Jon, it doesn't seem like you are seeing your own actions in all of this. Even the fact that you've been here before, got re-married, and the person you married has similar issues to the first wife....what is it about you that is drawn to these type of women?
My current wife did not reveal the issues to me until we were married, or at least not in detail, and assured me that counseling and therapy had completely healed her heart and mind. However, in the first few months of our marriage, she would wake me up screaming from nightmares of her ex-husband, even though they've been separated/divorced for almost 4 years before we met.
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Showing her the bills to prove you took care of her---IMO, not a good idea. If you know the truth, there's no need to prove yourself to anyone
I don't know how, but she has told herself this so much, she has taken it on as truth. By revealing it to her, with no nasty comments or snide remarks - just plain facts, that "lie" has been taken away. She literally told people I gave her zero money, and she was forced to use a credit card - when in reality, there were thousands of dollars in a joint checking account, and she spent thousands of dollars on a credit card I pay for. I did not taunt her about this. And since I carefully and calmly laid it out, she hasn't mentioned it again.
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Why does she have to ask you to pay things anyway? Does she not have a job? Did you take away her access to your accounts after separation? Or has she never had access the accounts in the marriage?
To generally answer all the money questions, she has admitted to a shopping addiction especially when things are rough. After she wracked up a ton of credit card debt, I had to put some boundaries in place to protect our family financially. They weren't severe at all - it was common sense things like a budget that we both agreed to, an agreement to call each other if a purchase was over a certain amount. I even told her to take a set amount out of her paycheck to just go blow on crap - hoping that a reasonable amount would satisfy the shopping urges.
.................................... I actually printed out those rules a few days ago, and have started memorizing them. I'm finding out it takes a little practice to get them right!.
I did get a chance to actually use them; hoping I at least got close. W emailed me back about a misunderstanding that she blames me for, and I told her I was sorry she was upset, told her I understood how she might have taken it the wrong way, explained what was really said and my perspective in non-accusatory tones, but I was very firm about the truth of it and didn't back down from the truth.
I've done this on a number of occasions over the last week or so - really removing almost any emotion, or any discussion of R, and her usual pattern of responding with "well, I'm done, it's over" has almost completely ceased. Not taking that as a sign of change, but it's an improvement on communication.
