OT - thanks. This is what I would like to say. and highlighted area reasons.
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V: XW, when I am around you, I find myself triggered to relive trauma. I am sad because I love you and would like for us to have a healthy relationship. I find myself blaming you for triggering me, but it is really my choice to expose myself to things that you do innocently but which trigger me. So, to take care of my own emotional health, I need to ... (which among these or others might it be???)
---ask for my wish for no contact to be respected. - I feel like I need this one, but I really in no way want it. ---ask if you are willing to hear me share when I have been triggered as this might allow some healing in our relationship. - I would really enjoy this one. ---ask if you can nevertheless mind read and predict the future so that you can carefully avoid doing anything that might trigger me ---ask if you will express deep remorse and regret repeatedly and pat my back and hold me and make me feel better - she already has. She doesn't need to do it again. ---ask you to wake up and come back to me - absolutely not here. ---ask you to show me all your guilt and shame - no that has no place in our new relationship. --- ask you to work on some communication ground rules for respectful communication and respectful disagreement with me I really enjoy this one too.
What is it you seek? --------
I'm pushing because I don't think you are being straight with yourself.
I heard this recently... "My therapist said, when we say 'I don't know' about what we want, we really DO know." This struck me as very, very true.
What do you want from this meeting?
honestly - I want to know if I can trust her to be different..
I want us to be different. Not romantically involved.. just different. I don't want to be the victim, but I don't want her to get hostile when I express my feelings.
We have a history that plays into our interactions. I want to work at changing that.. but I don't want to do it alone.
Intellectually - I get from this day forward. I get that forgiveness is a daily process. I get all of it, but I'm scared sh!tless.
How do I do that and protect my heart?
When my friends trigger me (because they remind me of her) I can sit there an intellectually say - yes Val - but they are not her.. they love you. They are here for you.
And they are. Yes the work is ON me, but I do not work through this trial alone. I'm going to fail for awhile. I'm not healed. I have not broken my co-dependent ways.
I can't say ANY of that when she does. All that comes up is - Don't be an idiot Val and fall for the same thing the 1000th time.
Or if you say anything - she will get uncomfortable and run.
Am I'm struggling to take the risk with HER. She isn't a new person with a clean slate, she is someone who has validated my fears for years.
I'm sure she has similar feelings.
Is that fair to her? Absolutely not.
But how do I express all of that without making her the villain. I'm asking seriously.
Everyone will say time - and I agree that it helps.. but is that what I really need here or do I need to grow a set and dig down and grow?
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
