Hi, would love for any feedback/comment/mutual support from this wonderful community on my SIT. New to forum, been reading and applying many DBing/180 principles I've picked up so far. Want to stay on track till get MWD's book, since W's EA popped back up and now with secret phone:
- M 2000, estranged/silent for almost decade. We know why. - 12/12 had first real convo about whether to end or try. I said yes. She said no longer love long time; revealed "feelings for someone else." Only limited OM contact to that point; coffee breaks & lunch at workplace, but probably no face time outside work. - But still conclusion "he's my mirror" while simultaneously admitting at diff points that she doesn't really know him and they're culturally so different, “can never work, don’t want that in my life.” Seems like silly infatuation to me. OM is senior doctor, she was cafe worker. - We still agreed to try. - Thru 12/12 to 6/13 some good steps forward (as couple and as family w/ 9yo S), some bad steps back. But both (I now understand after finding this site) have been slowly piecing past few months. Think she maintained NC, but never stopped thinking about OM. - 6/28/13 last day work at current employer, OM sent person to say “he still likes you, but doesn’t know what to do.” (Reminded me of high school). That night and next day she totally changed. I knew something happened. So snooped (yes, know now that’s wrong.) "It all came back" for her – and now she was trying to set up dates. - I admitted to snooping, and calmly expressed my surprise and hurt since she gave many signals that she/we were doing so well. Ended by me saying she needed to figure out on her own or she'd always wonder, and her asking for space to "please let me do that in my own way." Later that evening, after talking with friend, "it's not you it's me. It's pretty much over bt us. If it's not [this OM] it will be someone else." WTF, felt like put out for trash on a whim! -6/28/13 to 8/12/13 lots of positve family time/vacation/piecing. I never mentoined OM again. She asked at one point, "are you in?" Yes I said, are you? Yes she replied. Twice last week reached to hold my hand for first time in years and years--wow! - 8/12 put her credit card back in her wallet (she asked me to get her gas) and found OM's business card and secret cell. I asked her "thought that was over" very calmly. She freaked with old profanity/anger. I left to breath, and returned calmy said 180ing that "you can call me horrible names and ef-ing this, but I'm not going to get angry. I'm not doing that with you anymore. I did nothing wrong. I think I've handled myself pretty well thru this whole thing -- I haven't gotten angry with you, or yelled, or complained or even mentioned it. I've conducted myself with integrity. You can be angry if you want." And I went to bed. - That did throw her off. Made her do a 180 as next day she showed no anger and returned right back to where we were -- pleasant, talking, doing stuff, yet with cool reserve and careful distance. What's not 180 for her though is rug sweeping.
Any back of envelop reactions/advice? The secret phone put all the fear back. THANKS FOR ANY MORAL SUPPORT -- GREAT HAVING A SAFE COMMUNITY TO CONNECT WITH.
