Me 10 months on. Dark and detaching still.

[JuneReN]

Okay...when you don't do what people expect, something is wrong. That's just the way it goes.

W was out of bounds, for sure. That is messing in your livelihood and not acceptable (to me) at all.

The tattoo thing is going to haunt you for a while.. MY take? make it into something else and let people know when they ask. Kind of a fake it til you make it strategy.

Start wondering why you are viewed negatively...is it your attitude? Are you Eeyore?

Stop what iffing...it will kill you slowly, just wait. See what happens and make plans from there. Today is passing you by and guess what? There's not another one.

[TryingToDo180]

Oh my, I go to sleep for a few hours and wake up to all this drama, lol HWA, by the sounds of it your principal thinks you're depressed. I think I would go and see you doctor and get a letter from him/her to tell the principal that you are no longer depressed.
I also think your W was out of order discussing things to your principal. At least though it shows she is concerned about you and still worries about you (or maybe she;s being a b*tch?).
Other than that, I would do nothing for a few days. Let all this silliness ride over. Keep up with your PMA, be happy and cheerful around your collegues.
One thing though that got me curious. Do you zone out when people are talking to you or you're watching TV or reading a book? I do this when I'm thinking about other things or I'm tired or depressed. I have to either rewind the TV or reread my book from the top of the page again lol. Are you getting enough sleep? Sometimes lack of sleep can make you zone out. If it is normally in the staff room that you zone out, then maybe if you've got a lot on your mind take yourself off for a short walk. That way the staff won't be concerned about you.
Keep up your PMA, you're doing so well Rise above this incident and don't let it drag you down

[hotwheelsaust]

Thank you for the reply Ruby. I think the W was out of place too. What do you mean by making the tattoo into something else? If anyone asked about it, I told them it was as a positive for me.

Am I Eeyoure, I don't think I am. I have fun at work, most teachers say I am always fun, happy and smiling. Don't simply know anymore. Yes, I used to be or say a lot of negatives around people, not about them, but about the subjects being spoken. If that question was asked pre BD, I would say yes, now, I have made sure I don't say anything negative.

I am really not trying to "what if" about things, but explore other answers. More trying to ask questions about whether I should look at different approaches to things etc.

Even all this talk from the boss hasn't affected me anywhere near what it would of back in the days. What I am trying to do is work out why? What can I do to make it better?

Most of the questioning was more along the lines of: should I change my approach to the sitch? Should I do something different? What and how? If the W feels that I am possibly in the frame of mind that I don't know what I am doing, what can I do to change that view? I felt I was doing a pretty good job of improvement, with positive talks to the boys, no facebook negatives, good phone conversations. Considering she doesn't see me, or talk to me. This has all been based on her seeing or hearing about the tattoo picture.

Today is passing me by, but, I agreed to go to a 15km cross country run tomorrow with a parent today. Not bad considering the talk with the boss and my throat feels like a desert.

[AnotherStander]

* Firstly that I have lost a lot of weight and look downbeat.
* That I am not listening to other teachers when they talk to me. This is presumably when they say "get over it" or "move on" rather than on a professional level.
* They worry that I may cause harm to myself.
* They worry when I had 3 alcoholic drinks at dinner last week, when I don't normally drink.
* The boss worries about my behaviour if and when the transfer doesn't come in. He doesn't seem positive about the transfer either.

OK, well I think it's a bit nosey (especially the 3 drinks part) but apply your DB'ing and look at this as an opportunity for improvement. It seems the sentiment is more than anything that you're acting depressed. If you're not seeing an IC then you should, because people in mild to moderate depression often don't know they are in it (I have first-hand experience with that). So see an IC and try and discover if maybe you are depressed, and discuss treatment options. Above all else, work on that PMA!!

[TryingToDo180]

I sort of agree with AS, but I think it is more of a case of teachers and the boss acting on hearsay. If you go to the docs and get the letter then he/she may be able to tell if you're depressed and act on it. Sorry AS, I know you're a vet on here but at the moment that's what I believe is happening.
Do you think your boss is trying to sabotage your transfer? What is your boss normally like to work for? Has he changed since you and your W separated?
As you know, some people's attitudes change when you split up from your partner. I've lost a few friends since my H left me.
It could be stress or lack of sleep that may sometimes affect you negatively. Go and have a check up anyway, it can't do any harm Some people can't cope with the sitch and this could be the case with your boss and the teachers.
Just another thought. Have any of the teachers started acting different to you or is there anyone who backstabs amongst the teaching staff? I've worked at schools before and you do get backstabbing at times and rumours spreading.

