As I thought about confronting her, I realize that the longer I let it go, the stronger their bond becomes.
not necessarily
Originally Posted By: doubledown
They are planning to rent a house together according to their emails and texts. Since my wife has just accepted a new career position in her industry, she will be making 2 1/2x what she earns now. This will only allow her more flexability and the wherewithall to make this kind of move.
maybe that is what she is telling him, but until she actually tells you that she is planning to move out, it is just theory.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
Should I prepare to confront her soon? With her first week at her new job beginning 8/26/13 and the kids returning to school on 9/4/13, is this a good time to hit her with the revelation? Catching her off guard, with all the stress of starting a new job and chapter in her life?
I think you just answered your own question. right now she will be very stressed about doing well at her new job. do you think now is the time to add extra stress? ever heard about "shooting the messenger"? do you want to be the one who adds stress to her at a time when she least needs it, while (in her imagination at least) OM is the one who "makes her feel good"?
also don't forget that in her new job OM will NOT be her co-worker. i.e. she won't be seeing him automatically at work. of course she can find ways to see him, but it's not going to be all day every day at work.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
Maybe it will shock her into real life and really make an impact when she's least expecting it.
it will quite likely have the opposite effect of what you are hoping. it will be a shock for her, yes, but not in a good way. more like - anger at you for discovering what she has been doing.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
Letting her know that I am aware of the affair and that she needs to end it immediately and sever all contact with OM permanently or she'll have to leave and there will be a significant cost to leaving. No come and go as she pleases, no taking the kids with her to a house she shares with OM, etc.
"letting her know that [you are] aware of the affair" means that you will be letting her know that you knew all along and did nothing. it will make you look like a wimp. and all those demands - she will not respond with "yessir! right away sir!" but more like "H, go jump in the lake! I always knew you were a control freak! now I am going to go to my darling OM who is always so sweet and kind and *really* understands me!"
(now we both know that this is the guy who, besides being way below her intellectually, had a wife in Mexico - to whom he is still married - and was living with a girlfriend, while carrying on an affair with her. and she is planning to move in with him???? but she is living in dreamland and nothing you can say will wake her up to reality. she has to get there herself.)
Originally Posted By: doubledown
I'll only get one shot at the confrontation. So, I'll want to make the biggest impact I can without pushing her away.
that's for sure
Originally Posted By: doubledown
Should I ask her questions like: 1) Do you really know what you're doing? Any doubts? 2) You don't seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue? 3) It seems to me there is a great hole in you. And you think the other person can fill it? 4) Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity.
NO NO NO!!!! too specific and too soon!
first let her start her new job. give her at least about 2 weeks to get used to her new job. and then if she is "working late hours" you can *gently* ask her, why she is working so late. do not let her know that you know about the affair - not yet.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
During my first coaching call, My DB coach, Joanne, said that I should start therapy and then tell W that I have been listening to her and reveal that I am getting help because I need to make changes for myself, my kids and my W. My W has been telling me to get help and make improvements over the years, but I was too pround, weak, ashamed.
Do I begin by telling my W about my therapy and that I realize our marriage has been suffering for a long time, but I know I need to work on me for everyone's benefit. That I want to be the husband and father that I know I can be, want to be and that my W and kids deserve?
that is good advice. and combine it with gently asking about her "working late" (if she is) because you want to improve your relationship and want her to spend more time with you and the kids in the evenings.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
What should be left out during the confrontation?
don't tell her yet that you know about the affair.
