Surviving Infidelity

[2chiquitos]

labug, you are really making me think ;-)

I'm going to steal you know who's line: From this day forward.

I know you're working on it, just want to give you some encouragement in what must be such a difficult time.

Can you continue to be in a R with him if he can't tell you those things you need to hear?
I don't know. I'm hoping that I'm able to communicate my needs better since I'm barely learning to do it in a healthy constructive way

Can you accept that the R was "that bad" for him?
if it was all that bad then he was such a great actor. I would be worried of the present. he seems happy now, how do I know he's not faking it?

Love you, beautiful Vero! love you too! can't wait to see you again!

[Valeska19]

I get how hard it is. I have a hard time stepping forward with my X and we aren't even together...

.. but here's the thing... it has to be different than before. Girl I know you are hurt and I know how daunting the work that you have to do is....

but you must do it if this relationship stands a shot.

Next time you have a trigger.. don't run from him... run TO him.

I experienced this in Yosemite. I hit some nasty triggers and instead of running towards my friends.. I tried to "protect" them from my triggers.

This was a HUGE mistake! The moment I ran TOWARDS them.. was when my triggers went away and I could enjoy myself.

Now I know its different. I don't run towards my x.. but I am thinking that if she is showing my positive signs.. that maybe I should.....

... and I guess I'm challenging you to do the same. It's truly the only way to move forward and start building the trust in relationship.

Maybe sit down with him (when you're not triggered) and discuss it and what you would like from him.... then be brave enough to try it.

The worst that can happen is that he doesn't want to.. but at least you will then know what kind of relationship you have.


You ARE strong enough Vero. Step boldly.

(((( ))))

[keep_going]

I like this, Val. I think we can apply that to all our R.

If instead of running away from pain and those who cause it, we can run towards them and show vulnerability, things could be so much different. If not better with those people who hurt us, at least we would know what is real and what is not, based on their reaction to us and our openness.

Fear... Doesn't it always seem to be in the way?

Vero - I agree. YOU CAN DO THIS.

((((vero & val)))))

[2chiquitos]

Thank you ladies! Sending you lots of (((hugs)))

MC told me to do the same. Do the opposite of avoiding him. I get the riggers at night when i'm putting D2 to sleep. The last thing I want to do is spend time with him. I force myself to get out of the room and watch TV with him. I enjoy spending time with him but these triggers create a wall that I have to push my way through.

IC told me that I need to see what these triggers are telling me then I can communicate it with H and ask him for what I need. For example, these memories make me feel unloved by you. Remind me by telling me you love me.

That example sounds great but it doesn't help me the least bit. When he told me that he loves me, I don't respond. I smile but I feel like I grow this thick skin where his words don't seep through. Now I know how he felt before BD.

I'm not in love with him. I love him and care for him but I don't feel at all excited about spending time with him. When we ML, I enjoy it but it's not the same. God I hope he never reads this. He's not one to spy but it would be awful if he did.

[2chiquitos]

OMG! I went to delete that last paragraph and I submitted it instead!! AAAHHHH

[StubbornDyke]

Remember that your feelings will evolve. In a good way if you're doing all the hard work you're doing.

And you can email the mods to get them to edit for you if you need to.

Hang in there. If you look back you'll see that you've made amazing progress.

[labug]

Having been married 4 times longer than you and H have been together, I can say that you don't always feel "in love". That's a myth. Yes you still love them and you have a commitment to them and the children and you just keep working on things, knowing as SD said, feelings will evolve and change.

The key is to keep working on you, doing things that make you happy, having your own life away from H and the kids and when there isn't so much pressure on being "in love" you might find that you are again.

[labug]

I just read this elsewhere:

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

[TSquared2]

I can say that you don't always feel "in love". That's a myth. Yes you still love them and you have a commitment to them and the children and you just keep working on things, knowing as SD said, feelings will evolve and change.

The key is to keep working on you, doing things that make you happy, having your own life away from H and the kids and when there isn't so much pressure on being "in love" you might find that you are again.

and

n the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

^^^ need to be drilled into every partner in pre-marriage counseling, by every pastor, priest, justice of the peace, etc, before the vows and during them...

Excellent stuff!

[2chiquitos]

I haven't posted in a while because **sigh** coming on here really brings me down. Reading through other people's grief is so difficult for me. I go back to that ugly place and struggle to get myself out. I decided to step away and come back every so often when I am good inside.

H n I have been doing pretty well. He continues to be affectionate and work on being a good partner. I can tell that he brings things up when he's upset where before he would keep it inside. I, on the other hand, work on filtering what I say since I tend to say a lot. Keeping it simple.

We found out we're pregnant. Six weeks. We had talked about a 3rd but I wanted to wait. So it was a shock to me. I felt very disconnected before finding out and seriously thought God was playing a joke on me. I'm not laughing.

Waiting for me meant that we would be more secure in our relationship. Hopefully by then I wouldn't have so many triggers and I could enjoy his company more without remembering things.

What this news did was force me to really work on forgiving. Every time I get the ugly memory of the past I pray to God to help me. I continue going to Al Anon and work the program. I listen and make phone calls. I try to do more but I'm just so darn sleepy all day that anytime I get a chance to read or journal I'd rather nap.

I am fortunate that I am at a place where I have so much patience for my kids. They are amazing and when they are having their issues I respond in a gentle loving way. I hope that continues when #3 arrives.

I can detect when I am going through a depressive state and it's not something someone did or said or a trigger that caused me to feel this way. I accept it's a chemical imbalance and I hold on tight to the roller coaster. I put on make up, leave the house or invite friends over for play dates. I try just about anything to snap out of it until I get to a meeting and I'm home free. There I can let it out.

I keep you all in my thoughts.