Surviving Separation

[Confluences]

Wow, that is a big test. Having his Mom in the house 2 weeks is just odd. Hopefully she will be your advocate but you got to be guarded about what you say around her. It's not like you can sit around and read books on DBing in front of everyone but you can hide-out on the computer from time-to-time.

I'd let the Mom bring up the R talk and just focus on "acting as if" you've moved-on but I know that will be tough. I would not be concerned about the H's uncomfortable level with your friends and family, that's on him and maybe that will give him some clarity about things.

Focus on yourself and have confidence in all the progress you've made leading up to now, you'll do great!

[Whiterose]

Hi Slow

it seems things are getting a little more positive for you....I'm glad.

Continue to remain calm as we know with baby coming all hell will soon be breaking loose. Hopefully, things will go smoothly when MIL and H are home. You'll be so tired and focused on the baby you may appear to be detached without even trying.

Maybe if MIL brings up R talk see how you're feeling. If you feel too tired, and are afraid you're going to say something "wrong" then maybe just say you would like to discuss when you're heads a little clearer, or if you feel ok go for it.

I am sending you BIG HUGS and lots of positive energy:)

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, my MIL is coming with the intention of helping me get back on my feet so I certainly welcome her help... And she's making a really long trip across country so it is nice for her to be on hand. It will just be tough to go from being on my own to having help and no quiet time to myself My family will be around a lot too so I'm hoping things stay light and baby focused.

Today is off to a really nice start. My H just dropped by to pick up the items he didn't get last week. He needed them for something this afternoon, but his plans fell through again, so the fact that he made the long trip over here anyways tells me maybe he was looking forward to having a reason to stop by.... Maybe.

He also brought over some food so I wouldn't have to cook tonight and stopped by the store by my house to pick up some other things I like. Who is this guy?? I don't know, but I like what I'm seeing.

Also, he lingered for a very long time talking. Almost going out of his way to tell me about himself. After saying he had to get back to work he stood in the open doorway for another 15 minutes.

Lastly, my son, his stepson, was home. He peeked his head out from cartoons to say hi and went back to his show while we were chatting. I think my H was really nervous about seeing my kids again, after all who knows what they'll say or ask, so to have such a normal low key interaction w/o the guilt of being asked if/when he would be coming back was the best possible first meeting.

I'm not getting my hopes up (ok, maybe a little but not too high). More than anything I'm just happy my H is at ease around me, and thankful that he is excited for his son's arrival. He's taking care of business financially and checks in on how I'm doing daily. I can be happy if that's all he's able to give right now.

[Confluences]

That's good that he's warming up, I'd just keep doing what you're doing right now and see how it goes. You seem to be in a good frame of mind right now and that is a gift that you have given yourself as a result of all your efforts.

Everything that you're doing right now is putting him at ease with no R talk or pressure, so that is a good thing. I hope that he'll have a final epiphany about where his true home is and come to the realization that he needs to be there. I think if you just focus on the friendship side of things, then that will start to peak his interests about being more intimate with is feelings.

You're a lot further along then I'd like to be right now so just hang in there and enjoy this time as best as possible. I got a new book called "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman and it's a pretty good read, you may want to get it at some point. The first "Guidepost" is Guard your Attitude and Actions; keep them positive. We cannot determine our emotions, but we can choose our attitudes and actions.

Drop a line when you take off for the hospital if you have time, so we know where you are with things. You're doing really good, just keep working on yourself and inner peace

[slow_it_down]

I've been enjoying being pursued for a change over the past few days... Now something confusing has come along and I felt like a deer in headlights totally at a loss for how to respond!

I mentioned to my H that I'm staying w/ my folks the next few days until i deliver bc I'm not comfortable being home alone w/ my help being 45 min+ away when I go ino labor. This is my 3rd so getting someone to watch my kids and getting to the hospital quickly could be an issue.

Now here's where it gets confusing.

His reply "I know it doesn't matter much anymore but I should have tried harder w/ us. I'm sorry but I should be the one taking you to the hospital."

So that's it? No " how do we work this out?" No, how do I fix things?"... Just straight to him making it sound like he's bummed that its too late.

In my mind I wanted to say "so try harder now, this isn't over." But I can't tell if he meant he's over it or if he thinks I wouldn't take him back. So I did my best to avoid the subject.

I've spent a lot of time thinking of how a conversation would go if he came to me and said he wanted to work on things. This really has me thrown off. I don't want to plant the seed that I'd still like to work things out bc I've told him that in the past. I think I'm just going to avoid volunteering my thoughts on this for now, continue being friendly and supportive and see where he takes this next.

Any other thoughts?

[Confluences]

You're at that moment where you have a decision to make whether you nudge him in the direction that you want him to go or you assume that he's a mind-reader and that he thinks he does not have a chance with you. That's a tough one because I think you're in that quandary of do you not discuss the R or do you consider what he said a sign that he is having an awakening and you need to let him come back to you.

