let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

W just called me at work to ask a work question, but it didn't really seem like something she needed to call me about. She said that she was trying to figure her day out and was wondering if I knew when a client would be available. I told her to call the client, and then i suggested that she cancel tomorrow. She said no, she could take care of business afterward if needed. I've given her every chance to cancel...

[KindaHappy1]

W just called me at work to ask a work question, but it didn't really seem like something she needed to call me about. She said that she was trying to figure her day out and was wondering if I knew when a client would be available. I told her to call the client, and then i suggested that she cancel tomorrow. She said no, she could take care of business afterward if needed. I've given her every chance to cancel...

She was calling to figure out her schedule for TOMORROW. I just read my post and realized that it looked like I was bringing up canceling MC out of the blue, but it was because she seemed conflicted as to when she can see this client tomorrow due to our session, so I suggested to cancel.

Sorry for any confusion!

[KindaHappy1]

My son's demo got canceled, so I called and rescheduled my IC appointment and got my time back, I went and waited and waited, then asked what was taking so long, nobody told my therapist that I had got my original slot back, so that was 1/2 of the session.

This was my first time meeting with her, and I think it went awful. She made me feel like an idiot for wanting to fight for my marriage, and never once asked about how I was feeling.

never going back again...

[AnotherStander]

In your earlier posts it sounds like you have some good GAL efforts going. But most of your posts are very W-focused. That's understandable considering how early you are in your sitch, but do what you can to refocus on yourself, your kids and your GAL efforts. You've got to become independent again. For now your W is checked out. It's going to be long months or even years before she reconsiders. MWD said in DR to allow one month of "recovery" for every year you were married, so for your 20-year marriage she's saying it could be 20 months before your W clears the fog.

It's OK to keep going to MC, I was just trying to make the point that it's not going to fix your M so don't have any expectations that it will. My W and I went for half a dozen sessions early in our sitch, the MC was perplexed because it sounded like things were going really well between us but W just kept saying "I don't want to try at the marriage". That's a WAS for you, they are so checked out that there's nothing that will change their mind except maybe lots and lots of time.

[KindaHappy1]

W and I have our first session with a new MC today. I am prepared for the worst and I will hope for the best. The pieces I have put together seem to indicate she will be asking for the big D today, but maybe she is open to trying, or maybe she is just going out of guilt and to say that we tried but it didn't work.

The pieces are:
1-she doesn't want to make couples or family dates like she asked for when separation was being discussed.

2-she told me that she had a lawyer appointment, but canceled a few weeks ago.

3-she said that her IC told her that we shouldn't be seeing each other very much right now. This is a IC/MC so if he isn't pushing for the marriage, it's probably because she has told him that she want's a divorce

My plan is to go in with the best attitude I can have, act "as if", not say anything attacking, stick to our feelings, not bring up any speculations or assumptions regarding OM/EA/PA. I won't be in "fixing mode" like I have been. I won't beg or plead. I won't bring up things that she feels are me trying to guilt her. I won't try to show her she owes me anything. I will let the MC run the show and I will answer everything, as long as it does not conflict with the above game plan.

wish me luck!

[KindaHappy1]

In your earlier posts it sounds like you have some good GAL efforts going. But most of your posts are very W-focused.

Thanks again AS, you are so right. I am so attached to this woman, I would call it an addiction, and it isn't healthy! My IC sucked, and I know I need to find one who can help me with this aspect of my life.

I have been is fix-it mode since BD, and I tried "fixing" things that I should have left alone, like her issues. I see now that the fix is giving her time and space and giving me the ability to find out what I want, what I like and don't like. Live life for me and my boys.

As of this point, I have been out of the house a month, and our money still goes to one account. I have been hesitant to change this because I feared it would push her away. One of our issues has been money and all the things she wanted to spend it on while I had to be the one to say no. I figure I will start my own account and give her whatever is considered normal child support for my boys, and I'll pay for my boys phone too. If we are staying separated, I will give her money for health insurance too, but if we move to divorce, I will need to get insurance on my own, and will keep that money.

[FlyOnTheWall]

KH1,

I took a week off from the boards, after starting a new user ID. So i'm just looking at your sitch. I must admit it sounds so eerily familiar to mine, and so many others this early in the game.

