For those of you who have been holding on, working on yourself, and GAL, how do you deal with the loss of emotional and physical intimacy? It feels like I imagine drug withdrawal is for addicts. I am without intimacy for the first time in 13 years. Socializing with friends does not seem like it even comes close to meeting the same needs.
I know exactly what you mean. This is why DR pushes GAL so hard. When you reach out to old friends, make new friends, and do more with your kids you replace that missed intimacy with new connections.
As for sex, well, even when you're used to getting it regularly you can adjust to not having any. For me I just reminded myself that I would get back to that later, whether with W or someone else.
I understand the principle behind 180, but I wonder if people would volunteer some examples. Some habits do not seem to have a complete opposite, for other habits, the opposite would seem to be unkind.
For those of you who have been holding on, working on yourself, and GAL, how do you deal with the loss of emotional and physical intimacy? It feels like I imagine drug withdrawal is for addicts. I am without intimacy for the first time in 13 years. Socializing with friends does not seem like it even comes close to meeting the same needs.
I know exactly what you mean. This is why DR pushes GAL so hard. When you reach out to old friends, make new friends, and do more with your kids you replace that missed intimacy with new connections.
As for sex, well, even when you're used to getting it regularly you can adjust to not having any. For me I just reminded myself that I would get back to that later, whether with W or someone else.
Of course, sex is a big one, but I was even thinking innocent contact/affection or just the comfort of another person first thing in the morning or at the end of the day.
I keep hoping this gets easier, but it seems very difficult to believe. It has been a week since her declaration she won't be coming back. Our contact is almost non-existent. I woke up and began the day believing I would get through this. I keep telling myself not to believe what she says and its not over yet. However, I feel the same stress I did when this all began: my abdomen feels like I did a hundred crunches (which is not something I have actually done); without knowing it, I'm pacing around the house; I find it difficult to make a decision to do anything; and I'm still prone to unexpected bouts of crying. Severe thunderstorms did not make it any easier. I think the only evidence of my willpower is the fact that I did not initiate contact with her this week. On the other hand, a single email from her can get me through an entire day without the emotional roller-coaster.
I am sorry you find yourself here, along with the rest of us hurt souls.
Im sorry to jump in without too much time passing, but im struggling to keep this question to myself. It is really about the 'elephant',in the room. Have you checked to see if there is another man?
the script she has given you, in 99% of the cases, comes with another man. this would not be the end of the chance to reconcile, but would it be a deal breaker for you?
forget what she has spewed out to you in terms of your faults etc.. A WAW will blame you for world poverty. But what do YOU think is the problem in your marriage? What do YOU not like about yourself?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I am sorry you find yourself here, along with the rest of us hurt souls.
Im sorry to jump in without too much time passing, but im struggling to keep this question to myself. It is really about the 'elephant',in the room. Have you checked to see if there is another man?
the script she has given you, in 99% of the cases, comes with another man. this would not be the end of the chance to reconcile, but would it be a deal breaker for you?
forget what she has spewed out to you in terms of your faults etc.. A WAW will blame you for world poverty. But what do YOU think is the problem in your marriage? What do YOU not like about yourself?
I don't think BD or moving out were about another man. For the first couple of months, our contact was positive. Now, I don't know. We still have a shared checking account and wireless plan (I still pay the bill). I haven't seen anything suspicious. However, the day she moved out I ASKED her if we could agree to be faithful until we decided what we were going to do. She said that I was being controlling. Of course, I heard, "I'll date and sleep with whoever I want." My greatest anxiety is that she is seeing another man, but I can only get through the day believing otherwise. I know she is deeply depressed and more than a little angry. I don't think she is really in a good place to be seeing other people. For me, I think her dating another man would be point of no return.
Many WAW who are already seeing someone or have someone in mind, try to make it look like they are separating first THEN seeing someone. It is the only hope they have of that other man being accepted as a replacement for you. It legitimizes the relationship instead of it being an affair that wrecked the marriage. This may not be what is happening, but it usually is.
Depression and low self esteem or self confidence are a breeding ground for affairs. The person is unhappy and seeks out the comfort they need in someone elses arms.
Also, its not really dating as you put it. Its a self act commited by someone who is unhappy and puts their own needs ahead of their spouse and family. They through themselves recklessly into another relationship.