You know that he will see you in the hospital and if he starts to show more obvious signs of guilt/remorse, then maybe, just maybe you use it as an opening to ask him if he wants to discuss things in more detail. A baby is a joyous occasion and it could really make him come to his senses about reality and the desire to work things out.

He's coming to you and you need to keep up your 180s because it sounds like it's working. I have the same difficulty thinking about if my WAW said she wanted to seriously work things out because she hinted at it back in June but then ran the other direction. I think that the desire is there with him but you're probably like me where you've created a barrier around yourself now that is there to deflect hurt and pain. Letting down that barrier and knowing that you may be open to more hurt is a risk.

I feel like my WAW owes me an apology for some of the things she said to me but I am not expecting it. I think there has to be a willingness of both sides to agree to forget the past and acknowledge that there is a positive future to be had together and focus on past wrongs is a waste of time. Forgiveness is a powerful thing but it has to be mutual from both sides.

I think you're doing really good right now and it's a matter of employing a large quantity of patience with him right now.

[slow_it_down]

Well Confluences that patience is about to be put to the test. My H just called to say he's stopping by in about an hour because he wants to talk in person. He sounded sad on the phone, so we'll see what's on his mind.

He also texted last night to ask if I wanted to keep all future communication baby related. I asked why he got the impression that that was what I wanted. Maybe he's doing a temp check on how I'm feeling, or maybe he's just a mess only time will tell.

I agree about that barrier. For me it's not so much abt needing an apology but wanting the "I want to work on things" to come from him, not at my suggestion. My regular pre-BD self would lay all my cards and thoughts about wanting to reconcile on the table at the lightest hint of regret on his part. However that hasn't worked in the past. Like your W my H started coming around only to take off again during our separation.

I keep reminding myself to just be 'cool'. To make him feel comfortable opening up but to not show overwhelming enthusiasm if the convo goes well. I'm also mentally prepared for the opposite (that he's sorry but he's madly in love w/ someone else or something. Since the last time he started coming around I got rash of texts/calls from OW that was mad abt him talking to me. )

[slow_it_down]

This week has really been trying my patience waiting for baby, (im ready to not be pregnant anymore) but after today I'm pretty happy my little guy hasn't arrived just yet. Another good example of how gods plan doesn't always match what we want, but things seem to work themselves out. Having a little extra time to interact w/ H beforehand has been an unexpected blessing.

H and I didn't get into any relationship talk in person when he stopped by but he texted me when he left to say he just couldn't get the words out. I replied that i just enjoyed his company. Afterall its him wanting to talk, not me pressing o have an R talk at this point. Then he emailed and called several times later in the day. I used to not take it well when he went the electronic route to communicate but today I embraced it and said I understood sometimes its easier to get things out by email.

He said a few things about feeling bad abt the baby and that he's tried several times to file for D but can't bring himself to do so. To my surprise he even said what I've been yearning to hear for a long time - that there are things he misses that made him happy!

I know I've mentioned that I don't want him coming back just over baby guilt, so to hear he's missing things (unrelated to baby) was a huge gift today.

Where we stand now... The slooooooow track of figuring out what comes next. When baby comes home and settled in he's 'open to discussing baby steps for moving towards fixing things.'

I'll take it. And I like that the plan is for after baby, bc honestly I don't need any extra pressure to work this out overnight in a rush

[Confluences]

He's slowly walking back in your direction....because you're keeping your cards face down and not seeming over anxious. He's definitely got a sense that you don't care either way what happens and I think it's also very telling that he can't bring himself to file for D. That element of doubt is validating all the hard work and patience that you have put towards the past 60 to 90 days. I think you're actually in control of things but don't let your guard down with the wrong assumptions. Your strength right now is the baby and focusing on that making him recognize that the mother of his child has a decision to make about being a responsible and honorable parent.

Now with all due respect to the OW....I would pull no punches with her if she contacts you. Just explain that in no uncertain terms there is one option and one option only for her: Go and Pound Sand versus texting and contacting me with your concerns or worries with the expectation that I am going to take you seriously. End of discussion

Regardless of the leaches....just keep doing what you're doing, it's your time to shine but make it about you and being a great Mom.

[slow_it_down]

I just wanted to hop on and post a quick update. Still no sign of baby yet.

My h has gone from sporadic texts to calling me throughout the day every day, at times it's to check on how I'm doing, other times just to chat. He brought me donuts yesterday and then hung around for a bit before asking me to lunch. Then he drove me to an appointment today and asked if I'd go to a bookstore with him afterwords. It's such a different place to be in than a week or two ago where I was mostly on my own w/ no indication of what to think from him. Now it feels like he can't get enough of hearing from me!

I can tell he's eager for the baby to arrive, but it also seems like he is really making me part of his daily life again.

I'm still leaning back and letting him take the lead on things. My go to advice nowadays when I'm unsure what to do... Is to do nothing it's been working out and helping to keep the pace of things slow when it's so tempting to push for more too quickly since everything feels so positive at the moment.