*From here* it looks like your actual plan is to be passive aggressive/manipulative.
V: Hi X, great to see you. I'm a great person for agreeing to meet with you, but I don't want to have any contact with you anymore because it just hurts me too much:
---Which you seem to want to yield something like...---
V's X: Oh sweetheart, I am sooo sorry I have been so insensitive. I am a terrible person. Please please please let me try harder. I owe you so much compassion and tenderness. How can I ever make up for the terrible pain I caused you? Please give me a chance to grovel!!!
--- So, odds are, things won't play out that way. (Hopefully not, as it would not be good for you, really.) Rather, you'd more likely get:
V's X: Yeah, OK, whatever. I was just trying to be nice and all I get is this drama + guilting. I should have learned by now.
----
Here is something for you: IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It is YOUR job to avoid triggers and to learn to cope with them. It is not anyone else's job to do so. Managing your emotional health is in no way part of XW's job or moral responsibilities.
----
Here's a story for you... In my previous sex-starved M, I was enraged when staying at a hotel when the people next door were having headboard banging sex. I have no idea who they were, I never saw them, it happened once. Yet, I was traumatized, I felt violated. It was horrible for me. I couldn't believe that people could be so horrible and intrusive and insensitive.
Of course, that was pretty crazy of me. There is nothing really wrong about a couple having sex. Perhaps it might have been more considerate to be quieter, maybe. But certainly having sex in a hotel room is not a serious trespass against someone in another hotel room. Geez. It is pretty clear that hearing hot sex triggered me because of all the pain I felt about having a nearly sexless marriage for years.
It would not be reasonable, though, for me to hold the couple responsible for triggering me, or to ask them not to trigger me.
If they were playing extremely loud music in the middle of the night, banging the headboard against the wall, and screaming, then sure, I would have a legitimate complaint.
But, that is because it is a reasonable expectation to be able to sleep at night in a hotel room. This is very different than feeling others are guilty of some harm to me simply because they trigger me. They are MY triggers, my responsibility.
The moral of the story is of course: Get off the idea that XW should do anything to manage your triggers at all. If she is rude or unkind, call her on it. If being around her triggers you, then it is YOUR responsibility to avoid that trigger.
----
What things are there to discuss? It might be helpful to figure out what you want from the meeting, and them frame it in clear, direct, transparent, "I" statements.
V: XW, when I am around you, I find myself triggered to relive trauma. I am sad because I love you and would like for us to have a healthy relationship. I find myself blaming you for triggering me, but it is really my choice to expose myself to things that you do innocently but which trigger me. So, to take care of my own emotional health, I need to ... (which among these or others might it be???)
---ask for my wish for no contact to be respected. ---ask if you are willing to hear me share when I have been triggered as this might allow some healing in our relationship. ---ask if you can nevertheless mind read and predict the future so that you can carefully avoid doing anything that might trigger me ---ask if you will express deep remorse and regret repeatedly and pat my back and hold me and make me feel better ---ask you to wake up and come back to me ---ask you to show me all your guilt and shame --- ask you to work on some communication ground rules for respectful communication and respectful disagreement with me
What is it you seek? --------
I'm pushing because I don't think you are being straight with yourself.
I heard this recently... "My therapist said, when we say 'I don't know' about what we want, we really DO know." This struck me as very, very true.
