NEW LIFE / NEW ME

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F, you are doing great, but I would think sandi is going to come back and tell you, you are putting too much thought into everything. Relax, we don't always say the right things at the right times. Just remember to change your focus: you are co-parenting, not friends.
With regards to Skype: should you not work out a time to call, as a permanent fixture. ie. when the girls are with W you will call on Thursday, Saturday and Monday at 7pm. The W can set up the computer, get it already and that's that. If the W is on Skype as well, again be friendly, but the focus is on the girls and what the girls are doing.
Hope it helps a bit.

I will start at the end..Hotwheels is correct - you are putting WAY too much thought into this. You must be exhausted!

Yes, you are co-parenting and that is your focus. Set up the skype ahead of time, and if you can't, that is fine. When you do set it up, be direct, "I called to see if you can set the girls up on Skype".

When I am told not to call then I don’t, but then you tell me to talk to children on Skype. That demands giving her a call so she can help them and right there my male brain starts smoking. Don’t call her – do call her! I am a man, ladies – remember? When I have told you that I will follow your advice then I do so! Don’t call her means don’t call her like in never ever! Same applies on don’t go into her house and don’t give her any cake (family time).

I metioned skyping the kids so that may be why Sandi didn't mention it in what to say. Again, don't be so literal. Calling her to interact with your children and calling her to interact with her are two completely different things.

Skype is family-time since she is right beside them – it is a very small cake or a crumb I know

How is this family time? If she chooses to be right next to them it is because she wants you to see her. If you have a set schedule to skype it so you can see your daughters.

Is the point that I can contact her when it is about the children – also just a social call to the children like the Skype call?

Unless it is an emergency, don't contact her at all. If it is for skyping, this schedule should be set up ahead of time and then she will clearly know it is about you seeing your children and not inventing reasons to contact her.

Should I chit-chat as long as it is strictly about Ds or should I only talk about facts, appointments, homework and leave out a nice moment with D and what if she starts doing this – should I end the talk? Sandi told me business-like convos at one time and that means no chit-chat at all as I see it!

Do not chit-chat. Set up skype on a regular schedule and ignore the rest. Yes, listen to Sandi. "Business-like" Do you discuss your d's and what is going on with your clients?

I believe my confusion is centered on the exact do’s and don’ts and this is properly simply because my brain works squarely.

Do you know what I mean?

F, we want care about you and want to help you - you simply cannot overthink every little thing.

I am also confused about the sentences that I should use if she goes for the friend-issue again. I believe she will do this somewhere in the future. She won’t come directly at me – she will properly just invite me inside for coffee and when I turn her down she will ask why. This is the easy part since I can just state that I am meeting somebody or likewise. The hard part will be if she at some point want’s to discuss this! I will end the convo but still I need to say something to do it nicely.

This is not the "easy part" You have to establish a boundary, not make an excuse that leads her to believe you are in a hurry. She must know that you don't want to be friends, you just want to be friendly. Sandi and I have both given you examples of things to say. Where is your confusion coming in on this?

I don’t feel like being friends and I don’t feel like putting blame and guilt on her but you tell me to use words like “when you decided to leave” – isn’t this putting blame on her or is it just my lizardbrain once again?

You don't want to put blame on her? Are we clear on this? a day or two ago you wanted her to tell the D's it was her fault. F, there isn't any blame to assign. Yes, you 180'd and W didnt' respond, however, even according to you she tried to get you to understand before BD. So it isn't your W's fault. You both failed. You before BD, your W after. The words are simply to show that she made the decision to go and that is why you need to move on. If you suddenly aren't comfortable with blame, adjust the words accordingly.

Sandi, I don’t know if it was your writing, my reading or perhaps my English – but I thought you wanted me to assign blame (I haven’t done it!!). I did believe you wanted me to place the blame on her.
I am glad that I shouldn’t do this since I still feel no anger towards her. I believe she has the responsibility for BD but I still take my part of the responsibility for getting her there – that’s how I felt all the way and still does.

F, seriously? You have repeatedly spoken about W needing to accept responsibility with D's for making this decision. NOW you don't blame her and don't know where Sandi got the idea you should? She may be R for BD but you have just as much, if not more, R for before BD. And I say 'if not more' because you admitted she tried to get you to understand how she felt.

This sentence is simply excellent! I will have the hardest time doing sentences like this without totally understanding this. I understand all of your words but I don’t feel able to put them into action. I have tried to adjust towards your summary of how I should look at it all.

Again, since you have repeatedly pointed out that it is your W's fault, and the kids should know this, I have no clear idea on how you don't understand this. It doesn't even place the blame on fully on her.

F, it seems you keep asking the same ?s until you get an answer that you like, or wording that you like. (The Girl Scout issue with D^ is a perfect example, we all gave you great ways to handle it and reasons why D6 shouldn't miss out. You asked several times until Sandi agreed with you and then you never mentioned it again so I am assuming you have your justification not to agree with W on GS)