[Wonka]

HWA,

Whatever you do...do not talk to W at all. Let her approach you and bring up whatever topics she chooses to do.

The principal talking to you about these issues suggests that there's an office gossip going around the teacher's lounge and it stinks that he brought these up to you. One, it is nice that they're concerned about you and seem to care about you. I question why your W spoke to the principal as it seems overreaching on her part. There's a part of me that wonders if W is planting some seeds to portray you in a negative light. Again, that's assuming the worst from W.

Back in my previous post, it is best to lay low and do some damage control by posting positive, upbeat, and innocuous topics on your FB page. Then do what my friend Bets (Underdog) does...put on your best Bob Barker face...and fake it until you make it. You've seen the tv show The Price Is Right with Bob Barker as the host, right? You've seen how he smiles perpetually and spreads the good cheer around during the show that generates good feelings and goodwill among contestants/audience members.

Can you do that at your workplace? I think so too! Keep up with the good stuff and ignore the naysayers.

[adinva]

Hi there, sorry you had such an uncomfortable talk with your principal. I think one big takeaway from this thread is that you interpret people not agreeing with you as a problem for you. "I am wrong" or "they think I am wrong." Grow up, stiffen your backbone, and allow people to disagree with you. If you are being misrepresented or misinterpreted, sometimes you have to just let it go, and sometimes you get an opportunity to correct the other person with your own interpretation (not always or you are being controlling and irritating). And sometimes, just sometimes, what they say is worth listening to, not in a "oh god I'm always doing the wrong thing" way but in a "gee it's interesting how I seem to be coming across and what can I modify to come across differently" way.

For what it's worth, from a complete stranger and not privy to your reasonings and meanings, I found your tattoo alarming. It said no second chances right? I think you can expect that people who don't know you very very well are going to interpret that as an angry statement toward your ex that you had permanently inked onto your body. I'm sorry to say that but if you want to know where your W and principal might be coming from, I'll add a stranger's opinion.

Now, you certainly can't be someone who gets tattoos and then get all squeamish about people's opinions. It's there, it's meaningful to you, and it causes some people to be alarmed about you. That seems to be a fact. So in my opinion, this is one to brush off. Let it go. They've said their piece. If your principal has said this and then goes on to see how well adjusted and happy you are managing to life a good life while coping with an enormous amount of stress and transition, then all will settle down and the tattoo will not be an issue. It's just one of several reasons people are concerned that you might not be handling things well. If you ARE in fact handling things well, then their concern is going to dissipate on its own.

If you get a chance, you might welcome the opportunity to talk about your tattoo and what it means to you since without any context it seems likely it's being misinterpreted.

Let backstabbing ideas and W being out of line, IMO, go. Let it go. Resolve their concerns by being OK rather than by trying to control what is said about you.

If your inner sense of how you're doing doesn't match what you're hearing from the outside, think about some things to tweak. Smile more? Meet concern with a "you know, it's tough but I can manage it and I'm feeling good" and change the subject. Don't allow people farther into your personal issues than they need to be, so you don't need to explain to your principal or friends or anyone that you are or arent on ADs or why or when. That's not their business! Their business is, are you OK? Which you can smile and say, doing better every day thanks.

I don't know what it is that I've learned on here, but I'm finding that when people express their concern to me and I say something about how good I feel even though it's sad things will be better than before, and whatever...half the time they say OMG you're the most cheerful person I know you'll be fine and they start to tell me THEIR woe stories and I end up comforting THEM.

I was not like this when I arrived here, believe me. You can fake it till you make it and project the confidence and peace to put people at ease and have confidence in you.

I know you can do it because you feel it on the inside. Just need to project it.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks to all for the replies. Let me start by saying, I am not being negative about the talk with the boss, I am trying to see things in a different perspective to what I thought was fine. A bit like most of our sitch's.
Firstly, the tattoo, yes, bad choice to put it on Facebook. But it's done. The only person that matters, my W, knows the meaning of it. But if given the chance I will discuss it in a different more understanding way to her. And validate her feelings.
Secondly, I have shown a PMA at our school for a long time. Constantly asked by fellow teaches and staff why I am always so happy. So to be told I am looking depressed has me scratching my head, as to how I could even try to fix it. I am one of the only few people in this school (a very low esteem among staff)who quite happily chat to different staff members, who visits the lunch room (very few teachers do) who moves around and says hello each morning.
Doesn't mean that don't know what is going on with me, and how I am hurting, but I am trying to show no negativity with me or against others/school/life.