I think you've got some advice that your wife has checked out, but im not really sure you understand what that means. I know its hard to hear, trust me, but your wife DOES NOT care about the marriage right now, any mention of it, is just pushing her further away and making and chance of R at a later date harder.

If your goal is to really make your marriage work, then guess what, you have to detach from it completely in your mind right now. ANY talk of MC is probably a bad idea, the ONLY thing that will help the sitch is probably giving your wife time and space, and lots of it.

WAS tend to rewrite marital history the first few months, they don't care if it hurts you or not, they're done thinking about you, its about justifying their mindset to get out. The more you talk about it the more justified they become that their making the right decision. As far at the OM is concerned, it prob is PA, or at least you need to treat it that way. So the more you push the M, the more you push her right into his arms. For the time being, your the epitome of everything she's trying to get away from, and he's the freedom/lack of pressure/good time she's craving. She's running for the door each time, and you keep opening it up so she gets out faster. It hurts I know. We all thought our spouses were incapable of doing such things, but look at where we are now.

Keeping yourself busy, mentally and physically is hard to do, your emotions get the better of you in the early stages. Gal'n seems to help, but in reality only time is the cure. I know it feels impossible right now, but you need just take care of you right now. Detach Detach Detach. You cant fix your marriage right now, only do more damage.

You seem to be trying to control the situation for your benefit, to make yourself feel like your putting in an effort finally, that YOUR saving the marriage, that your doing all the work, and that she's not doing a thing. And your frustrated at that. Your right she's not, and you are, but its your turn to do the heavy lifting. It took years to get you both into this situation, it cant be fixed in months, or maybe even a year or two. So get that into your mind now if you really want to have a CHANCE as saving it. PATIENCE, positivity, being a great father, keeping yourself busy (try a cooking class btw, or pick a class at the local community college), don't mind read (its never what you think you think).

Don't be so darn hard on yourself, no matter what she is saying your only responsible for %50 of the problems, your guilt is making you feel like its all your fault. Stop asking her what/how her IC is doing or saying. Cause until you can address your own faults/issues, she's gonna say what she wants to say, and do what she wants to do. She needs to SEE changes, over and over and over again, not be told what your doing, and think you need to be rewarded for your efforts.

I think some reading is good, but what tends to happen is you start to over-analyze everything, then tend to think you've got the "answers" finally, and now it time to fix things. Unfortunetly it doesn't work that way. You want answers, want to ask questions, get to the bottom of it now. If your reading to better yourself, then great. It tends this early on thou that we do it to fix everything instead, which is just more pressure.
Next time you want to pick up a book and read (unless its DR), go for a run instead, drop and do 100 pushups/sit ups. Burn your frustration off instead. Not make yourself feel guilty for not doing enough before. Or get angry or frustrated that your spouse ISNT willing to put in the work now.

As much as a WAS follows a predictable script, so do LBS. Its always lack of patience, panic, guilt, denial, and anger our spouses aren't willing right now. The hardest thing is to not take everything personal, almost like she's doing it on PURPOSE to make you hurt. This feels raw to us, blindsided, so fresh in our minds for these early months. For them, the issues they've been dealing with for months or years, they're already past the worst of it, maybe they didn't exactly tell us what was going on, maybe they did and we choose to ignore it, or hope it just went away. But, the signs were there, we missed them somehow/way.

Its important right now to just LISTEN, slow it all down in your mind. Interactions should never have me/us/we involved. When you need to respond to something always have in your mind before you answer "Is what im about to say going to make things worse". If even for 1/10 of a second that might be a yes, slow down and come up with an answer that is positive. Its almost impossible to really understand how much patience you need to have, how important it is to keep yourself busy, to find new outlets/friends, but a funny thing happens over time if your working on it the right way. You build some self confidence, the anxiety slowly fades, you don't put the same pressures on yourself, or on her. Its detachment. Give it time. Re-read your first posts from time to time, you'll start to understand, you'll get it, doesn't mean your not going to make more mistakes along the way, but give yourself credit when you do make progress. 2 steps forward and one back is still progress. Get into IC for yourself for now, cause when it comes down to it, that's all you can fix/work on anyways.

