Well I was going about my business a couple of days ago. I happened to open a chat app that I don't use anymore (W does) by mistake and I noticed it had "Only 4 days to go" and heart written for her signature. I thought that could have been put on there at anytime and ignored it.
Well today out of interest I checked again. This time it had "Today is the Day" and some hearts.
Rather than play games and text all day I phoned W to ask what it was:
Me: Hi W: Hiya Me: I'm not going to beat around the bush. I noticed on Whatsapp that you had "Today is the Day" and some hearts and I wanted to know if there is anything I need to know? W: Not as far as I'm aware. Me: Whats does that mean? W: As far as I'm aware there is nothing I need to tell you. Me: OK then, are you going out with or on a date or anything else with another man? W: (I can't remember what was said or how we got to it but she did confirm it)
We had long discussion about it. Basically she is lonely and says I'm not interested. So has had some interest and found it very flattering. If I'm not interested why wouldn't she go out on a date with someone who is? I told her it's this sort of thing why I have kept myself at arms length. We agreed to take it slow, I said you were the one who said if it takes 12 months to sort out then so be it. She was actually hoping I would tell her it wouldn't take 12 months and just get on with it. I said we haven't had time to even connect. You were supposed to get a sitter which you said you could. She said her Mom is ill and needs an operation, doesn't think she should be asking her and she is very worried about her. I validated her on her Moms health. I told her that she needs/needed to tell me these things.
The conversation went on for a while. I told her that I have been wanting to be more affectionate and get closer to her. She mentioned that she doesn't think it can work with us two and the kids. I said I don't deny it's hard but what makes you think some other guy who isn't their father is suddenly going to make it work?
The conversation ended with me telling her what I/we would be able to do to help us spend more time together but I would not share her with anyone. I guess I will see you in about two weeks then. She said "but what about....never mind" I asked what she was going to say. She said I thought we were gonna see each other on Monday. I said not if your seeing other men, I already said I'm not going to share you (a poor choice of words I know). She said fine.
I went back to work. I started to think about what was coming up that this would effect. S3's birthday is in two weeks. I have the day off work. We were taking him out in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I was contacting W to secure some time with S3 on his birthday and at the same time help her realise we wouldn't be playing happy families.
Me: Is anything planned for the afternoon on S3's birthday? W: No. Just taking him to buy toys in the morning. Why? Me: OK cool, I will take him out in the afternoon. W: Erm no...it's his birthday and we spend the day as a family. Me: We are not a family W. W: S1 will have been at nursery and not fair leaving him out. Me: He is my son and seeing as nothing is planned there is no reason why he can't spend the afternoon with his Dad. S1 will get the same on his Birthday. W: You are right...we are not a family but when we both have the kids lets at least make an effort to make them feel like we are when we are all together. Me: I'm not going to pretend. W: Stop getting nasty with me. Esp when it comes to the kids Me: They will need to realize sooner or later. I'm not getting nasty. W: It will not go in your favour. Me: I just want to spend time with S3 on his birthday. It's not about you. Stop threatening me. W: Well I'd like to spend some quality time with S3 on his birthday Me: You can in the morning as you planned. W: So you're not going to be there in the morning now? Me: No W: Ok. You are only cutting your noise off to spite your face. Me: See it as you like. W: Well just so you know I did actually cancel that date tonight. But thanks for reminding me of what a lovely person you can be. Your controlling attitude is such a great quality that you hold! Me: I just want to spend time with my boy on his birthday. W: Fine. Do what ever you want!
Not sure I believe she has or had cancelled the date. Either way she wasn't being honest and upfront with me and I won't have it.
I don't feel that bad tbh. I do hope she isn't going on the date but nothing I can really do about it now. She seems to think it's all about her.
That was about 3 hours ago. She just text me something about S3's school. We discussed it and that was it.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I am sorry she did this to you again. Hopefully Sandi can give you some advice. I don't want to say at this point, she seems extremely immature and she clearly is not committed to saving your M.
I am thinking about how you must be feeling having the rug ripped out from under you again and I am sending hugs.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Again, stay on your path, mind your boundaries. Read some of the threads around here and you'll see that women and men, even when standing for their M, "date" for many reasons from loneliness to wanting to be reassured that they are attractive. What matters is, how you see that.
About the birthday, why can't you spend the time together as a family? Are you trying to teach her a lesson?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
T, I understand you're irked about your W trying to set up a date, but ask yourself this- what is best for your kids? Do you think S3 would rather spend all day with mom AND dad or spend part of it with mom and part with dad? Because that is all that matters, what HE wants and needs. At his age he is not going to understand what is going on between you two, so you need to shelter him from that as long as possible. It's looking like W and I will be D'd soon, but we will likely still get together for the kids' birthdays because that's what they want.
I really think your motivation for this was anger and frustration and that you're trying to teach W a lesson. But all it's doing is making her angry.
