It's not your job to teach her a lesson and most especially not using your children.
How you see it means, did she cross a boundary? If you say to her W if you want to date others, I can't be a part of that. If you want to date, I won't be involved with you romantically but we will still be parents to our children.
Done!
Step out of that persecutor role, it's controlling.
Damn right she crossed a boundary. Dating while working on M is a complete no go for me.
Your right it isn't my job. I lashed out with that. I still don't want to spend time with her though. I hate her right now and I'm angry. After what happened last time I didn't what her telling me I didn't give enough notice to see son.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
She definitely knows now after our conversation this morning. I can't say I wasn't emotional but I was fairly calm and said the words.
She was trying to hide it, she isn't communicating with me. We can't go forward if she isn't talking to me and dating other guys.
She's getting excited about meeting some guy tonight to the point she is making status' about it.
I'm not gonna be involved with her. If she's not committed (and yes dating isn't being committed) then I'm going back to where I was 6 weeks ago. I feel safer there plus not giving out any cake.
I'm angry because of the date but also she said she was wanting to work on it.
I'm sure the anger will die down over the next few days.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Something I forgot to mention. Her mother has been telling her I would never move to where she lives, it wouldn't work, I'm not fully interested and she should move on.
Ironic how one of W issues with me was my M was too controlling.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Hi T. Well, so sorry to hear that things took a dive again. Unfortunately, this seems to be the pattern for your W. I don't know how much is lack of maturity, selfishness, contriving, or mental illness. I use none of those words to be snide. If she is playing you, it is wrong. Period.....done. If she is simply so immature that she lives in the moment for whatever good feeling she gets from it, that's unhealthy to a R and calls for serious therapy. After all, you can just blame so much on immaturity! She's raising your sons, and you hope she would have a better sense of right & wrong. However, her scale is obviously not the same as your scale of what's right/wrong between people who say they will work on the R. (Did she ever say she would, or was it still just one toe in?)
Last, there is that chance she's bi-polar. We certainly can't determine if she is or not, but if she is...then any efforts improving the MR for her would probably not stick until she was on regular medication. I'm not saying it would fix everything, b/c it still takes the hard work.
I'm not telling you anything new here, T. I don't blame you for being angry. She has put you through the wringer. I'm not even suggesting what to do right now, other than take several days of no more contact. Cool down. Don't call about future events coming up, b/c you are too upset and it will lead to more fights.
I have to leave for a few minutes, but I will back to discuss a couple of things that kind of jumped out at me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
(Did she ever say she would, or was it still just one toe in?)
She used the one toe in expression in the MC and about two weeks ago. It felt like she was all in 3-4 weeks ago.
Her behaviour makes me wonder how she ever did well in her job. Since I have known she has never really kept to anything she planned.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
When I first started reading about the latest developments and your answers to her about not being a family, therefore not doing things together as a family.....I wondered if you were letting my advice over on F's thread influence your reaction.
Then something else seemed to stand out when I was reading. What your W said about the flowers. Something about if she knew it would wake you up, she would have bought herself flowers weeks ago. I remember when it happened and I wondered about it then. So, did you bring up the subject of the flowers when you had the fight over this new guy? Did she actually say he was the one who sent them?
Maybe you assume some (not all) things b/c of how it feels to you. You felt like she was committed to the M, even though she never said so. She left flowers out in plain view for you to see, and you assumed somebody sent them to her, even though you asked. She had fun with you then. I wondered myself if she played you that day or if she was that dumb to leave flowers out from another man.......knowing you didn't want her dating. Frankly, I think she was trying to make you jealous.
Did she turn to OM b/c she thought you were not interested? I don't buy it. Just b/c you were wanting to have a real MR instead of just using her for sex? Or is it b/c she has to have a man to feel better about herself? With her mother as her role model, who knows?
