Moving forward together from a mess

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CBT,

I can understand your frustration with the situation. I do. Think W should have called herself before having friend call. All I can tell you is how I felt when H and I were first trying to R after my affair - I wanted thi fa to work but Inwas not ready to give up some of the fun I had rediscovered during my A and in the 6-12 months following. I am not sure of your pre-BD specifics any longer, or why she felt the need to have an A, but for me it was years of loneliness and feeling like I was existing my way through life. Once I had the A, and started going out and hanging out with friends again, some of whom I spent time with with OM, I didn't want to give it up. I felt like H was asking me to stuff myself back inside a box and I couldn't do it. It created huge problems in our M, he would talk about his needs and how I wasn't meeting them and I would silently wonder why he thought his needs were more important than mine. I would agree not to do what he asked (stay away from a specific bar - the only one I went to and not stay out late) even though I knew I couldn't meet that at the time. I agreed because I wanted our M to work. I knew I couldn't meet his need because I felt I was finally being fulfilled. You need to discuss ways for BOTH of your needs to be met. Maybe next time, they could party in your town. You can tell her "I know you want to go out, have fun and stay until you are done. I want you to have fun, however, I also need to feel safe and trust you, what if X comes here Nd the. If someone needs to spend the night she can stay here".

Give options before assuming the worst or letting it cause problems in your M. I know this is a tough situation, you just need to remember that your W has different need than you do, different ideas on any given situation and wants to make sure you aren't going to hold OM over her head forever. I know LBS's will look at it differently and I could always be wrong about what is going on in her head, I just know how I felt when h and I tried to R.