---ask if you will express deep remorse and regret repeatedly and pat my back and hold me and make me feel better - she already has. She doesn't need to do it again.
Then why are you experiencing such deep discomfort with XW? It is good to see that she has already expressed remorse and regret. It's hellva more than we've gotten from our WASes let alone mere acknowledgement.
I am wondering if XW is reaching out to you as a means to repair and restore your friendship in her own way. It just seems to me that if she does not do X, Y, Z in the exact same way you EXPECT, then you just throw up your arms and say that's the same ol' XW. Is it fair to her? This has the makings of an ugly dance that she cannot win because you have this expectation that she preform according to your own hidden standards. Why not give her the benefit of doubt and make some allowances along the process?
If I were in her shoes, I'd be pissed big time and may just say, "fvck this...isn't worth my time/effort." And walk away for good. Then you'll never know nor experience the 'new' paradigm between the two of you because you haven't truly given her a chance.
Just wanted to check in on you. A question I'd like to ask, if that's okay? After reading your answer to OT's question, a follow-up question popped into my head. I wanted to know what would you need from her in order to BEGIN trusting her again? I think subconsciously (or not) we all wait for certain signs before we start lowering our guard. For me, I know I waited for more physical affection (myEx's LL) before I started to feel safe again (and I still don't feel 100% safe yet). Perhaps just another question to ponder as you navigate through your feelings and figure out what type of relationship you'd like with your XW.
X texted me yesterday to cancel today's meeting. She was feeling uncomfortable and felt like she couldn't be open.. so she asked to reschedule. It lead to a pretty interesting conversation which I think lead me to a lightbulb moment.
We had a little bit of a scuffle two days prior. She had asked me a question about a time frame. I couldn't read the vibe of the txt so I asked a few follow up questions.. which in turn made her feel like we were having a hostile conversation. I never thought this was the case.. at least I didn't think I was being that way.. but I could see how she would think it got that way.
She expressed how uncomfortable it was not knowing what I was going to talk about. Usually when we talk about this stuff - we talk about God, but she was very defensive this time. I realized all I could do was listen and even then it got to a point where I said that it was time for me to go via txt.
When we were divorcing, I used to say that alot. When she would spit venom, I would leave the conversation. At first she did would attack, then she learned to do nothing.. finally leading to calming down and expressing herself in a better way.
That's what happened. That's when she told me that she was scared to meet me.
And through that conversation - I realized something. That I trigger her as well. She admitted that our past history impacts our interactions and the current relationship we have.
I said yes. It's very scary. That's part of what I wanted to tell you.. that I'm very scared.
Her response: Trust was broken between us. And although we have a higher power that takes care of us, that does not mean it is safe between us.
So yes - I'm scared too.
My reaction wasn't "what trust did I break, you left me?" It was "Holy Sh!t.. how did I NOT see that I broke her trust too! That the negative reasons she left me or that happened throughout the divorce were still there and the possibility of her dealing with them was scary! That maybe.. just maybe.. there were TWO hearts that were hurt in this mess"
And that was kinda my lightbulb moment. All this time I have been so focused on ME! What she could do to earn my trust. What her loving me looks like.. I never turned that the mirror to see what I COULD DO FOR HER.
What does loving my x look like in this dynamic. If I am always advising/ working towards showing grace and compassion for others, what does that look like for X. How does this new Val treat her?
And here are the main points I came up with.
- Loving X means letting go of the past. Guarding my heart whilst having more faith that she too is working towards being a better person. - Loving X means realizing when I am being triggered by her and to work through them. Mostly by myself.. but maybe in time to share them with her. - Loving X means undestanding that she has triggers too. It means showing grace that her history with me impacts her at times that does NOT MEAN she is the SAME woman that hurt me... It means that like me, she sometimes falls short. -Loving X means asking her that when she is ready that she can express to me HOW i broke her trust - so I can not only understand why but work towards rebuilding. -Loving x means asking what she fears about me - and working towards calming those fears.
These are my goals. Now that doesn't mean that I am ready to be perfect at all times. There is still alot of fear and pain (especially recently learning about her girlfriend) so space for healing may still be needed for me.
The obvious question is Why? Why am I willing to love her?
I don't know how to answer that right now. I don't know how she would answer it.
It just seems to me that maybe.. just maybe this is 1st time in a long time that we both are working towards a form of a relationship.
She rescheduled the meeting for Wednesday. Sushi night.
I still don't have the right words.. but for the first time in a long time - I feel like I have the right motives.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
