Last night I spent almost an hour typing out a long post, trying to clarify my part in the advice I have given. Somehow, I accidentally lost every bit of it. Today, I take a deep breath and do it all over again. Guess what? I lost it again. I just can't go into all of it for the third time. I feel I am repeating myself, as it is.
I did not discuss the Skype with you, but at the risk of answering for LTH, you are not the W. You are calling the girls, you just have to go through the W to tell her you want to skype with the kids. You are not using Skype to communicate with her, it is "for" the girls.
You don't chit-chat in a llong, private conversation "to" her. You may not be able to advoid or ignore her when she is there with the kids, but you direct your attention to the kids......not the W. Why is that so hard,to understand? I have already told you not to get extreme and to use good common sense in these matters. If you want contact with the kids via Skype, then you have to go through her, but you don't make it "about" her. It is all about the kids. If W tries to ask questions during that time, you give short answers (politely), but quickly turn it around by saying something to one of the kids.
Sure you want a list of do's and don'ts, but I did a list like that one time and the next thing I knew, it was being called Sandi's rules. There are no rules, just suggestions and some examples. The same applies in your stitch presently. Nobody can tell you word for word what you say to W if she ask this or that, if she does this or that. All we can do is tell you not to be cold, rude, mean, or punitive. Don't make a call to her so you can chit-chat. But something may require you to have to call. Do you tell yourself you can't just b/c Sandi said no calls? Use your good common sense to decide if it is important enough to make an exception. Is it about the kids or business? If not, then that just leaves personal. That seems like a guide to me, but maybe I am forgetting something.
I did tell you that the answers you give to some of her questions regarding friendship, etc., should be directed to her choice in leaving you. It is the results of her decisions. But you don't get to tell her those exact words every time she asks something. She is suppose to get that message as time goes on. And there may be no other way to tell her why you are doing what you're doing now...without saying those exact,words. But if you are blunt and cold, it comes across as sounding like blame assigning. Don't throw blame directly in her face by sounding like you have eaten bitter grapes. Just remember that whenever you must be plain spoken to her, use a soft voice and keep the sound of revenge out of your tone. Understand? When I saw your examples of how you could answer some of her questions, that is when it hit me that you thought I was instructing you in how to talk to her hatefully. That would be hurting yourself. Instead, you want to say things and do things for her to get this message that this is the results of your decision to break up the family.
One more thing, then I have to stop tonight. If she comes to your house and asks if she can go in, my advice is to say, "sure". The reason is b/c your house was where she,shared part of her life with you. When she steps in that house, she has memories of those times. Hopefully, they will trigger positive emotions in her heart. Sometimes, it works in favor of the H for her to see the house that no longer has her personal touches that it once did. Do you see the difference in letting her come in your house, but you not going in hers? Again, these are guidelines. Don't get crazy and think if one of the girls are asleep when you take them home that you couldn't carry her into the hose. It's not like you were "staying" to visit with W, b/c you would turn around and leave once you had the child laid down. Use common sense!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
