My wife and I separated about 2 months ago. She moved out to a friends and went to stay with her mom for 6 weeks, to "pray and think" about us.
She came back, and things started to get better. Less than three weeks ago, she told me that she would commit to our marriage if I would help her with my step-son's school and some other financial needs. We had crazy awesome sex two nights in a row, and snuggled - I'm sure the feedback will be that this was premature. We talked and agreed we would remain separated so we could attend counseling and work on the things we knew needed resolved.
Well, I asked her for a text/email stating that she would commit to the marriage, and she lost it. She said she was tired of playing games, and that this was the last straw. She then filed divorce. (This was after I already paid the bills she requested)
I then got an overage notice on my cell phone, and got looking and found a number that was going back as far as my cell bill went, and it showed dozens of calls, and hundreds of texts going to what I found out was a single guy that she had known since high school. I confronted her with it, and she said it was a platonic friend, and there was no romantic relationship, and no affair.
In the last two weeks, I've done all the stuff that this site warns against, be clingy, and remind her of our past, etc, but luckily it's only been two weeks, and I got a hold of myself!
Ever since she got back about a month and a half ago, I have lost 10 pounds, got a tan, got a cool haircut. About 5 days ago, I "went dark". I only contacted her significantly yesterday because she has claimed I didn't support her financially since January, and I sent her bank and credit card statements showing that was a complete lie, and told her so, and that I would not discuss the topic again. She got FURIOUS and cussed me out because she has been telling everyone that I didn't support her, and now it's exposed.
Finally, yesterday, she agreed with me that she believes God brought us together, that God doesn't make mistakes, that divorce would be wrong, and that she believes it would be the right thing to stay in the marriage. Of course, she then says to "Stay away, we're done, this marriage is over, don't contact me."
So again, I'm going dark, starting to GAL - just putting my thoughts out here for any feedback.
Nope, I got remarried about 2 years ago, and I somehow walked right into a woman with almost identical emotional issues (didn't know it at the time). My first wife was molested by an uncle and sister, my current wife was physically abused by her ex-husband and cheated on multiple times.
I have cut WAY back on communication since the initial two weeks. Most of it was the whole annoying junk that DB is against, and I usually just got the text back "We're done, leave me a lone".
But the other night, I called W for a different reason, and we ended up talking for 1.5 hours. She actually talked about how if she came back, we'd be good for 6 months, and then everything would be the same. However, she communicated back and forth and listened to me; although her response was typically, "Well, we're done, so it doesn't matter" - she didn't hang up like she usually does, and really listened.
I forgot to mention during the three weeks things were going really well, I had told W that I wanted to build a place of safety/security/trust for her to heal from the emotional abuse from her past - I'm not bringing it up anymore but that's how I work on myself. I figure even if she doesn't come back; I'll benefit, kids will benefit, etc.
Today, since I found all the records of this "affair", W got really mad and told me to get my cell phone off of our family shared plan. I tried three times and it didn't work, so I just texted her and said, "I was too busy to mess with this". This is a 180 for me because normally I try to accommodate to be helpful.
I had friends over for dinner, and she said, "Well you're not too busy to have friends over", and I responded, "They're more important than me helping you cover your tracks!" She then insisted there was nothing to cover up. And I said, "Not texting anymore, hanging with the kids", and went off.
It was interesting to see her a bit on the defensive - not that I was intending to attack, but me just really honestly responding to something that was dumb.
You need to stop talking about your relationship with her. You push her away more with that.
If you called her for another reason, you should have told her you had to go after you were done talking about that reason. If she does initiate conversation about the R, listen and validate, instead of having her "really listening" to you. You should be the one listening to her to hear her complaints and if they are valid, see what changes you could possibly make....she left you, you are the one trying to get her back with showing a different you. .
You shouldn't be snooping by looking at her phone calls and confronting her about an "affair". As you see, doing that just made her want to distance from you more by wanting you off of the family phone plan. Her finding you you're snooping, broke down trust even further.
When she found out you had friends over, and said "you're not to busy to have friends over"..... your response should have been different instead of the snarky one you gave, that just made her more angry. Your response could have been "Yes, I do have friends over, that is why I said I am busy. If you really want me off of the family phone plan maybe that may be for the best, we can discuss it further later"
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I appreciate the advice. It is odd, but as far as ending when you're done discussing a situation, I actually have started saying "I can't talk now, need to go mow" or "Hanging with the kids, can't text."