[KindaHappy1]

So, I had my MC with W, and the MC said he cannot help us at this time due to me wanting the R and her not wanting it. She talked about how much better her life is without me, but said that she hasn't gone to the lawyer because she feels guilty because I am such a good person and she considers me a great friend.

I asked her if she considers me such a good friend, would she consider going out as friends, she said she would and asked me to diner on Sunday. Once again, she said thata she doesn't think I can really be a changed man. I asked her if after an extended time, 20 months, if I was still showing her that I am changed, could she see believing it then, she said she probably would.

I told her that I knew that she needs time and that I want to give that to her.

Now, I know it is time to GAL. Most of the things I have come up with really wouldn't put me in contact with many more people, which is one of my issues. My W has really been my only friend for the majority of the past 20 years. I'm thinking I have to join some sort of a club or something.

I need to become a more interesting and outgoing man, for my own sake, so I can increase my likeability factor and become more attractive. The old friend of mine who taked about fixing up the motor scooter is very outgoing, knows tons of people and has a huge social life. I need to reach out to him and try to be more like him. I know that he can help me GAL.

OH! after the MC, I told my W that if we are staying separated, I need to open up a new bank account and have my checks come to me. I told her that I would give he a third of my checks for the boys, and she seemed to totally agree to it. I had really been struggling with how to bring that up and how it would go, so, I am pleased.

[KindaHappy1]

So, I found a way to detach... by finally coming to my senses and realizing what a cold-hearted, manipulative, lying witch she is.

one of my boys asked if we could bring his cousin back with us when I drove them home on Saturday. I agreed, even though I've been told by W that her side of the family doesn't like me because I have treated them so poorly over the years. I go to pick the kid up and his dad, W sister's husband is out side to. I get out and shoot the bull with him. I had already connected with him on facebook, thanking him for being a good uncle to my boys and apologizing for not being there for him in the past.

Anyway, he asks what is going on with me and W. I asked what he knows, and he proceeds to tell me how she told him two weeks ago that we are getting divorced AND that I am seeing an OW and my mom has gone to lunch with this OW and approves of me throwing the M away! She also told him that the night I caught her at OM condo that she slept in her car in the parking lot. So she seems to be trying to set me up as the bad guy, and trying to make others think that this guy is just a friend.

I asked BIL not to tell her that we talked, I explained that I want to see what her next move was, he said fine, but i know he has a big mouth. His wife, my W's sister told me that she was PISSED at how my W treated me at the wedding 2 weeks ago. I asked what she meant and she said she was watching us, and every time I tried to dance with W, she moved away. I really didn't notice, because I wasn't trying to be clingy and I was trying to dance with some of her relative too. Well, she tells me how much it upset her and that she is still upset.

I realized that she probably loves this OM, and that she may really be done with me and has just been feeling too guilty and doesn't want anyone to find out about the PA, so she is just living a lie around the rest if us. I got upset, and sat their after I brought my boys home. I meditated on it, and I decided that for me to have control, I couldn't confront her, I had to act "as if" and pretend like everything was fine. I think there was some instant detaching that went on there.

Looking at our bank statement, I could see that she want to a bar Friday night and her tab was more than one persons. I'm sure she was out with OM. while my kids were at home without me... what a selfish witch!

I decided that I would still go to dinner and not believe he words or actions, and that I would say things to try to kick up that guilt some more, like thanking her for still being my friend and talking about what a great friend she is, and what a great mom she is. I talked so much about what great parent we are and how we've done a great job with our boys.

I can only imagine what was said when she dropped of the nephew because she acted just fine at the restaurant. I was acting "As If" and kept up the PMA the whole time. I also explained that I would be picking up my dog some nights and then bring her back home in the AM, and I said that I planned on stopping home after work to check on the boys school work.

Now I finally feel empowered. I have so much less hurt right now and I want to go have fun. And I have a new mantra:

"Life isn't about surviving the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain"

and it's my turn to dance!

[KindaHappy1]

So I found out from her that she hasn't filed for D yet, but she is planning on it. Not feeling quite as good as I did yesterday.