were too great and that the straw that broke the camel's back was an argument we got into a little over a week ago. I listened and tried to validate, and when I tried to apologize for the argument she said she needed a break and said goodbye. I tried texting her to say I wish I could go back in time a week and do it over, and she texted me "stop". That was Sunday. It's now Tuesday and neither of us have contacted the other. I think she has the morning off today and she is going to probably go to the attorney to review the divorce paperwork and have it sent to me.
Her personality is that she has a lot of anxiety (she is taking Lorazepam for this and I heard the stuff worsens depression, which she has, making her think this is even more hopeless). She is really trying to rush this process as quickly as possible. Her personality is that she is really good at managing projects and very fast with getting things done. Part of this is her anxiety, and how unsettled she feels if she doesn't do something right away. I think she is going to divorce me as fast as possible, and as long as she is busy and moving she won't have to think about this. She has told me before she can't stand being alone, and I think if she ever gets off the meds and has to spend time by herself she is going to start possibly regretting this. Right now this probably feels like a novel experience and liberating to her. Will that feeling last?
She might also be still talking to the guy she had an EA with. No clue here.
At this point though I wouldn't want to take her back unless she could get help for her own problems, since I feel like we would just wind up back in this situation again fighting. Still, I set up an appointment with a DB coach today. Will update after that.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
As another update, I spoke with a DB coach today. I do have problems with anger and trying to control her life, and right now the only thing I can do is let her do this and let this process happen. She wants to divorce quickly and she would probably expect me to stall this out, so that's not what I am going to do. I am not going to give it the full 90 days to see if she changes her mind before I sign it. I will just sign and let her move it ahead on her terms.
I have also dismissed her feelings over the years in a number of areas.
In a way it was good to see where I messed up here.
I had previously told her I wouldn't want to be friends after this, but the DB coach told me I should. She isn't with anyone now and I think she broke it off with the guy she was having the EA with back in June/early July.
My only hope is that by being friends in the future maybe I can be the kind of man who draws her back.
Even if it never works out between us again, I need to change to be a better person anyway.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
The big thing he told me that stuck was that this marriage is over. My next marriage could be with her, and that is what we should work toward.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Her personality is that she has a lot of anxiety (she is taking Lorazepam for this and I heard the stuff worsens depression, which she has, making her think this is even more hopeless). She is really trying to rush this process as quickly as possible. Her personality is that she is really good at managing projects and very fast with getting things done. Part of this is her anxiety, and how unsettled she feels if she doesn't do something right away. I think she is going to divorce me as fast as possible, and as long as she is busy and moving she won't have to think about this. She has told me before she can't stand being alone, and I think if she ever gets off the meds and has to spend time by herself she is going to start possibly regretting this. Right now this probably feels like a novel experience and liberating to her. Will that feeling last?
Whew, lots of mind-reading and diagnosing. I've been at this over a year and I've read the sitches of people who have been at it much longer. Guys in particular are really bad about trying to diagnose our WAW's, because most of us are fixers at heart. Take it from me and others here- you have a 0% chance of figuring out why your W is doing what she's doing. You need to change your focus.
Have you read DR? I haven't seen you talk about your 180's or your GAL efforts. You're VERY focused on your W in this thread. Let's here some more about MagicJack- what are your passions? What are you doing to take your mind off your sitch?
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and right now the only thing I can do is let her do this and let this process happen.
Right, give her time and space. But there's more, while you're doing that you also need to work on YOU.
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I had previously told her I wouldn't want to be friends after this, but the DB coach told me I should.
Yes, some here refer to it as being like a friendly neighbor. No heavy discussions, keep everything light and fluffy. Be a friend without trying to push for something more. Pushing = pressure = bad.
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Even if it never works out between us again, I need to change to be a better person anyway.
