My wife is still telling the OM "I love you" on the phone. She goes to the bathroom but doesn't realize that I can hear what she is saying through the walls. Grrr......I over heard hear say that a couple of times today this evening. Then she made a comment to him saying "friends don't give each others kisses" followed by the comment that if she can stop by his apartment tomorrow. This drives me nuts. I know I can't focus on that but it still bothers me.
Quote:
RED FLAG!! DO NOT BLOW IT AND DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE THIS REQUEST.
YOU HAVE NEGLECTED/ABUSED HER AND SHE IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS...PLAN THIS OUT NOW.
What are you afraid of?
I think you are right about the anniversary. I am thinking about getting her some nice diamond studs, taking her to a nice steak house and sending her a bunch of roses to her work. I also plan on putting a bunch of balloons and decorating our bedroom. I thought about getting some rose petals and putting those on the bed and floor but not sure about that. I am really thinking about writing her card and telling her something among the lines that I love her and want to be in her life, etc etc. I would really like to tell her how I really feel and that I am sorry about the past and that I want to make our marriage work without mentioning OM. Do you think that is a good idea?
Quote:
I understand why her heart got hard and don’t blame her for cheating on me. My heart also got hard this past year and now I am at a place where I want true healing and reconciliation to take place. She is already forgiven in my books. The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself. I think the next hardest thing is going to be for us to learn to trust each other. She is so afraid that I am going to go back to my old ways and I am scared that she will continue the affair. My family is worth the fight and effort though. I am working on being the support husband she needs by being there when she needs me too and by validating her feelings.
Why don't you tell her all this?? ^^^^ Certainly, if it comes out, this would be the way you ought to speak to her.
I so badly want to tell her how I feel. In early July she asked me what was going on since I had done a lot of changes to myself. I told her then how I felt and she responded that I was being fake and that I didn't sound genuine. A week or so later she told me that I was not giving her enough space and that I was trying to make her love me. So being that that was just a month ago - that explains why I get hesitant.
Quote:
What are you waiting for to take more initiative? Just curious.
My wife is on a roller coaster ride. She sometimes will be inviting and other times she will flat out tell me to get off her bed. It's hard to tell if I should make a move or back off - so I tend to err on the side of caution. I so much want to go all out and shower her with love and attention but she is not always receptive so it makes it hard for me.
Quote:
Worry less about being pushy, (= showing your desire for her?) and more about looking wishy washy and lazy or cheap. Just saying...
I agree. I think she can forgive if I over pursue but looking like a fake or wish washy would be a huge turn off for her
Quote:
SHOW her how. That's what Retrovaille is about. It gives you tools for change, which you both need.
Stop waiting til there is zero chance of rejection but be ready for it. So do this with NO expectation and no crestfallen looks. Just cope. Handle this. Be confident.
Be the man she fell in love with, but even better b/c you REALLY GET IT NOW...
I would love to go to retrovaille or do anything else that would show a tangible effort on wanting the marriage to work. I am just not sure about this right now. I think it will put to much pressure on her. Maybe in a couple of more weeks or months - I'll have to think about this before I suggest
Quote:
What is your risk by being that way and pursuing your marriage first? What could you "lose" by risking your heart now? I don't get it.
I can see if SHE TOLD you to back off, but I must have missed that.
What I hear and see is a woman desparate to believe her h can finally, truly, change.
I really do want to pursue. I think right now I think she still needs time to see that the changes will last. I've tested the waters so the speak with mixed results (small gifts here and there, etc). Her love language is gifts and quality time - but she has been rejected those approaches in the past weeks and only recently has been receptive (but not always receptive - still on the roller coaster)
Quote:
Get on the bull and ride it. Demonstrate the love you SAY you feel. Today...geez...
I'm trying but so many times it feels like my efforts go unnoticed. I know that she does notice but is waiting to see if they will last. I so much want to pamper her with gifts, quality time, dates, and just spending time together. I've asked her out for lunch several times last week and this week and got rejected (more like she had excuses why she couldn't go). It hurts the more because several of those days that I asked she went out with OM for lunch. Grrr....ouch. Very frustrating and it hurts.
Quote:
THANK GOD! Make sure you tell her YOU are going to work on YOUR stuff too. You should NOT make this all about her affair or OM, but about YOU and YOUR STUFF...
I honestly can't wait to see the counselor. I've been talking to a deacon friend and my best friend but I think seeing a professional would help. My emotions are still all over the place and the pain is very much still there. Sometimes I feel like I am riding on false hope. That this nightmare will never end. I hate this journey. I know that I must persevere but I hate feeling this way. The last 5 months have been miserable and filled with sadness, pain, grief. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I salute all the people who have fought for their marriages for months and years in spite of the circumstances and pain. My heart is so shattered and my self-esteem is so down the toilet right now. I am literally faking it till I make it. Being in the same house as my wife is sometimes hard as I never really know what mood she is going to be in and it is really hard not being close and connected with her. Marriage is about being one, about being a team, about relying and being interdependent on each other. So it is difficulty not experiencing that. I get so mad at myself for allowing things to get to this point. I blame myself for how things are at. I am being strong and confident around my wife but the reality is that I am weak and broken. I wish I could just be honest with her and tell her how devastated and sorry I am. That I screwed up and want more than anything to make our marriage work, to sacrifice and do what is necessary to give her the love and attention she deserves. Scream.....I am really sad right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but I don't know. My best friend tells me I should get some medication for depression/anxiety. Not sure about that but this emotional roller coaster is taking a toll on me.