HWA, by the sounds of it your principal thinks you're depressed. I think I would go and see you doctor and get a letter from him/her to tell the principal that you are no longer depressed.
I also think your W was out of order discussing things to your principal. At least though it shows she is concerned about you and still worries about you (or maybe she;s being a b*tch?).

One thing though that got me curious. Do you zone out when people are talking to you or you're watching TV or reading a book?

TTD180, the principal is a very controlling, demanding and all for him person. Therefore a lot of the conversation would be to cover him. I could think about getting a letter from the doctor, I don't know how that would go and whether I should do it anyway. It does still show to me the W cares (maybe I should simply focus on that as the positive), I certainly don't think she is doing this to be a b**ch, that is simply not her. And I wouldn't think otherwise. The zone out again I don't understand. Yes before BD, if someone would talk to me when I was on the computer, I would continue doing the work and kinda half listen. Now I have turned that around, I will stop what I am doing and make eye contact while they are talking. The only zone out I could think of, if it is school we are talking about is the staff meetings. Which in all honesty everyone zones out at. It is not like they are lively at our school, where everyone is up and talking asking questions. Our meetings are dead, everyone simply wants to get out asap, so no one talks, eats, laughs or ask questions. So I am no different to any other teacher at those meetings.

OK, well I think it's a bit nosey (especially the 3 drinks part) but apply your DB'ing and look at this as an opportunity for improvement. It seems the sentiment is more than anything that you're acting depressed. If you're not seeing an IC then you should, because people in mild to moderate depression often don't know they are in it (I have first-hand experience with that). So see an IC and try and discover if maybe you are depressed, and discuss treatment options. Above all else, work on that PMA!!

I agree it also is a bit nosey. Maybe the boss (and others) are simply not looking at any individual things I do, but everything together. I could understand if I went to the dinner and got totally plastered, as being a sign of out of control, but really, 3 drinks. Wherever they have seen me drink or not before, that one simply [censored]. Again, like my reply to TTD180, I might go to the doctor and get rechecked. I was on AD before the BD, and went off them cold turkey before Christmas. I felt they didn't allow me to be more positive when I wanted to be. After reading the DB books and other self help books I knew I was being held back by the AD. Even now I feel no need to have them, and personally, I don't feel any of the issues that I had back then for me to require them again. All I can do is continue to PMA. That is what this whole questioning is about, what more can I do.

Do you think your boss is trying to sabotage your transfer? What is your boss normally like to work for? Has he changed since you and your W separated?

It could be stress or lack of sleep that may sometimes affect you negatively. Go and have a check up anyway, it can't do any harm Some people can't cope with the sitch and this could be the case with your boss and the teachers.
Just another thought. Have any of the teachers started acting different to you or is there anyone who backstabs amongst the teaching staff? I've worked at schools before and you do get backstabbing at times and rumours spreading.

TTD180, I don't think the boss is trying to sabotage the transfer, if anything, I think he wants me out, so he doesn't have to deal with the issues. The boss is a bully, simple as that. That is not my view, but view of many of the other teachers. He will take anything said and use it against you, many months down the track. He will surprise you with something you said ages ago, like he holds things in waiting for the right moment. Nearly all the staff want to get out of this school because of him. No teachers have acted differently to me, apart from "move on" and "we have divorced, it happens, get over it" kind of talk. We have 3 backstabbing teachers at our school, and I like other staff, don't discuss anything to them apart from what is necessary school discussions.
The lack of sleep is probably the one thing I need to see a doctor for. It is not affecting me, with what I see or feel. But I do know that I am not getting enough sleep and/or find it hard to go to sleep.

Whatever you do...do not talk to W at all. Let her approach you and bring up whatever topics she chooses to do.

I question why your W spoke to the principal as it seems overreaching on her part. There's a part of me that wonders if W is planting some seeds to portray you in a negative light. Again, that's assuming the worst from W.

Back in my previous post, it is best to lay low and do some damage control by posting positive, upbeat, and innocuous topics on your FB page. Then do what my friend Bets (Underdog) does...put on your best Bob Barker face...and fake it until you make it. You've seen the tv show The Price Is Right with Bob Barker as the host, right?