T1000, Sorry you are having to deal with this. It really must feel like a punch in the gut. I am could be totally wrong and definitely could be mind reading. But I don't think she really had a date. I think your wife is extremely selfish, much like wife, but I also see a lot of controlling issues with your W that reminds me of how I use to do things. I personally believe she was tempature checking and seeing how you would react. Since you have been keeping at arms length she is worried that you might not be "interested" as she says. Here is the problem though. So common sense would tell you show her affection as much as possible and show her you are all in. But then you will end up with more of the same. She will be happy because she feels like she is in control again and it would only be a matter of time before that upsets the both of you. Now I wish had better advice how to handle all that. I will leave that to Sandi I wish had Sandi commenting and giving me advice. You are one the threads I follow because of her advice. Hang in there man, you have come a long ways and don't want to let her have that control again
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
It is really crappy of her to plan a date while trying to piece and publicly announcing a countdown to it. Really rapt, and I am sorry for it. Wraps she is just not that committed if she can't be patient and wants what she wants when she wants it ( I'm seeing this about her)
But..... You want to show her you are not a family all of sudden abruptly, for S3's birthday . Lets think about him for a second. Was he expecting all of you together? You and W may not be a family but you both share children who are your family . Maybe how boa not the one to go procing thigs to your wide at the expense of your S3. Others may or may not agree, but being his bday is only 2 weeks away, he may be expecting to spend the day together and has been seeing you guys spending time together, it may really hurt him thinking " we'll, why can't I be with mommy and daddy on my birthday?"
Will he have to understand one day? Yes, if you D. But you jorg also have to remember the effects on the kids. One day you are happy mommy and daddy spending time together, the next day you are my a family, then all of a sudden you are going to the zoo together? See what I mean .....
I'm sorry this happened. You only know your path on from here out, but think about the kiddos while you are trying to prove a point to W.
My D5's b day is in 3 weeks . We separated before she was a year. After each of us having to spend a birthday without our D we did make it a thing where just the 2 of us take her to dinner on her actually B day. It worked when I let some of the raw emotion go.
I here what your saying GM.
S3 is slightly autistic and doesn't understand birthdays or christmas yet. If he was going to notice the change I wouldn't be acting the way I am.
I don't know where this will end up and right now I'm angry and ready to start D myself. I know this may change so I'm trying not to do too much right now.
All year W and I have always happened to be in a position where vacation, xmas, valetines, easter, mothers day, fathers day, W birthday, my birthday. She hasn't experienced anything significant as a non family. I think she needs to.
I do know how that sounds but right now I don't care that much.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Again, stay on your path, mind your boundaries. Read some of the threads around here and you'll see that women and men, even when standing for their M, "date" for many reasons from loneliness to wanting to be reassured that they are attractive. What matters is, how you see that.
About the birthday, why can't you spend the time together as a family? Are you trying to teach her a lesson?
What do you mean by what matters is how I see that?
I am trying to teach her a lesson.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T, I understand you're irked about your W trying to set up a date, but ask yourself this- what is best for your kids? Do you think S3 would rather spend all day with mom AND dad or spend part of it with mom and part with dad? Because that is all that matters, what HE wants and needs. At his age he is not going to understand what is going on between you two, so you need to shelter him from that as long as possible. It's looking like W and I will be D'd soon, but we will likely still get together for the kids' birthdays because that's what they want.
I really think your motivation for this was anger and frustration and that you're trying to teach W a lesson. But all it's doing is making her angry.
It will make her angry. I also think it will also show her some things she needs to see. I think she tend to live a in a dream sometimes.
I'm not saying we won't get together in the future but right now I don't want to be around her. Like I said to GM S3 won't have a clue, he never knew it was happening in the first place and wouldn't even if it was explained to him.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
It's not your job to teach her a lesson and most especially not using your children.
How you see it means, did she cross a boundary? If you say to her W if you want to date others, I can't be a part of that. If you want to date, I won't be involved with you romantically but we will still be parents to our children.
Done!
Step out of that persecutor role, it's controlling.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
T1000, Sorry you are having to deal with this. It really must feel like a punch in the gut. I am could be totally wrong and definitely could be mind reading. But I don't think she really had a date. I think your wife is extremely selfish, much like wife, but I also see a lot of controlling issues with your W that reminds me of how I use to do things. I personally believe she was tempature checking and seeing how you would react. Since you have been keeping at arms length she is worried that you might not be "interested" as she says. Here is the problem though. So common sense would tell you show her affection as much as possible and show her you are all in. But then you will end up with more of the same. She will be happy because she feels like she is in control again and it would only be a matter of time before that upsets the both of you. Now I wish had better advice how to handle all that. I will leave that to Sandi I wish had Sandi commenting and giving me advice. You are one the threads I follow because of her advice. Hang in there man, you have come a long ways and don't want to let her have that control again
I am very confident it is happening. It was too covert for it to be for show. She said this morning that if her getting flowers would have woke me up she would have bought herself some weeks ago.
When I was picking up the kids from her parents because she had an appointment at 15:00. Seeing as it would take me two minutes to drive past her street I did at 15:05 and her car was outside. She's lying and I'm angry about that.
I am very lucky that Sandi has taken an interest in my sitch. I'm very greatful to her for that.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