Also, one of her big stories she has told everyone is that I didn't support her financially since January 2013, even though we lived in the same house and I paid all the bills. So I pulled all my deposits to our joint checking from January-May, and all of her credit card usage from January-May (which I paid for), and it was a very large amount of money. I sent her the statements, and pointed out that everything she had told our friends was completely false. I didn't engage in any conversation about R or D, and sent it via email to avoid further conversation. She texted me and she was livid, cussing - but never argued with me or said I was wrong, so I know she was upset about being shown to be lying. I didn't respond other than to say the lie was broken, then asked her not to text me about it anymore.
So for now, I've decided to break off a week of time, and here's my goals:
1. Going Dark - zero contact. No communication is necessary at this point. Kids are back in school, she is moving to a new apartment, I'm busy at work. I want absolute silence from me. Quite honestly, I can probably go further than a week. Even if I get served papers soon, I have 28 days to file a generic response.
2. I've started working out, so I'm going to renew my membership at the gym, and go at least 3 times a week for an hour. (I've already lost 10 pounds in about 6 weeks just eating better)
3. I will get my garage cleaned and my mower working.
4. I will schedule at least two nights a week - one going out with friends, and one for me (reading, relaxing, whatever)
Forgot one: 5. I won't look at the phone bill again. A mutual friend that W loves dearly asked her point blank if there was someone else, and she said emphatically no. She said she had only been with the guy she has been texting at group events, and even then only a couple, and it was completely platonic. I will choose to honor her word as my wife instead of entertaining thoughts that aren't confirmed.
It may look weird in my signature that "W committed to marriage 100%" and two days later says "I don't love you".
I bring this up because I had a good day! To explain the two day change: on 8/13, W contacted me and said she was willing to commit 100% if I would help her with some emergencies - basically pay some stuff for her. We agreed I'd buy her a new tire (her's was showing metal thread), pay for my step-son's school bill, and I'd pay her half of the cell phone bill. This would allow her to catch up.
It seemed strange to me to trade money for commitment, so I asked her for a text or email confirming her commitment - she refused, saying she'd rather do it in person. I told her I'd prefer to wait to make the payments until we talked then, and asked where we could meet. She said she was too busy that day, and I immediately got suspicious. My first wife's lawyer told her to get all the money she could before filing divorce, and I thought this was the same deal - I told W no go until I got the words from her. However, I went ahead and made the payments, and sent her the confirmations, warning her I could reverse them if she was lying.
She immediately threw a fit, said she was done playing games, that I was being shady, and she was filing divorce. I told her that I had already kept my end of the agreement, but she said it didn't count since I acted shady.
My darned bank took forever, but today I was able to send her copies of the original payments I scheduled, and the completed payments that finally showed up last night. So now she knows she was completely in the wrong; I said nothing except here's the statements, and I kept my agreement. Sent via email, no conversation.
Jon, it doesn't seem like you are seeing your own actions in all of this. Even the fact that you've been here before, got re-married, and the person you married has similar issues to the first wife....what is it about you that is drawn to these type of women?
Showing her the bills to prove you took care of her---IMO, not a good idea. If you know the truth, there's no need to prove yourself to anyone.
After she said she was committed to the marriage---asking her to provide that in writing, IMO, not a good idea. What was the point of that? Right now, your wife is a WAS, and you are not to believe much of what she says...she has a lot going on in her head. Lovingly Detach, stop allowing her words and actions to control your behavior.
Telling her you paid the bills she asked you to pay, then telling her you'd reverse them if she was lying --- IMO, not a good idea.....seems a bit controlling, no?
If you do something for someone, either don't expect anything in return, or don't do it at all. You can use paying her bills to force her to stay in the marriage, even if she did say she would if you did.
Why does she have to ask you to pay things anyway? Does she not have a job? Did you take away her access to your accounts after separation? Or has she never had access the accounts in the marriage?
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
typo in my above post, should read: you CAN'T use paying her bills to force her to stay in the marriage
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