Wonka, I will not be contacting the W, she will need to initiate any contact. I do wonder why the W brought the subject up to the principals. Presumably (mindreading) she would have spoken to her boss, for whatever reason, her boss then contacted mine. So maybe it wasn't the W wanting my boss to know, but just simply our sitch being passed on. While I truly believe my W wouldn't do anything nasty, I also have to have a small seed in the back of my mind, that maybe she did. She is an alien now. Only positives on Facebook. Yes.
The Bob Barker face has been at the school for a long time, that is why the questioning about some of the comments made. But I am reading a book about smiling "smile" by Ron Gutman.

And sometimes, just sometimes, what they say is worth listening to, not in a "oh god I'm always doing the wrong thing" way but in a "gee it's interesting how I seem to be coming across and what can I modify to come across differently" way.

For what it's worth, from a complete stranger and not privy to your reasonings and meanings, I found your tattoo alarming. It said no second chances right? I think you can expect that people who don't know you very very well are going to interpret that as an angry statement toward your ex that you had permanently inked onto your body. I'm sorry to say that but if you want to know where your W and principal might be coming from, I'll add a stranger's opinion.

If you get a chance, you might welcome the opportunity to talk about your tattoo and what it means to you since without any context it seems likely it's being misinterpreted.

Let backstabbing ideas and W being out of line, IMO, go. Let it go. Resolve their concerns by being OK rather than by trying to control what is said about you.

Don't allow people farther into your personal issues than they need to be, so you don't need to explain to your principal or friends or anyone that you are or arent on ADs or why or when. That's not their business! Their business is, are you OK? Which you can smile and say, doing better every day thanks.

they start to tell me THEIR woe stories and I end up comforting THEM.

I know you can do it because you feel it on the inside. Just need to project it.

Adinva, what they are saying is what I what I am listening to. I do want to modify what I am coming across like. That was the whole point of my comments. I view me as being or showing PMA, it doesn't come across that way, so what can I do? This is not about me whingieng or crying poor me. It is about me wanting to show changes, but how?
I can understand how you and anyone not privy to the tattoo statement could take it. As I mentioned before though, the W is privvy to the statement, she made it. But I accept it was wrong to put on Facebook in the way I did it. I could have or should have added a statement if needed, or better still not do it. I have explained the meaning of the tattoo to both my sons and friends who I talk to. Haven't explained the tattoo to W's family as no contact.
I don't feel the talk with the boss is for any backstabbing reasons or that the W is trying to be nasty. Simply the idea is not there. So no need to worry about that.

Funny about hearing people's woe stories, because that is all I hear from a lot of the teachers. That is another kind of thing I question. I try to show PMA at school, a lot of teachers feel comfortable telling me their woes and worries, without listening to mine or asking or being told mine. And I offer the comforting replies.

Thanks again everyone for offering your feedback. Please understand, this whole boss statement is for me to try and improve or change, because I thought I was doing good, especially at work. It is not a whinge or gripe, even though it might come across that way (I need to learn to write in a better more understanding way).
My comments were based on trying (as we all are) to improve ourselves with the hope of R with the WAS. My real concern is that what I have been portraying or trying to improve over the last 10 months, feels like it has backfired or come across as totally wrong. This is what I am wanting to fix or change. If my W feels that I am out of control or in danger of hurting myself 10 months down the track, what am I portraying myself as? I thought I was portraying myself as an improvement? I thought I was trying to portray myself as GAL?

[GALbaby]

Good for you HWA. Its good for you to air your thoughts here. Negative or positive. Its a good outlet, especially since its hard to vent to people close to your sitch who may take things the wrong way. I think the discussion here is healthy and proactive, especially since opinions are different on the subject, and hopefully it helps to put things into perspective for you. I think you are doing that just great.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi HWA, I think you got a lot of posts about this as you said in one of your threads - Just scratching my head wondering where I go with all of this.
I think that the other posters thought you needed help to make sense of all this.
I know that you are a positive person anyway and I tried not to let my posts sound negative or preaching
It must be awful working for a boss like that, I bet you'll be glad to move!
I've had a boss like that before and nothing you say or do will make him change his mind about you. Forget what I said about getting a letter from the doctor, I would just ignore these issues from now on! Don't speak to the staff about them or the wife. Forget about it, that's my advice to you Easier said than done I know! lol. I would've probably had a b**ch about the boss to the team by now, lol. I must learn to hold my tongue!
Anyway, just my two cents worth