Suckerpunch, moving ahead one way or another!

[adinva]

I personally would say "whatever" and find something else to do that particular night that's way more fun.

I have had a lot more time to process this than you, and I've let go of a lot of anger because I just don't want to be that person. It's not going to change my H if I'm "right," or if I'm "justifiably angry," or if I'm "setting boundaries about him and OP." It's not going to change anything externally. But internally I'm in a much better place because frankly I don't care who he's with. We are history. Over. I cannot change that, and I'd best get on with getting over it, so that's what I'm trying to do.

I think W showed some tact and sensitivity by bringing this up. I think she expected you to pitch a fit and you're giving her just what she expected.

She's not with you anymore. She doesn't want to be with you anymore. Liking someone new after you've been separated a while is not unexpected. She's not doing it TO you. And if you have to be there watching them because it's your job (really?) then be gracious rather than trying to control the entire situation and wanting to evict her and punch him. It's not attractive. I don't think it's who you want to be. I believe you don't think you have any control over how you feel, but you do.

What if it was 10 years from now, and she's moved on and you've moved on, will you still feel like her having a significant other on your family's campground upon the invitation of another group of people, warrants a reaction from you?

[MrCAS]

I am not being hypocritical. Not by a long shot.

I came home to find my house empty.

She took all the furniture save for a couple of things she didn't want... Her and OM went through my LP collection and he took what he wanted... There was piss crust all over the outer bowls of both toilets... There was mold rings on the inside of the bowls... there was mold growing in the sink.... there was dried dog vomit and feces on the wood floors... all the boxes of my stuff from Niagara Falls are gone... The basement was full of trash... the refrigerator was filthy... there were cobwebs in every room... the lawn hadn't been mowed all year... There was a can full of dog crap in the yard... there was even more than I feel like getting into here.

Other than asking for the LPs and some other stuff (I got one LP and most of the other stuff) I said absolutely NOTHING. Not a word.

Why? Because there was no point. She did or didn't do whatever. Getting angry with her about would have solved nothing.

You did not "simply ask" your W anything. You demanded.

IMO, opinion, you come here looking for justification for your actions and absolution for poor behavior.

I can't control things that make me angry. I can and do control how I react to them, though.

What would I do if my W came here with her BF? I would leave. I would go somewhere else. It takes a bigger man to walk away than to get into his face... to make demands... to make threats. WHy don't you find somewhere else to be that night? Go bowling... golfing... go out of town... Why set yourself up for a confrontation?

You are constantly contradicting yourself. First you have an anger issue and then you don't... You don't need anger management then you don't and then you do...

Pick a course, SP, and stay on the path.

[swoop]

Advina, Cas.....maybe I am still just too wound up over this. What you both say makes perfect sense. Clearly my emotions are playing a huge factor in this. I thought I was controlling myself pretty well, but maybe I am not. I really didn't think that what I have actually "done", was out of line at all. Maybe I am being the jerk. I thought it was her.....

So, what is my course to being a better man, BUT one that will not allow me to be a completely broken man? I DO NEED to protect myself emotionally. How do I proceed with wife and OM? Do I just continue to be hurt and bear that pain? I mean how do I handle it?

[lovethehub]

So, what is my course to being a better man, BUT one that will not allow me to be a completely broken man? I DO NEED to protect myself emotionally. How do I proceed with wife and OM? Do I just continue to be hurt and bear that pain? I mean how do I handle it?

How much more does it really make it hurt if they are at your campground together than knowing they are together? Honestly.

If she hadn't told you, as someone pointed out earlier, you probably wouldn't even know.

You can not protect yourself through your W's actions, only through your reactions - or lack thereof.

Stop trying to justify your behavior which is really just you and your pride. Call BS on yourself.

[swoop]

Interesting way of looking at it, LTH. Call BS on myself....huhm. I may have to start thinking of ways like this to refocus my mind. I am not saying that I am open to him coming here, but I do know I will have to get passed this sort of thing eventually. I cringe to think what it will be like for me, if he shows up to some of my daughters school activities, with the way I feel now....geeeeez.

I do know it hurts much more to see it, than it does to simply know it's happening. While it is upsetting to know that wife has moved into a new committed relationship, last week when I saw them in person it hurt MUCH deeper.

Not knowing what our setup is here, you probably imagine I wouldn't see it even if he did come out. I am pretty sure I would see it undoubtedly. I am out on the grounds continuously, covering every inch of this place day in and day out. That is part of the operation.

[MrCAS]

I can't tell you how to handle it. I can only tell you how I might handle it.

I can relate to being wound up. I know how I feel when I am there.

What do I do here?

I divide my brain and heart into two halves... Emotions to the left... Rational thoughts to the right... Have a seat, boys. Let's talk this out... Emotions, you have the floor... Speak your peace. Rational thoughts, you're up next... Okay, let's compromise.

Being strong doesn't mean I have to a dick or a bully. Being calm and compromising doesn't mean I have to be a doormat, either.

I owe myself an obligation to make myself as financially as whole as possible after my W divorces me. It doesn't make me a bad guy. Agreeing to terms in the property settlement doesn't mean I am caving in. Minnesota calls for "Fair and Equitable". It is mandated by the state. Why waste time, energy, and emotions for something that is going to happen anyways?

That is why I am not contesting the divorce. Delaying it is not going to stop it. What it does for me, though, is making easier to accept it. Acceptance is a big part of moving on. Acceptance takes a huge edge off of the pain.

I took ownership of what I did. I take ownership of what I do... how I react... the words that come out of my mouth. Anything my W has done or said didn't "make" me do anything. I chose my reactions.

So, what is your next step?

[labug]

So, what is my course to being a better man, BUT one that will not allow me to be a completely broken man?

SP, no one can break you, but you.

[RockJC]

Just in case you think you are totally alone, I want you to know that I agree with you. I think it is a legitimate boundary and you have a right to be upset about it.

You are also still married. Even though she has emotionally left and you are physically seperated, she has no business being with the OM, let alone bringing him to your property.

I think you are 100% right.

But, I am reminded a lot lately that life isn't fair and I can't imagine what you have to gain by fighting this fight. Apparently you like the drama. Like someone else said, it is time to let it go.

This is a hard lesson that I am trying to learn myself.

[swoop]

I think acceptance is a big portion of my moving on. I have mostly realized the things that trigger me, and for the most part I can avoid that. This situation definitely put my feathers in a bunch though. I just don't like the disrespect, and there is no other way for me to see this. My wife bringing another man, while we are still married, to my property to socialize is a slap in the face. With that said, I do need to pick the fights that need fighting, and that is going to be in regards to securing my financial future and time with my daughter. I am going to let wife run around, play, vacation and what have you, while I start to focus more on the important aspects. I need to accept that this marriage is over. I am not going to turn it around. I am not sure that I could hold my head up, even if it could be turned around. Too much damage has been done to our lives. Therefore, I need to accept it and make the things happen that I NEED to have happen.....I need to think about myself 5 years from now.

La, you're right. I am broken because of myself. I allowed this all to affect me very deeply. I need to stop that, but HOW?

Cas, thanks for the words of encouragement. I DO NEED to change my focus on what is important, what is real and what is simply an emotion.

[MrBond]

What you have to understand is that she is not YOUR wife. You don't own her. She is free to as she wishes as much as you can. They are her choices. As long as she "lives" on the campground there is a certain amount of access she needs. If you want to make things better on that front, then have your family kick her out.

It won't do your D any good, but you don't want to deal with her and OM so kick her out. And anyhow, you filed for D, so there really is no disrespect. She is technically a free woman.