You have decisions to make about how you want to live the rest of your life. If you think she is worth all the pain and heartache she may continue to put you through, that is your decision. If you want a shot at finding somebody who is more stable and wants the same things you want in a M, that is your decision. However, you don't have to make any decisions about it now. In fact, you don't need to make any long lasting decisions until you get past this last stabbing of the heart.
Remember what you said to F in your last post yesterday? Very good advice to live by.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When I first started reading about the latest developments and your answers to her about not being a family, therefore not doing things together as a family.....I wondered if you were letting my advice over on F's thread influence your reaction.
Yes I did. It felt appropriate to me. It was my quick fix to try to shock her into what she was doing. As labug said that isn't my job and I know it isn't. I don't think it worked. I don't regret doing it and I'm sticking by what I said.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Then something else seemed to stand out when I was reading. What your W said about the flowers. Something about if she knew it would wake you up, she would have bought herself flowers weeks ago. I remember when it happened and I wondered about it then. So, did you bring up the subject of the flowers when you had the fight over this new guy? Did she actually say he was the one who sent them?
Maybe you assume some (not all) things b/c of how it feels to you. You felt like she was committed to the M, even though she never said so. She left flowers out in plain view for you to see, and you assumed somebody sent them to her, even though you asked. She had fun with you then. I wondered myself if she played you that day or if she was that dumb to leave flowers out from another man.......knowing you didn't want her dating. Frankly, I think she was trying to make you jealous.
She never said he was the one that sent them. They could have been from herself, they might be OM from months ago or they, they might be from the guy she is going/gone on the date with or she might not know who they are from.
I can't remember who brought them up. I do remember her saying "I should have sent myself some weeks ago" out of nowhere.
She is a very attractive woman, it's not hard to imagine other men trying to date her or send her flowers. None of us know where they came from really.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Did she turn to OM b/c she thought you were not interested? I don't buy it. Just b/c you were wanting to have a real MR instead of just using her for sex? Or is it b/c she has to have a man to feel better about herself? With her mother as her role model, who knows?
It seems to be all about what she is feeling there and then. Always has been. If she is bi-polar I won't be one bit surprised.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You have decisions to make about how you want to live the rest of your life. If you think she is worth all the pain and heartache she may continue to put you through, that is your decision. If you want a shot at finding somebody who is more stable and wants the same things you want in a M, that is your decision. However, you don't have to make any decisions about it now. In fact, you don't need to make any long lasting decisions until you get past this last stabbing of the heart.
Remember what you said to F in your last post yesterday? Very good advice to live by.
I don't have to decide anything right now. At the moment I'm thinking of D myself. Right now, I have had enough.
If we hadn't had this last 4-5 weeks I would have been so much further forward.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Maybe she's just a hurt, mixed-up person, with bad skills like... hmmmmm, the rest of us.
No matter what she is, says, does or suffers from, it really doesn't change YOUR path.
Really think about your decision to not spend your S's b-day as a family. Usually we want to teach people a lesson because they've angered us and usually under that anger is hurt and fear.
You wanted to show her.
So your emotions pushed you to do something that takes something away from your son...who's 3, and it's his special day. He only wants to be held and loved by mommy and daddy.
You're run by your emotions, W is run by hers. Does it create you some empathy in you to see that.
Slow down, think.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't understand how it doesn't change my path. 6 weeks ago part of my path was me and W apart heading towards D. 4 weeks ago we were heading towards R. Now we're are not.
I will think about S3's birthday. It's too raw right now and I think it will be then too. I'm not at the point where I even want to see her face let alone spend time with her.
I'm furious with how she has gone from MC, Retrouvaille, talking about us having more kids and making a go of it to changing her mind and not even telling me. It would be one thing to find it overwhelming but not tell me she was dating. I'm not having it.
I can empathise with emotions causing actions. I struggle to empathise with hers. It's not like it's even an anger thing. Over the last few weeks she has made decisions and not only failed to inform me but also tried to hide it and lied to me. I deserve better.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