Anyway, if this turns out to be the case you will deal with it as it comes. Just wanted you to start thinking about it as a possibility so you are not stunned if you find out. And so you can avoid becoming angry or mad to the point where you make things worse...that is, IF you still would want her back. And you might very well be willing. Dont discount that position because you would be surprised the things you would be willing to look past. We all thought our wives would be out on the streets if they did such a thing, and here we are seeking help to win them back.
In the meantime, lets focus on YOU....
What do YOU enjoy doing with your time that you havent been able to do during your M?
What do YOU want from life?
What can YOU do for yourself to make yourself the best man and husband you can be?
by the way, if your wife tells you to stop reading those books because she is not coming back, SMILE and say 'i know. Im reading them so my next wife will have the perfect husband'. Let her wonder how that could be, and how someone else will reap the rewards of the growth you are undertaking as a result of the pain she is causing you.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
My opinion, 180s are things you can do differently when your WAS expects "more of the same" bad stuff. Do you complain a lot, point blame, act negative? Whine? I'm not saying you do, but if you do then those would be great examples of 180s, because when you learn to correct these negative attributes and act differently, she will be surprised, and eventually if she comes to believe in the new you, she might wonder if she was wrong in her conviction that it just can't work out between you two.
So that's what 180's are for.
It's not literally exact opposite, more like making surprising positive changes that are real and lasting.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Many WAW who are already seeing someone or have someone in mind, try to make it look like they are separating first THEN seeing someone. It is the only hope they have of that other man being accepted as a replacement for you. It legitimizes the relationship instead of it being an affair that wrecked the marriage. This may not be what is happening, but it usually is.
Depression and low self esteem or self confidence are a breeding ground for affairs. The person is unhappy and seeks out the comfort they need in someone elses arms.
Also, its not really dating as you put it. Its a self act commited by someone who is unhappy and puts their own needs ahead of their spouse and family. They through themselves recklessly into another relationship.
Anyway, if this turns out to be the case you will deal with it as it comes. Just wanted you to start thinking about it as a possibility so you are not stunned if you find out. And so you can avoid becoming angry or mad to the point where you make things worse...that is, IF you still would want her back. And you might very well be willing. Dont discount that position because you would be surprised the things you would be willing to look past. We all thought our wives would be out on the streets if they did such a thing, and here we are seeking help to win them back.
I understand what you are saying. I'm not sure if it matters, but she is going to therapy; she is still in contact with my mother; and she has not changed her status on FB. (If the day comes that changes, I really don't know how I will avoid falling apart.) She keeps asking friends, family, and my therapist if people can change. She keeps asking if anyone can guarantee those changes will last. (Of course, there are no guarantees in life.)
As for myself, I think I could forgive an EA, but I just don't think I have it within me to forgive a PA. I have been living in a SSM for the last few years and she constantly dismissed my attempts to talk about it. To run to someone else seems unusually cruel.
What do YOU enjoy doing with your time that you havent been able to do during your M?
What do YOU want from life?
What can YOU do for yourself to make yourself the best man and husband you can be?
by the way, if your wife tells you to stop reading those books because she is not coming back, SMILE and say 'i know. Im reading them so my next wife will have the perfect husband'. Let her wonder how that could be, and how someone else will reap the rewards of the growth you are undertaking as a result of the pain she is causing you.
I think focusing on myself is the hardest thing to do. In part, because I believe my wife may have felt I focused too much on myself (especially my career). What I have wanted more than anything these last few years was children/family. I also wanted more quality time with my wife, including travel and sharing some of the happy places I have been and seen. For some reason my wife believes I feel differently, but I didn't feel like I was missing something because I was married. Now my career means so little to me. All the things that fill our house and seemed so important now seem superficial and empty. I have reached out to work friends and old friends, but everyone is too busy with their own lives, children, and family that I just don't fit in. My immediate family is so self absorbed over the death of my father that they don't want to hear about my troubles.
If there is one saving grace, it is my aunt. We were never really close until all this began. She has always made herself available, listened to me, and provided support. She understands better than anyone else I know what I am going through. Her husband/my uncle went through a MLC and had a PA. He thought things were greener elsewhere. She was devastated in a way I am only beginning to understand. She spent YEARS rebuilding herself. She delayed it as long as possible, but they did get a divorce. However, the story does have a happy ending. The day the divorce was finalized, it finally dawned on my uncle what he had done and what a terrible mistake he had made. It wasn't long before he started to reach out to her. They wrote each other for months and then started spending time together. Five years after their divorce was finalized, they remarried. Their marriage has been solid ever since. My aunt calls the while thing the "crazy years." She is strong and confident enough now to share her experience with me as I go through this personal hell.
