Me 10 months on. Dark and detaching still.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Mimi30 and GALbaby. I was actually quite composed speaking with the boss. Well as much as I could with a croaky voice.
While I accept a lot of it is caring from people, some of it still peeves me off. While I at times have struggled with the sitch, I have made sure it has never been seen bad while at work. So it really baffles me.
It also baffles me the W needed to speak to her principal about getting a tattoo. How can getting a tattoo make it seem like I am out of control?
My weight loss was/is quite a big difference, but, in saying that, I am at a very acceptable weight for my age and height. Lost some muscle mass. I am keeping at this weight because I continue to exercise daily, nothing over the top. I eat 3 regular meals a day.
Drinks? I have never been a regular drinker, usually the New Year's type of drinker, and a happy drunk as well. This time I decided to have two drinks at home and order some out. Not obnoxious behaviour at all.
What really hurts, is the regular actions that I am always doing something wrong. I mentioned this a few pages back. It seems like I can never doing anything right. It feels just like this again. I get a tattoo, I am wrong. I put a picture on facebook, I am wrong. I have some drinks while out, I am wrong. I get upset my W of 23 years has left me, I am wrong. I still care about her after 10 months, I am wrong.
Some of the conversation really sounded like it was expected/thought that I was chasing/annoying/criticising the wife on social media, through friends etc. I calmly explained I haven't had contact with the W for over 4 weeks, no texts, no emails, no nothing. The photo was posted on Facebook to everyone and did not include any nasty comments with it.
Yes GALbaby, I did tell the principal I am doing ok, and that it is still a rollercoaster ride. I explained calmly again, that I have lost all my family, I worry about my boys (how or what may be said to them), I am dealing with all the payments of mortgages/insurance/registrations/phone, I have a flatmate moved in with me within 2 weeks of the W going. I am left with all the furniture to try and store or move out so the flatmate can be entitled to his share of the house. I only have a room with my mum on the holidays at her retirement village to stay at when visiting my sons. I cannot access my bike interests due to it being stored away, another separation issue. I have to deal with solicitors and splitting our assets. I told him I have no control over any of these. He then says he worries about what might happen when I find out I cannot transfer. I told him, I cannot guarantee what will happen either, but I can guarantee I am not going to do something to myself. I might quit (depending on the house issue ie no more mortgage), I might take a year off, I might just accept it. Who knows. I told him I am not worrying about that, until it happens (more of what I have learnt).
He asked about anti-depressants, and I quite comfortably told him I was on them last year until December. He asked if the doctor told me to stop, nope, I stopped myself. But the psychologist and marriage councellors both knew at the time. Even the W did.
Simply said, I am not depressed, I am upset over the sitch, and I will have good and bad days. You cannot simply end a 23 marriage without being upset. Big difference upset and depressed, I now know the difference between the two and know which one I see every so often.
Mimi, I was planning on verbally convincing the W, but offering a possibility of talking to her about her concerns. It was just an option, not something I plan to do.
One last thing, while I believe the W isn't saying/doing this to be nasty. It does seem weird to contact her principal over me getting a tattoo, but also the W did just start going to a psychologist last week??????
Nothing I can do, nothing I will do (negative wise). All this is about how I feel, how it seems I am viewed negatively always, no matter what I try to do.
I am not even depressed or angry about these issues or talk with the boss today. Just scratching my head wondering where I go with all of this.