BF I am absolutely with you. I realized in posting on another thread that it has been almost nine months since we last spent any time together and that does not bring back any warm and fuzzy memories for me. It was so weird and awkward. I can't even imagine us spending any time together now. And maybe he is happy in this new reincarnation of himself. He said all his changes were for the good. So where would I even fit into that?
I am trying my best to just let go. Linda, thank you for saying he was thinking of me. That he was honestly came as a shock. Now he's disappeared again and maybe one day I will hear from him. But a text message every three or four months is no way to build a relationship nor is it enough action on his part that I would consider myself comfortable enough to contact him. It might have been better had he left me alone.
I wonder what, if anything, he misses about me? I am curious. I would not have guessed that I would miss hugs the most- not that I didn't like hugs but that was not the obvious answer to me.
Here's to the strong ones, those of us who under pressure do not crumble but turn to diamonds.
Careful with that curiosity, I hear it can be dangerous.
I get the hug thing. My H has not been a hugger for some time, but hugs say "I care". And that is what I miss, a feeling of care, of being cherished. Receiving and giving a connection.
Take care.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
"I realized in posting on another thread that it has been almost nine months since we last spent any time together and that does not bring back any warm and fuzzy memories for me. It was so weird and awkward. I can't even imagine us spending any time together now. And maybe he is happy in this new reincarnation of himself. He said all his changes were for the good. So where would I even fit into that?
I am trying my best to just let go. Linda, thank you for saying he was thinking of me. That he was honestly came as a shock. Now he's disappeared again and maybe one day I will hear from him. But a text message every three or four months is no way to build a relationship nor is it enough action on his part that I would consider myself comfortable enough to contact him. It might have been better had he left me alone.
Here's to the strong ones, those of us who under pressure do not crumble but turn to diamonds."
I'm sorry SO zipped in and out like an annoying mosquito Portia. You're right, a text message every three or four months is no way to re-build a relationship; I would not contact him again now either but would wait to see what he does.
i like your salute to the left behind diamonds. I used to be a strong one Portia. I was a strong one yesterday, but today am wallowing in self pity and tears, and it disgusts and frightens me. So I am presenting my sorry sniveling self to you for a good talking to. Okay?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks for stopping by. I returned the favour on both your threads.
Really nothing going on in my sitch right now. Have not heard from xSO since last text exchange, although I still find myself boiling over the lots of changes, all for the good" comment. Would like to tell him to stick his changes in his ear.
Anybody else watching the British TV Series Broadchurch? Very interesting. Anyway, one woman in describing her grief over her murdered son said that even after time had passed, the shadow of grief was always there and it isn't that the shadow goes away, you just learn to live with it."
I think that describes how I feel. The relationship is long gone and I am doing my best to squash any hope. How is it that you can hate someone and yet still hope that they end up in your life at the same time? I go out and am living my life, but the shadow follows me. Sometimes it overwhelms me but not as much as it used to.
Bright posted that the general guideline for getting over someone is 1 month for every year. I sure hope so, that would mean I have only 5 months to go - just in time for Christmas!
Good for you Portia, for being to the point where you want to tell SO to stick his "lots of changes" in his ear. Or even lower
I'm glad that the shadow of grief from the loss of your old R doesn't overwhelm you as much anymore. It's hard to squash hope when you are a naturally hopeful person. I remember reading somewhere, don't think it was on this forum, that the opposite of love is NOT hate, it is apathy. And that to feel hate for someone means that you still have a lot of feelings for them.
I hate my H sometimes too. But most of the time I squash those feelings down and project the hate onto the Russian Tramp, although in my heart I know their relationship is both of their faults it's a lot easier for me to blame it all on her.
Maybe some day we will both be able to detach enough that we can feel apathy as to whether our SOs are alive or dead, happy or sad, have good changes or bad changes. I'm not sure.
Following Bright's guidelines, I should be able to get over my H in 3 years and 2 months. But when does the guideline start? When you detach enough to realize it is never going to work out? BD#1, BD#2?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
that's a very good point Linda, apathy being the opposite of love, makes a lot of sense.
Portia, I also "hate" my husband sometimes....I'm a catch:)....how could he do this to our family? I tend, like Linda, to squash those feelings and find myself blaming his mom for being such a crappy mom and his work friends for telling him how green the grass is on the other side EVEN when I know, logically, this was H's choice and no one else's.
Met with a palm reader this am (not for real but fun) asked me how long I'd been divorced (I wear my wedding band and still have my family pics on the wall so he managed to figure that out) he said that I would find acceptance in October/November....I guess we'll see
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Portia, you are still grieving your R. Yes, it will take some time. If my “guidance” proves to be true, we both are very close to the better times. I feel it for Linda, she might have a lot more time to go. But, I believe that at some point we will all come to a good place in our souls and our hearts.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I do believe that great things are in store for us. That has been my constant this whole past year. Blind faith that no matter what I would be fine. OK I confess I hadn't realistically estimated the time line but no storm can last forever.
Detaching is a process and one that I think happens naturally rather than forcefully. Linda you mentioned on your thread that you were trying to detach. Be gentle with yourself, this isn't something you can force. From my earliest days on this Board the advice was to detach. This is great advice but my brain received that message like there was a switch somewhere I needed to flip, that there was something I could DO about becoming detached.
There isn't. And I am still not quite there yet or I wouldn't be so peeved and resentful that xSO felt the need to tell me all his changes were for the good after four months of radio silence. Detach. I'd like to detach his head, or like Linda said, someplace lower. Honestly I am not as violent as I seem
Life is busy, if a little mundane. I am usually off travelling this time of year but not this year and I guess I am a little restless. I take that as a good sign. Better restless than the listlessness of last year!
Nothing from the Great Beyond. I do wonder if I have heard the last of him but then I think of Bea's experience and think maybe not. I mentioned on Linda's thread that my LL was QT. Kinda ironic, I think. I recognize that I have always had abandonment issues of my own which makes it even harder for me not to hate him or be angry with him. His actions - and now I actions - pushed all my buttons at once. And all the wrong buttons!
So here is to a bright future for all of us. And may our next partners push all the right buttons
Portia, have you read the book by Susan Anderson 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing?' I found it very helpful, not only in deaing with my xh's emotional abandonment of me, but also my sister and parents' death.
And I agree with you, we can't force detachment but we can foster it by our own stance.
