Surviving Infidelity

[2chiquitos]

I haven't posted in a while because **sigh** coming on here really brings me down. Reading through other people's grief is so difficult for me. I go back to that ugly place and struggle to get myself out. I decided to step away and come back every so often when I am good inside.

H n I have been doing pretty well. He continues to be affectionate and work on being a good partner. I can tell that he brings things up when he's upset where before he would keep it inside. I, on the other hand, work on filtering what I say since I tend to say a lot. Keeping it simple.

We found out we're pregnant. Six weeks. We had talked about a 3rd but I wanted to wait. So it was a shock to me. I felt very disconnected before finding out and seriously thought God was playing a joke on me. I'm not laughing.

Waiting for me meant that we would be more secure in our relationship. Hopefully by then I wouldn't have so many triggers and I could enjoy his company more without remembering things.

What this news did was force me to really work on forgiving. Every time I get the ugly memory of the past I pray to God to help me. I continue going to Al Anon and work the program. I listen and make phone calls. I try to do more but I'm just so darn sleepy all day that anytime I get a chance to read or journal I'd rather nap.

I am fortunate that I am at a place where I have so much patience for my kids. They are amazing and when they are having their issues I respond in a gentle loving way. I hope that continues when #3 arrives.

I can detect when I am going through a depressive state and it's not something someone did or said or a trigger that caused me to feel this way. I accept it's a chemical imbalance and I hold on tight to the roller coaster. I put on make up, leave the house or invite friends over for play dates. I try just about anything to snap out of it until I get to a meeting and I'm home free. There I can let it out.

I keep you all in my thoughts.